Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Close my eyes, jump and fly...

I'm having a bit of a day.  There are things going on with a co-worker that bring up my own bad memories and make me think of less than stellar moments.  I had a tough therapy session, which I logically know is a good thing, but has left me feeling wiped.  And the sun has disappeared behind the clouds and I just wish I could curl up and sleep away the rest of this day.  I'm trying not to steal my own joy, but sometimes I get in my own way so very easily.

It is wishcasting Wednesday though, and that always makes me feel better, contemplate a little bit, and share with other lovely wishers & dreamers.

Today Jamie asks:

courtesy of we heart it

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that frightens us.  We ask ourselves, 'who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be?  You are a child of God.  Your playing small doesn't serve the world.  There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.  We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.  It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.  And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.  As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Marianne Williamson

I wish to rise above my own limitations, the voice that tells me not to try, to not dream big because it will end in failure and I'm not good enough or deserving enough or whatever-enough that my head thinks up.  I am truly my own worst enemy.  I spent much of my hour of therapy today talking about how I am horrible to myself and I need to stop getting in my own way so much.  I don't let myself enjoy even small victories without a voice in my head telling me, "Yeah, but you didn't do that and this is stupid and..."

I need to stop this.  Even if I can't bring myself to challenge my inner demons at the moment, I can shut them up and stop listening to them.  I can rise above the power they hold on me and let myself jump free.  It will definitely be scary, but if I've learned nothing else from my life it's that I'm a survivor.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

it's a sleepy wishcasting day...

Today was a long, busy day.  It seems that managers in my office sit on work for weeks at a time and then expect it to get done ohmigodrighthtissecondbecauseit'sDUE.  And hey, I'm a huge procrastinator.  If I could make a living at procrastinating, I'd probably become productive just to procrastinate.  However, I don't put off work, especially if other people will need to be involved.  Oh well, what can I do?

Breathe in, breathe out.

I do love Wednesdays though because it's wishcasting time and today Jamie asks:

courtesy of we heart it

"Our strength grows out of our weaknesses." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

I wish to be whole.  Healthy, not wasting my life in fear, but grabbing hold of it and flying, and happy.  My weight and health are huge issues for me. I'm not naive enough to think that all my problems will disappear if I wake up healthy and fit, but it would go along way to helping me.  I want to embrace small successes so that one day I can see how far I've come.

I want to grow and stretch and learn and cry and laugh.  I want to try everything instead of putting it on a bucket list that I never touch.  I want to become the me I'm meant to be.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

the universe and self-esteem and a wish or two or three...

Apparently the universe doesn't want to hear me whine.  I had this whole little spiel typed out about my own meanness toward myself and how I don't feel like I'm moving forward in fixing myself and how frustrating it is.  Bah.  It continues to be the great issue of my life.  I have no self esteem and while it began with my mother, I learned to go with it and I'm just so hard on myself.  It's hard to have self esteem when you constantly hate yourself for ridiculous and untrue reasons.  It's the getting it through my head that I'm not this monster I've conjured that is the trouble.  Sometimes it's hard to see how far I've come with therapy over the past three years, but the I am a lot better, just impatient and too hard on myself.

But it's March and the weather here is gorgeous and I'm finally free of the plague and sinus woes and allergic reactions that caused me to break out in hives.  I'm feeling pretty good.  I woke up today feeling like I could conquer the world.  I wish I could bottle that feeling so I'd have it for the not-so-great-days.

Also on the bright side, it's wishcasting wednesday, and today Jamie asks:

courtesy of we heart it

"Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit." - EE Cummings

I have to admit, on first glance at this question, I didn't really have an immediate answer that popped out of me.  Usually, I just know the answer, but today, I found myself going back and forth and really thinking about this.  What is my spirit wishing for?

And I think it falls in line with my therapy today and all the emotions bogging me down and how I treat myself.  My spirit is wishing for healing and compassion and some acknowledgement that the two are intertwined.  I need to be patient and understanding with myself, the same way I would be with someone else.

So it's actually kind of simple and yet oh-so-hard.

What's your wish?

As you wish for yourself, so I truly wish for you also!