Wednesday, March 20, 2013

I'm not sure where the past few months have gone, but they seem to have flown by.  Work has been keeping me busy as I transition into my new managerial role.  I'm quite proud of myself for how well I've handled things and all that I've learned in a short time.  Sure, I already know the organization and that helps, but I've worked hard to get myself on track and it seems to be paying off.

I'm currently interviewing for admin positions and I keep considering creating a blog post of dos and don'ts of resumes and interviewing.  I thought many of these things - spell check your resume, show up on time for interviews - were a given, but apparently not.  While I wait to see if my next interview shows up, I figured I would take a few moments to participate in Wischcasting Wednesday.

I definitely miss the wishing and the sense of community I get from it.  I need to make the time for it and myself.

This week Jamie asks:

courtesy of we heart it

"With the coming of spring, I am calm again." - Gustav Mahler

I wish to find time for myself again this Spring.  I wish to enjoy my creativity and dream big and write and explore the characters trapped in my brain.  I wish to run around outside and forget my troubles.    I wish to clean my house of the clutter that's bogging down my brain and person.  I wish to be...

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

those words that never were true...

Work has been extremely busy.  I recently got a promotion and the new position is challenging me and I'm learning new things, but it's crazy right now in the transition.  I've been bringing work home so that I can continue to make myself familiar with things I've never done before.

I wanted to take a minute to take part in Wishcasting Wednesday before the day was over.  I will try to respond to my other wishcasters tomorrow, but know this - as you wish for yourself, so I truly wish for you also.

This week Jamie asks:

courtesy of we heart it

“We must never stop dreaming. Dreams provide nourishment for the soul, just as a meal does for the body." - Paulo Coehlo, The Pilgrimage

I wish to nourish myself with words.  Through my own writing, through the words of others, through reading and ingesting knowledge.  I wish to repeat only positive words to myself to quiet those negative voices that I've grown up allowing to rule my brain.  I wish to see words as my friends, my cheerleaders, rather than my nemesis.

What do you wish for you?

Wednesday, January 16, 2013


It's been so long since I took part in Wishcasting Wednesday.  Things have been busy and whenever I would think about it, I would say, "Okay, in a little bit when I have some time" and then it would be Thursday morning and I would remember I never participated in the weekly wishcast.  I miss it and I've decided to do my best to make a little time for myself to reflect and wish and share with the circle.  It makes my Wednesdays that much better and will aid me with my personal goal of creative growth.

This week Jamie asks:

courtesy of we heart it

Life is inherently risky. There is only one big risk you should avoid at all costs, and that is the risk of doing nothing. – Denis Waitley

There are a lot of things I want to try.  I've slowly been learning the past few years that while fear is not a bad thing, it shouldn't control me, especially when I'm mostly concerned with the what if it doesn't work?  It won't always work...but how will I know without taking a chance?    

This year:  I wish to try to write a young adult novel.  I wish to try to take this small little idea for a blog I thought up and have it come to fruition.  I wish to try to excavate a little bit more of my creative soul that I've kept hidden away for so long.  I wish to try laughing more and not being so hard on myself.  I wish to try whatever I think of as a possibility without allowing the small voice in the back of my mind from stopping me before I even start.

Monday, January 14, 2013

catching up in 2013

It's been awhile since I made an update.  Life has been going in some interesting directions lately and I've been trying to keep up and take stock of everything as it happened.  I know the universe is trying to help me on my path to betterment and being who I'm meant to be, but some days it's so hard.

In the fall, I started teaching myself how to cook.  I've always enjoyed baking, mostly because it was something I could choose to do randomly...whereas, I've always felt like cooking is just this requirement, another thing to do after a long day at work when all I really want to do is curl up with a book and read.  It's going much better than I expected.  It turns out I'm a pretty good cook.  I've been using the crock pot a lot because it just makes cooking on workdays easier.  And it's definitely nice on the wallet (and the hips) to save some more money by not constantly picking up crap.

I also started writing more again.  It's not a lot, but I'm trying to focus on the positive part - I'm writing again. I've also picked Morning Pages back up - I find I'm much less crazed during the day when I've completed my pages - even though half the time I end up writing, "Me so sleepy" and "I can't think of anything to write."

There is more going on in life, but I'm not really ready to talk about it quite yet as I'm still trying to process and figure it out.

I do want to get back to blogging and especially participating in Wishcasting Wednesdays and Creative Every Day.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

it's almost fall...

I have been woefully neglectful of my blog recently.  There's been vacation, busy time at work before our annual event, and me trying to get my house organized.  My kitchen is actually looking good and I'm slowly getting my stockpile of beauty- related products organized in the linen closets.  The problem with couponing is that if you don't stay on top of your purchases, you suddenly have bags of shampoo and body wash cluttering your floor.

It's a work in progress, but it's almost done.   And then I will attempt to conquer the sun room.

Maybe by the end of the year, my house will be decluttered and organized and I'll be able to begin 2013 without feeling bogged down with stuff.


Most of my writing has been getting done in notebooks recently as I tend to have computer blahs after a long day at work.  I'm feeling the creative itch though - antsy and overflowing with ideas and just a need to do something.  Hopefully, that will overpower my lack of interest in my computer.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

a bucket list of learning...

Happy Wishcasting Wednesday.  If you're not sure what that is, consider checking it out - You can be a maker of magic and a tender of wishes. It’s easy. Answer the wish prompt above on your blog and then add a direct link to your post in the box below. Support wishes by visiting other participants, leaving a comment saying “As (insert name) wishes for her/himself, so I wish for her/him also.” It’s that simple. There is great power in wishing together.

This week Jamie asks us:

courtesy of we heart it

“The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then — to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn.” - T.H. White "The Once and Future King"

I wish to learn to draw and paint and embrace my creative side without my inner critic running amuck.  I wish to learn new languages and how to cook and to continue to learn to be a better writer.  I wish to learn to love myself as I am, but also learn that change is possible if I really want it.  I wish to learn that life is what we make of it and to truly believe that I am capable of whatever I aspire to.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

experiences worth having...

It's Wishcasting Wednesday.  I haven't been as focused on making my weekly wishes recently, but I am going to rectify that situation.  I just have to get myself to believe it's okay to take a few minutes for myself even on the busiest of days.

Today Jamie asks:

courtesy of we heart it

"I am no bird; and no net ensnares me; I am a free human being, with an independent will; which I now exert to leave you." -- Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

I wish to experience freedom from my own trappings.  I want to escape from my head and all the reasons why I shouldn't do certain things - why I shouldn't put myself first - and allow things to happen.  I wish to experience life instead of being so scared of what could happen.  So scared that it paralyzes me from doing anything.  It's not a life I think is worth living.  It definitely won't make me happy, so it's time to work on changing that.

What do you wish for?

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

a voice all my own

Tomorrow I will actually remember to do a recap/update on my Row80 progress and goals.  I've actually started meeting my daily requirements, mostly by reminding myself that it's okay to take a little time each day for myself to just write.  I've also had to constantly remind myself that it doesn't have to be great writing on  the first go...I just need to get the words flowing.

What motivated me to actually blog today, aside from the fact that I can finally breathe again at work, is this email I received today.  I've been putting some questions out in the universe lately, a lot to do with my issues/anger/sadness with my mother and letting go of the hurt/forgiving versus whatever I am now (not so forgiving).  And today, I received an email that was just this quote:

"The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice." - Peggy O'Mara

I've come to accept that a lot of the crap my mother put on my shoulders starting at a very young age was all her own issues.  I was just there and accessible and maybe in her own way she was trying to help me, but I grew up always feeling wrong, bad, ugly, stupid and fat.  I remember when I was four years old I was told that I had to switch to skim milk because I was heavy.  And I took that for absolute truth throughout my childhood and teen years and I look back now at pictures and think, "What was she smoking?  I wasn't fat.  I was a cute kid."

My mother's favorite saying with me for the first thirty years of my life was, "I'm your mother.  I have to be brutally honest with you because no one else will."  And here I am, three and a half years after she died, still reeling from all the things that she convinced me of.  It's so hard to undo - I feel guilty when I put myself first. I think I'm being selfish and bad and wrong.  I even feel horrible when I talk about my mother in negative terms in therapy - like I'm a bad daughter who shouldn't say anything and should just suck it up.

The thing is I want to forgive her and accept that she's human.  I know she wasn't out to be malicious with me.  she did love me in her way, whatever that was, and probably didn't even realize that she was taking all of her sadness/anger with her life out on me.  But I'm still not there.  Her voice is still my inner voice and it hates me and her at varying levels on different days.

So I slowly try to replace that voice each day.  I've started to learn to catch myself when I say something irrational and mean about myself.  I've started to reason with my inner voice...and maybe one day I won't automatically think wrong, bad, ugly, stupid and fat.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

You wanna be starting something...

It's Wishcasting Wednesday and today Jamie asks:

courtesy of we heart it

"The greatest amount of wasted time is the time not getting started." - Dawson Trotman

I wish to start writing every day.  I've re-begun my morning pages so I am doing the three handwritten pages a day, but despite signing up for Row80, I haven't been doing any writing beyond that except for the first few days.  Part of it is that work has been busy and I suddenly have a social life of sorts that requires me to stop being a hermit on my time off from writing keeps taking a back seat.  Even when I do have time, I keep choosing to do other things - I need to catch up on my coupons, let me organize my closet, etc.  

I need to create a small niche of time that is just my own for writing.  Even if I end up writing pure drivel that should never cross another person's line of vision.  If I want to be a published author, I can't just wish it into fruition, I have to put in the effort.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Row 80: round three goals

Row 80 is officially underway.  I'm a bit late on stating directly exactly what I hope to accomplish with this challenge.  Maybe not the brightest idea on my part to start a challenge while on vacation through the fourth of July. However, I have been doing my writing, just not on a computer.  I'm currently working a new YA book idea that I had last Friday.  I don't know where it will go at the moment, but I wanted to at least get some of it down before it disappeared into the ether of my brain.

My goals, what I want to accomplish this round:

1) restart my Artist's Way morning pages every morning - this is a habit I miss

2) write at least 250 words a day

3) This one is mostly mental, but I want to allow myself to make mistakes and try to get better with the idea that perfection is highly unlikely, especially in a first draft.  I often spend so much time fussing over one paragraph that I never move on.

I think if I can accomplish these goals, I'll be able to get myself back on track with my writing.  I'm not sure when or how I fell out of practice and just stopped doing it, but it's time to rectify that situation.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Row 80: a newbie try

I heard about Row 80 a little while ago, but between life and the fact that it was already in the middle of a round, I figured it was better to put it off (I know, story of my life and something I'm working on). Round 3 starts on July 2, 2012 and I've decided to take part.  I've done writing challenges before and I do find that the accountability and goal-setting tends to help me more than it harms me.  Over the years, I've learned to keep it challenging but reasonable, based on what is going on in my life and what I can honestly undertake.  I've learned the hard way what unrealistic goals lead to and it's never pretty.

I'm still percolating on the specific goals that I want to accomplish and I have a few days to finalize, but overall I want to:

  • write every day
  • get back to my Artist's Way morning pages (which would be in addition to my write every day word count)
  • write at least two stories

interesting day in the world...

I usually keep politics out of this blog.  It's not that I'm embarrassed of my leanings.  I'm a liberal, Jersey girl, and I'm proud of that, but usually it doesn't affect the things I'm battling in my day-to-day life.  So I keep it out of the blog and leave it to my twitter and such.  

But I have to comment on how happily surprised I am by the Supreme Court's decision to uphold the Affordable Care Act, including the mandate.  I definitely did not expect Chief Justice Roberts to be the one to uphold the 5-4 ruling.  Again, pleasantly surprised.  I partially think part of it was that when he was confirmed, he spent a great deal of time talking about the importance of separating politics and the judicial branch.  And it's also been rumored that he's been upset by the views the American public currently have of the Supreme Court (that it is, in fact, majorly political), so I wonder if that affected it?  I'm sure there are many scholars who will talk about this ad nauseam better than I could, so I'll leave that to them.  I'll just say that I'm glad it was upheld and all the crazy tea party people (who I still maintain don't understand history or the real tea party) swearing we now live in a dictatorship sure don't seem to think that way when it comes to a woman controlling her own body.  I think this is good for the country.  It's good for the people to have health care and it's good for the economy.


In other news, building on yesterday's wischasting, I received this daily email as a reminder:

On this day of your life, Mare, I believe God wants you to know...
...that it is never safe to look into the future with eyes
of fear.

Edward H. Harriman said that, and he was right. Nothing
is fearful lest thinking make it so. I can honestly say that
probably 95% of the things I was afraid of, it turned out
I had no reason to be. 

And even if the thing you fear what? Again,
95% of the time your world is not going to fall apart, your
life will not be in danger. So drop fear by the wayside.
Just... let it go. Then make way for a surprising tomorrow.

I'm trying not to let fear reign over my daily life.  I know fear will never completely go away, I think it's just part of the genetic make-up of most of us, but I can learn how not to let it control everything.  It's hard, but I'm working on it. 

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

holding onto faith

Dear universe:

I'm trying to understand your plans for me.  I'm trying to be optimistic and hopeful and not give up on my dreams.  But I feel like every time I start to get a grip on life and what I need to do and where I need to go, something new happens.  Like ending up in the emergency room with a kidney infection.  What are you trying to teach me?  What am I missing here?  Because, no offense, some days, it's really hard to have faith.

A questioning Mare


It's Wishcasting Wednesday, my friends!  This is always a favorite.

Today Jamie asks:

courtesy of we heart it

"A dream is a wish your heart makes when you're fast asleep.  In dreams you will lose your heartaches.  Whatever you wish for, you keep.  Have faith in your dreams, and someday, your rainbow will come smiling through.  No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dreams that you wish will come true." - Cinderella (Disney version)

You would think a question like this should be easy enough.  If it's in your heart, it should leap out of the page (or website) and hit you right in the gut, making everything suddenly make sense.  Of course, nothing in life really is so simple, at least not for me, and I've been pondering this question for the better part of twenty minutes.  What is my heart's wish?'s...wish?

To learn to overcome my own fears and worries that I'm just not good enough and just do the things that I know will make me happy.  I'm the queen of second guessing every little thing and I just want to live more in the moment, do what I feel is right and not worry so much about every possible catastrophe.  I feel like I need to remind myself that I'm much stronger than I think to give myself credit for.  I've survived a lot in my life and I'll survive more.  I am capable and deserving.

So I guess, my heart's wish is to stop being afraid of the "what if" all the time.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

to be delighted...

It seems that as soon as I feel like "hey, things are ok," I am reminded how sad my state of affairs currently is.  I just had to spend money on a new washer and dryer, only to find out that people who had my house before made some sort of makeshift draining system that confounded my plumber (it's never good to hear, "I'm not sure how your basement hasn't flooded by now") and cost nine hundred dollars to fix.  Seriously, universe, what are you trying to tell me?  What do I need to learn so I can move on from the woe-is-me phase of things?

In good news, I managed to get my room cleaned and decluttered.  Next is the stockpile from couponing.  My sister and I have enough toothpaste to last a few years at this point (and I didn't pay for any of it - viva la coupons!), but it was just all over the place.  I finally had to put my foot down as our house was starting to look like an episode of Hoarders.

Slowly trying to get rid of my mother's stuff.  I have finally let go of any feelings of sentimentality and guilt that I've had about the possibility of selling/donating/trashing her things.  Both her and my father were pack rats and I'm drowning in stuff.  Argh.

Also good - I have been off all soda for 47 days today.  It has not been easy and some days I really want a Coke, but I drink my water and if I need something sweet, I have a glass of Newman's Own Lemonade.  I now want to turn my success with soda into success with snacking.

Even better than good?   Today is wishcasting Wednesday.  I've been neglecting the lovely circle of wishcasters and I resolve to correct that immediately.

Today Jamie asks:

courtesy of we heart it

"Quit hanging on to the handrails....Let Go.  Surrender.  Go for the ride of your life.  
Do it every day." - Melodie Beattie

Building on what I wrote above, I wish to delight in some sense of stability and organization in my life.  I feel like things are in chaos - emotionally and physically - and I keep having these dreams of just packing up my car with what I need and moving on.  No strings attached.  Nothing to hold me back.  While I'm not quite ready to just abandon my house and job and such, I do think my subconscious wants me to free myself a bit.  

I wish to breathe easily, without fear and what if thoughts bogging me down.  I wish to delight in all the small triumphs I make on my way and to remember them when things are tough and I need proof that I am capable.  I wish to feel like I'm flying or riding in a ferris wheel like the one in the picture, looking out into the distance, wind brushing against my cheeks and the sun giving way to night.  Free and happy.

What do you wish for?

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

this house is not a home

I decided that no matter what I am making time for myself today to take part in Wishcasting Wednesday.  It's always a great thing to ponder and focus on and I love the interaction with the other wishcasters.  Things have been busy and I've been feeling woe-is-me lately, but I'm only punishing myself by ignoring the things that I love.

Today Jamie asks:

courtesy of we heart it

"Until you value yourself, you will not value your time.  Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it." - M. Scott Peck

It's funny and serendipitous that this question comes up after I just finished a therapy session where I spent a large time talking about my house and the things that need to get done that I keep feeling paralyzed by.  I'm so bogged down by resentment about the house situation I'm in (that originally was not of my making, but it's my own doing that I've let it go on) and so overwhelmed by the amount of stuff just taking up the house.  Both my parents were pack rats.  And in the past year, my sister and I have become hardcore couponers with a growing stockpile.  Except it's currently all over the place and unorganized, driving the Virgo in my more than a little insane.  My mother moved all her crap from place to place and now it's sitting in my sun room in boxes out the wazoo because I still haven't gone through it all.  A part of it is just that there is so much and it always falls to me to do this stuff and it's not fair.  Another part of it is that I feel slightly guilty that I feel no sentimental attachment to any of it.  If I could legally do it without destroying the house or hurting someone, I would just set the big pile of crap on fire and call it a day.    Mostly though, I think about everything that has to be done, get overwhelmed and can't focus on doing it in baby steps.  Like with everything else, baby steps are a good thing to remember.  Instead of trying to conquer a lifetime worth of stuff, I should focus on one section of a room at a time.  

There are so many things I'd like to do for my house and not all require a ton of money (which is very tight). So my wish for my home is that it starts to feel more like a house than a prison by me taking things little by little and sorting it out.  And if we could also qualify for a lower mortgage rate by refinancing, that would be great too.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

it's wishcasting wednesday & van halen is stuck in my head

It's Wishcasting Wednesday and today Jamie asks:

"So long as you have courage and a sense of humor, it is never too late to start life afresh." - Freeman Dyson

I wish to jump back into my writing.  Since January, I've been very lackadaisical with my writing.  I stopped my morning pages randomly and haven't restarted them (and I definitely feel it).  I don't really allot time in my day/week for writing/creative playing like I should.  I've been focusing on other things - things that did need attention and were driving me crazy - but I need to learn to still allow for my writing.  So it's back to writing and working on my YA novel and sharing stories with friends and taking part in the Indie Ink Challenge.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Close my eyes, jump and fly...

I'm having a bit of a day.  There are things going on with a co-worker that bring up my own bad memories and make me think of less than stellar moments.  I had a tough therapy session, which I logically know is a good thing, but has left me feeling wiped.  And the sun has disappeared behind the clouds and I just wish I could curl up and sleep away the rest of this day.  I'm trying not to steal my own joy, but sometimes I get in my own way so very easily.

It is wishcasting Wednesday though, and that always makes me feel better, contemplate a little bit, and share with other lovely wishers & dreamers.

Today Jamie asks:

courtesy of we heart it

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that frightens us.  We ask ourselves, 'who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be?  You are a child of God.  Your playing small doesn't serve the world.  There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.  We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.  It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.  And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.  As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Marianne Williamson

I wish to rise above my own limitations, the voice that tells me not to try, to not dream big because it will end in failure and I'm not good enough or deserving enough or whatever-enough that my head thinks up.  I am truly my own worst enemy.  I spent much of my hour of therapy today talking about how I am horrible to myself and I need to stop getting in my own way so much.  I don't let myself enjoy even small victories without a voice in my head telling me, "Yeah, but you didn't do that and this is stupid and..."

I need to stop this.  Even if I can't bring myself to challenge my inner demons at the moment, I can shut them up and stop listening to them.  I can rise above the power they hold on me and let myself jump free.  It will definitely be scary, but if I've learned nothing else from my life it's that I'm a survivor.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

it's a sleepy wishcasting day...

Today was a long, busy day.  It seems that managers in my office sit on work for weeks at a time and then expect it to get done ohmigodrighthtissecondbecauseit'sDUE.  And hey, I'm a huge procrastinator.  If I could make a living at procrastinating, I'd probably become productive just to procrastinate.  However, I don't put off work, especially if other people will need to be involved.  Oh well, what can I do?

Breathe in, breathe out.

I do love Wednesdays though because it's wishcasting time and today Jamie asks:

courtesy of we heart it

"Our strength grows out of our weaknesses." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

I wish to be whole.  Healthy, not wasting my life in fear, but grabbing hold of it and flying, and happy.  My weight and health are huge issues for me. I'm not naive enough to think that all my problems will disappear if I wake up healthy and fit, but it would go along way to helping me.  I want to embrace small successes so that one day I can see how far I've come.

I want to grow and stretch and learn and cry and laugh.  I want to try everything instead of putting it on a bucket list that I never touch.  I want to become the me I'm meant to be.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

the universe and self-esteem and a wish or two or three...

Apparently the universe doesn't want to hear me whine.  I had this whole little spiel typed out about my own meanness toward myself and how I don't feel like I'm moving forward in fixing myself and how frustrating it is.  Bah.  It continues to be the great issue of my life.  I have no self esteem and while it began with my mother, I learned to go with it and I'm just so hard on myself.  It's hard to have self esteem when you constantly hate yourself for ridiculous and untrue reasons.  It's the getting it through my head that I'm not this monster I've conjured that is the trouble.  Sometimes it's hard to see how far I've come with therapy over the past three years, but the I am a lot better, just impatient and too hard on myself.

But it's March and the weather here is gorgeous and I'm finally free of the plague and sinus woes and allergic reactions that caused me to break out in hives.  I'm feeling pretty good.  I woke up today feeling like I could conquer the world.  I wish I could bottle that feeling so I'd have it for the not-so-great-days.

Also on the bright side, it's wishcasting wednesday, and today Jamie asks:

courtesy of we heart it

"Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit." - EE Cummings

I have to admit, on first glance at this question, I didn't really have an immediate answer that popped out of me.  Usually, I just know the answer, but today, I found myself going back and forth and really thinking about this.  What is my spirit wishing for?

And I think it falls in line with my therapy today and all the emotions bogging me down and how I treat myself.  My spirit is wishing for healing and compassion and some acknowledgement that the two are intertwined.  I need to be patient and understanding with myself, the same way I would be with someone else.

So it's actually kind of simple and yet oh-so-hard.

What's your wish?

As you wish for yourself, so I truly wish for you also!

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

It's bound to be a better ride than what you've got planned...

It's Wednesday.  I am still battling illness of doom, but at least it's no longer bronchitis.  It's now a bad sinus infection - I'm not sure why that's better, but my doctor seemed to think it was progress.  Unfortunately the hacking cough and grossness still hasn't gone away.  And this is why, when co-workers come in all sickly in the future, I will wear a mask like I'm a commuter in Japan or something.

My note from the universe today was something I could do with remembering more often:

It may seem a bit backwards for some, Mare, but the first step on might take towards rearranging the present circumstances of their life is to stop dwelling upon the present circumstances of their life.

But for you it's probably a no-brainer.

The Universe

I wish I could say it was a no-brainer, but I do tend to get bogged down by what's going on in the minute.  I also tend to then take that and freak out about possible horrible futures.  It's a strange thing.  I'm actually a pretty optimistic gal, but when it comes to myself, my own well being and my own successes/failures, I can be a horrible pessimist.  I continue to work on that.

One of the great things about Wednesday, aside from the work week being halfway through, is that it's wishcasting Wednesday.  Today Jamie asks:

courtesy of we heart it

"Oh!  Do not attack me with your watch.  A watch is always too fast or too slow.  I cannot be dictated to by a watch." - Mansfield Park by Jane Austen

I have this nasty habit of making strange deadlines in my own head of where I should be with my life and start to get angry with myself because I'm not there.  It's not productive and usually leads to me wallowing about wondering why I'm bothering - as though thirty-six is so old and beyond accomplishing great things.  It's bizarre and negative and wrong.  I view time as my enemy and it's not.

I wish to spend my time without worry about what should be and focus on what I want and accomplishing it, without fear and hesitation and getting caught up in the too late mantra.

I wish to spend my time exploring myself and the world through those eyes, embracing creativity and spirituality and all those other great -ity words.

I wish to laugh and cry and face my fears with courage.

I wish to remember that each second counts and it's no use to me to spend those precious moments caught up in games of "what if" and "i suck" and "bah! humbug!"

What do you wish for?