catching up in 2013

It's been awhile since I made an update.  Life has been going in some interesting directions lately and I've been trying to keep up and take stock of everything as it happened.  I know the universe is trying to help me on my path to betterment and being who I'm meant to be, but some days it's so hard.

In the fall, I started teaching myself how to cook.  I've always enjoyed baking, mostly because it was something I could choose to do randomly...whereas, I've always felt like cooking is just this requirement, another thing to do after a long day at work when all I really want to do is curl up with a book and read.  It's going much better than I expected.  It turns out I'm a pretty good cook.  I've been using the crock pot a lot because it just makes cooking on workdays easier.  And it's definitely nice on the wallet (and the hips) to save some more money by not constantly picking up crap.

I also started writing more again.  It's not a lot, but I'm trying to focus on the positive part - I'm writing again. I've also picked Morning Pages back up - I find I'm much less crazed during the day when I've completed my pages - even though half the time I end up writing, "Me so sleepy" and "I can't think of anything to write."

There is more going on in life, but I'm not really ready to talk about it quite yet as I'm still trying to process and figure it out.

I do want to get back to blogging and especially participating in Wishcasting Wednesdays and Creative Every Day.

to be delighted...

It seems that as soon as I feel like "hey, things are ok," I am reminded how sad my state of affairs currently is.  I just had to spend money on a new washer and dryer, only to find out that people who had my house before made some sort of makeshift draining system that confounded my plumber (it's never good to hear, "I'm not sure how your basement hasn't flooded by now") and cost nine hundred dollars to fix.  Seriously, universe, what are you trying to tell me?  What do I need to learn so I can move on from the woe-is-me phase of things?

In good news, I managed to get my room cleaned and decluttered.  Next is the stockpile from couponing.  My sister and I have enough toothpaste to last a few years at this point (and I didn't pay for any of it - viva la coupons!), but it was just all over the place.  I finally had to put my foot down as our house was starting to look like an episode of Hoarders.

Slowly trying to get rid of my mother's stuff.  I have finally let go of any feelings of sentimentality and guilt that I've had about the possibility of selling/donating/trashing her things.  Both her and my father were pack rats and I'm drowning in stuff.  Argh.

Also good - I have been off all soda for 47 days today.  It has not been easy and some days I really want a Coke, but I drink my water and if I need something sweet, I have a glass of Newman's Own Lemonade.  I now want to turn my success with soda into success with snacking.

Even better than good?   Today is wishcasting Wednesday.  I've been neglecting the lovely circle of wishcasters and I resolve to correct that immediately.

Today Jamie asks:

What do you wish to delight in?

courtesy of we heart it

"Quit hanging on to the handrails....Let Go.  Surrender.  Go for the ride of your life.  

Do it every day." - Melodie Beattie

Building on what I wrote above, I wish to delight in some sense of stability and organization in my life.  I feel like things are in chaos - emotionally and physically - and I keep having these dreams of just packing up my car with what I need and moving on.  No strings attached.  Nothing to hold me back.  While I'm not quite ready to just abandon my house and job and such, I do think my subconscious wants me to free myself a bit.  

I wish to breathe easily, without fear and what if thoughts bogging me down.  I wish to delight in all the small triumphs I make on my way and to remember them when things are tough and I need proof that I am capable.  I wish to feel like I'm flying or riding in a ferris wheel like the one in the picture, looking out into the distance, wind brushing against my cheeks and the sun giving way to night.  Free and happy.

What do you wish for?

ringing in 2012...

Happy New Year.  I've had all these posts in my head.  I would say, "I want to write about that" and then I would get distracted.  Kinda like the dogs in Up!  "I really want to talk about...BALL!..."  or "I've discovered that I'm rather...SQUIRREL!..."  I have problems.

I'm excited for 2012.  I feel optimistic and hopeful.  I feel like I've come along way in the past few years.  I'm still on the journey, still up to my eyes in working on my own betterment, but I'm feeling good for the most part.

Tomorrow I will do a post on resolutions.  Though I hate that word.  I associate the word with failure and woe.  I'd much rather just focus on goals.

Again, happy new year, everyone!  Here's to a healthy, happy and fun year!

to dreams and choosing...

I'm pretty sure that the universe is currently trying to teach me a lesson of some sort, maybe test how far it can push me before I break.  Or it's just my time to feel completely dumped on - root canal with crown getting done today, roof leaking in the sun room from the torrential rain storms, car had to go into mechanic, and we lost our verizon triple play (phone, internet, cable) for three days.  when it rains, it pours, my friends.  And I'm trying to balance feeling genuinely frustrated with the guilt of my first world problems.  My head is a chaotic place at the moment.

But it is Wishcasting Wednesday, a chance to put all that aside and wish and hope and share with others.

Today Jamie asks:

What do you wish to choose?

courtesy of we heart it

My immediate answer is that I wish to choose myself.  That seems too simple and that probably means it's actually extremely complicated.  I think I wish to choose my creativity over the things I put in my own way.  I'm quite skilled at procrastinating to an unhealthy level.  I always find different things to keep me from writing or doodling or knitting.  I'll play solitaire for forty minutes for no real reason except it's a way to avoid the work.  I'm scared and I hear the voices of people telling me that being creative and dreaming are wastes of my time and to "grow up" and I acquiesce.  I waste time and only make myself unhappy.

It's funny this question arises on the same day I receive the following Daily Truth from the Brave Girls Club - "...PLEASE, wonderful friend, PLEASE do not let yourself get tricked into the idea that if your dreams are coming true, or that your life is good, or that you have found peace....that it means that you took that opportunity away from someone else.  AND PLEASE do not let yourself EVER believe that because someone else is living the kind of life that you want to live, that 'those kinds of lives' are all taken up....it just is not so! There is enough for you, too..."

There is enough for me too.  I just need to believe it.

I wish to choose myself and what I truly want over the voices in my head that want what's "right" or "grown-up."  I wish to get out of my own way.

Day 10 & 11: Reverb 10 (Wisdom & Things)

Yesterday was a lovely day and I didn't really spend any time online.  Part of that is because it's been freezing and it was nice to sit in front of the fireplace with a book or curl up under the blankets and watch a movie.  Part of it was just wanting to enjoy my day off without worrying about doing anything.  Just chill.

So yeah, maybe I should just own that I'm a every other day Reverb 10 girl, but I'm trying not to put any negativity/failure vibes out into the universe if I can avoid it.

December 10 – Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out? (Author: Susannah Conway)

The wisest decision I made was continue with therapy.  My original therapist ended up having to leave her practice due to a family emergency and a part of me thought that I was off the hook (because, being me, I never would've stopped therapy without an excuse out of my irrational fears of others judging me). I had a moment where I knew it was probably wrong to give up, but the idea of stopping was alluring.  I wouldn't have to keep drudging stuff up (stupid feelings) and could just fall back into oblivion under the guise that it wasn't meant to be.  But while I do believe in fate, that would have been a total cop out on my part.  I was scared to start over with someone new - what if we didn't mesh?  what if s/he judged me?  what if, what if, what if? - but I did it.  I don't love therapy.  It's hard and draining, but I love my therapist and I think I have an even better rapport with her than I did my original psychologist.  And I've made huge strides this year.  Help is not a bad thing, talking about hurt feelings (even if they are irrational) is not a bad thing, and I'm finally getting that.

December 11 – 11 Things. What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life? (Author: Sam Davidson)

1.  Drama
2.  Judgement
3.  Negativity
4.  Self-sabotage
5.  lack of faith
6.  anger
7.  suffering from what if syndrome
8.  bad nutrition
9.  procrastination
10.  too much worry
11.  not feeling good enough

Pretty much one through ten fit into the final answer - not feeling good enough.  I've found ways, throughout the years, to make myself feel horrible.  I keep people in my life who create unncessary drama, I don't seek out great opportunities because I'm not sure I deserve it, I hold onto anger and hurt and everything else, stuffing it down until I can't anymore.  All of this is because I just don't think I deserve better.

How will I eliminate it?  Being conscious in each moment.  Journaling, especially on the rough days.  Continuing with therapy and delving into all my issues and letting go.  I need to stop protecting my mother and father, who are both dead and gone, out of fear of how others will think of them, of me, and allow myself to feel anger and sadness and whatever else I need to experience.  It won't be easy, but it's all about me acknowledging feelings in the moment and noticing when I fall back into the never-good-enough mindset.

But I do and in 2011 I want it to be year about me, where I am able to see myself with a nicer pair of lenses and a time to cull out all the things that hold me back.  If I can eliminate these things, there will be nothing in my way.  Or I won't be in my way, at the very least, and there will be so much weight lifted off my shoulders. 

Day 1: Reverb 10 (One Word)

The first prompt:  Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

 

illustration by Hugh MacLeod

To sum up 2010: learning

For 2011, I would love the word to be growth.  I want all of this learning about myself and life and where I fit in said life that I've been doing throughout this year - in good and bad moments - to lead me further on my journey.  I'm striving toward happiness and understanding and I need to allow myself to grow and go wherever that takes me.

If you're interested, Reverb 10 is an annual event and online initiative to reflect on your year and manifest what’s next. The end of the year is an opportunity to reflect on what's happened, and to send out reverberations for the year ahead.  Sign up here.

stepping into my own and trying to leave anxiety behind

Today has not been my best. I woke up with a bad headache, but took some meds, slept a little more, and used my neti-pot before heading to work. Around ten am, I started to feel queasy and nauseous, so around noon, I just asked the manager in charge if I could use some sick time. I felt like ick.

However, I still had therapy at noon and you can't cancel without paying a fee, so I went and promptly had a panic attack while there. I guess it's one of the better places to have such an attack, if such a thing exists. So, after my session, my therapist told me it was definitely a good idea to go home, rest and such. That's what I've been doing. Meditation helped a bit. So did a Xanax. Yes, one day I would like to be completely off medications, but not quite there yet.

Anyway, it's Wishcasting Wednesday! And that's always a chance to think positively and put that out into the universe for others. I enjoy it and I feel like it might be helpful to me today.

What do you wish to step into?

 courtesy of http://gypsyholic.tumbrl.com/

Over the past year or so I've been slowly discovering my own voice, coming into my own, and realizing things I need/want to do to make my life happier.  Now it's time to accept that knowledge, gather up the confidence in myself to go, and step out into the world I want to create.  I constantly battle with my own right to be happy on my own terms versus the way I was raised.  I'm not regimental and the idea of "growing up" the way my mother wanted isn't who I am.  I'm creative and it's okay to embrace that and find a way to make my life about those things.  Just believe, Mare.  It will be okay and you can do it.

some life lessons are so hard...

I've been debating whether to post this or not.  I feel so immensely guilty thinking about it, let alone putting it out there in the world.  And I don't know if this is proof that therapy is working (they are very big on writing things down, especially when learning you are a writer), but I've decided that I want to get this out.  I'm hardly a popular blogger in the the big, mad world of the internet, but maybe someone will relate and come to realize what I'm still trying to work out.

My mother's issues were not about me, not really, and I don't need to let her unhappiness ruin the remainder of my life.

My mother passed away last year in January of 2009 and it was so bizarre to me when people would share stories.  They described this happy, full-of-love woman that I only caught glimpses of in my lifetime.  They talked about how caring and funny she was, how proud she was of me. 

It truly baffled me because that was not the woman I knew.  Most of what I knew of her was angry, mean, and a woman who wouldn't take care of herself.  She drank and got vicious when she did.  She would fight with my sister and I would be thrown into the middle trying to keep the peace, but I don't know why I bothered...because she always found fault with me.  Over a year after she has died and I still hear things like "you're fat and ugly" and "you have a worthless life" in my head.

I've grown up thinking of myself this way.  I can't take a compliment.  I push people away.  If I don't let someone in, they can't leave me behind.  My dad left me with this woman that he chose and no one else seemed to notice or care what she was like.  And as an adult, I can see that she faced a hard situation.  Suddenly widowed and left with two little kids to raise herself and I'm pretty sure, from things she said (often when drunk), that she was never particulary happy.  And I wish I knew why.  I wish I could've been the daughter she wanted and needed, the one who could get her to take care of herself, the one who made her proud because she was "normal" by her standards, one who she didn't constantly find flaws with no matter what.

The thing is, I know I need to forgive her, but as my therapist would say, I need to go through all this stuff I've repressed (because I couldn't let people think she wasn't a good mommy, and she was a good mommy some ways) and internalized before I can reach that point.  It's so hard to do.  And I feel incredibly guilty that I can't just forgive those things and move on like a grown up, but I'm not there.  I still love her, but I hate her just as much.

It's like I'm stuck on this ferris wheel between the bottom and top.  I don't want to go back down, but I can't quite see the top and the beauty out there in the view.

That's the main reason for this post.  Because over the last few months I've been feeling lost.  I've lost seventy-five pounds since last May and I can't let myself celebrate it.  Because of that voice in my head that says "You're fat and ugly."  Because when my life spiraled out of control at a young age and my mother was putting me on diets all the time, I realized I could control food.  She couldn't make me eat right.  And I would use my allowance or babysitting money to buy junk.

And now, after so many years of that, it's so hard to change that mindset of control.  It's not on my mother anymore, it's on me.  I control whether I let the fear of the unknown and possible failure continue to deter me, or whether I pick myself back up and remind myself that I can do it.  I lost seventy-five pounds.  I'm definitely capable.  And the demon voice in my head, whispering that I'm too much of a dreamer, is wrong.  It's time to squish the demon voice into the ground.  To forgive myself and my mother and everyone else I perceived to have wronged me.  I need to learn that letting someone in doesn't necessarily mean they will abandon you or reject you for being yourself.

To those out there like me:  other people's issues are just that...other people's issues.  It's easier to say than to truly believe, but just keep saying it.  Know you're not alone because every morning I'm starting a new day with endless possiblities.

And maybe one day I'll finally be able to say honestly that I've accepted the good and bad of my mother, forgiven her for the bad, and have moved on.

ready to leave 2009 eating dust behind me...

“Year’s end is neither an end nor a beginning but a going on, with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us.” ― Hal Borland

I wish I could say that I woke up this morning feeling profound and thinking about all the good and bad of 2009. Maybe this would've been the case if it weren't for the icky snow on the ground and the horrible commute to work, which just left me with a frustrated feeling that I'm still trying to let go of. Basically, it made hate 2009 even more. Sure, it wasn't my favorite year, starting off at the end of January with the out-of-nowhere death of my mother, but there were good moments too. And it's like all of that got lost in the grief of my mother's death and my own issues. After all, how can a year be okay in some ways when you lost your mother? How can you be happy about things? It's something I'm still trying to work out in my head.

Obviously, I had my good share of ups and downs, but with the new year, i want to focus on the positive. I want 2010 to be an amazing year, which I know doesn't mean perfect as whose life works like that, and I think the best way to bring that about is to go in thinking about what I have accomplished to move me forward.

Things I accomplished in 2009:

1) Lost 40 pounds. It's been a hard road at times, and I still struggle, but I've managed to incorporate working out into my life and cut out all caffeine and soda from my diet. Last month, after months of no soda at all, I decided that a glass of soda on Thanksgiving wouldn't kill me. i was worried it might be a slippery slope back into my horrible soda addiction, but it turns out, I don't know what I really saw in soda to begin with. I guess I had given myself enough time to realize it wasn't actually good.

2) Seeking out therapy. I've always had my issues, but I was raised in an Irish Catholic family where you don't talk about feelings and repressing things is so great. And despite my doctor always suggesting I see someone, I would put it off. After my mother died, I really decided I needed to talk to someone. Because I was having so many emotions bubble to the surface. I loved my mother but ours wasn't always the best relationship. We were close in some ways and so very far apart in many others. Mostly, we just didn't get each other. And when my dad died when i was eleven, so began our very tumultuous relationship.

I'm still not that great with therapy. I even tell my therapist that because it's so engrained in me not to talk about feelings and trying to unearth reality from my own perceptions...and to do all this without feeling like I'm putting it all on my dead mother when she can't defend herself. It's a learning process. But at least I've started the journey.

3) Meditation. I began practicing meditation in 2009. I usually meditate for about twenty minutes at least four times a week. it took me awhile to realize it was okay not to get it right away. I'm one of those people who feels like if I can't be perfect at something immediately it might not be worth my time, so it was a challenge. But I stuck with it. And it's just a nice little break in my day that's all for me to unwind.

4) Standing up for myself. I'm not 100% there on this, but I think I've always confused being a good family member/friend with being a doormat. And I think all of the above helped me realize that sometimes it's okay to put myself first. sometimes it's not a sign of bad friendship on my part when I need to walk away from someone who is constantly negative and takes me for granted. sometimes it's okay to stand by my own choices and not be talked into what other people want for me.

Anyway, as I look at this, I don't think 2009 was entirely bad. I've learned a lot of lessons about life. And I am one of those people that believes things happen for reasons that we might not understand...I didn't want to lose my mother, but I think it did force me to grow up in some ways that I hadn't and to take stock of how fleeting life can be. I made the decision to be present in my life and 2009 gave me that.

Doesn't let it off the hook for everything though.