the end of 2010 and Reverb 10

I wish I could say that I was walking away from 2010 with a profound understanding of who I am and where I want to go, but I'm not quite there yet.  I think, if I had to sum this year up, it's been one of learning about the journey, slowly accepting that it's okay to be true to myself, that there are no expectations to live up to except my own, and that life is really what you make it.  It's been a year of admitting, out loud and to other people, all the pain I carried around for years, going to therapy to work on things, and realizing that the way I grew up was not healthy and it wasn't my fault.  So hard to even write still - it wasn't my fault.  My dad died when I was little and my mother was an alcoholic and there was no one to protect me.  It's not about pity or worrying how it makes other people feel to say these things - it's just a fact. 

And i feel sad for that little girl that I was because in that mess of a life, she stopped believing in the improbable and gave up on herself.  And that way only leads to misery - god, my mother is the perfect example of that - and I want more.

So, to quote Eminem, I'm cleaning out the closet. Making room for new adventures and experiences.  I'm ready.  And if I fall, well, I'll live and learn.

**

With the holidays and life, I kind of got off track with Reverb 10.  But let's end on a good note with it, so I don't feel like an abject failure (yeah, still working on those negative thoughts).

December 30 – Gift. This month, gifts and gift-giving can seem inescapable. What’s the most memorable gift, tangible or emotional, you received this year? (Author: Holly Root)  

My sister went to one of my therapy sessions at the beginning of December with me.  I know what it took for her to go.  We both grew up in the same house, surrounded by the same staunch Irish Catholic family that believed you just don't talk about things that go in your house and feelings are to be kept to a minimum.  And I know she was anxious about the whole idea of it, but she went for me and I found it to be quite helpful and sad.  I felt a little less crazy because she saw it too, how my mother was with me, but I also felt sad because I couldn't protect her from all of it.  I'm her big sister and it was drilled into my head from a very young age that it was my job to look out for her.  My dad would say it, my mom would say, teachers would say - Mare, you need to look out for your sister.  I've held onto that, even into our adulthood, and she let me off the hook.  She reminded me that she was a capable adult and I could focus on myself without feeling selfish or like I was letting her down.  Probably the best thing she could do for me, because I never could do it for myself.

December 31 – Core Story. What central story is at the core of you, and how do you share it with the world?

There was once this kid.  She liked to dance and laugh and think of all the things she could do.  Her dad would tell her that she could do whatever she wanted as long as she worked hard and believed it enough.  He protected her from monsters in her room - trees do eat people, look at Poltergeist - and took her to work with him. 

And then he got sick and she didn't quite understand it and the world fell into chaos, with people in-and-out the doors, random weirdness from strangers, odd pitiful looks.  Things she didn't get at the time, but that would play over and over again in her head throughout the years, like the joke you get twenty seconds too late.  Oh, I'm that girl.  The life she knew ceased to exist, except no one really prepared her for it, and she didn't know what she had done wrong, why this was happening. 

She put together a makeshift existence, random twigs and moments, but it was full of leaks.  It didn't quite work the way it used to.  Her mother couldn't feel the whole that losing her dad had created.  Her family was too caught up in their own lives or too blind to the fact that her mother pulled away from everything and forced the girl and her sister along.  The mother was sad and miserable and didn't understand the girl of daydreams at all, which was just fine because the girl felt the same way about this evil villain.   If only things were different, if only people noticed, if only.  Daydream girl was the queen of if-onlys.    There was no one there to see, to help her make sense of things, to protect her from those monsters and she hated the world for a really long time.  She hid away inside herself, just trying to get by.  And then the evil villain died suddenly and once again, the sandcastle life this girl had created for herself washed away with the tide.

Once again, she's rebuilding, foundation is a little worse-for-the-wear in places, but the funny thing is, she can visualize a much sturdier world now.  And it's okay. 

Days 20-22: Reverb10 Catch-Up

I'm hoping the craziness will slow down.  I have one more work day before I start vacation and one more story to finish by tomorrow evening.  I'm hoping then I can just relax and enjoy my time.  I want to do some journaling and more of letters.  It's a form of therapy I've been doing.  I have such issues with saying aloud things I'm feeling.  I'm one of those people who constantly lives in fear of hurting anyone's feelings, maybe because I grew up feeling that way a lot, and I find that I can write these sorts of letters to the person.  Completely unleash and just let it rest in my journal.  Nothing I would ever mail.  I'm not that brave or masochistic.

So let's play catch-up on Reverb 10.

December 20 – Beyond Avoidance. What should you have done this year but didn’t because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?) (Author: Jake Nickell)

I spent a lot of the year avoiding writing.  I slowly started back with using this blog, but even that.  I can't really explain it rationally, but a small part of my love of writing used to come from the fact that my mother just didn't get it.  It seemed to frustrate her - that I lived with my head in the clouds, determined that one day that would be my profession - and I loved to frustrate her.  And then she died and writing became this confusing thing.  I felt like I couldn't do it.  The one outlet I'd always had and I just couldn't get myself to sit down and do it.  I think I was afraid of what would come out.  Or what wouldn't.  I'm getting back into the habit, but I feel like I wasted so many months avoiding something I love.  Aside from writing, I think this has been the first year in my entire life where I haven't been avoiding most things.  I'm in therapy and working on my myriad of issues and trying to face life head-on instead of hiding in the bushes in hopes it doesn't see me.

December 21 – Future Self. Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead? (Bonus: Write a note to yourself 10 years ago. What would you tell your younger self?) (Author: Jenny Blake)

Hi Mare:


I hope you are enjoying your forties with grace and peace of mind.  I'm sure you're busy finishing up your masters and getting ready to publish your latest novel.  Things are great because you've been learning to let go of all that crap.  I want you to look back at 2010 and this time around it and remember, even in the darkest moments and hardest therapy sessions, it was all worth it.  You're a better person.  You're happy and not so hard on yourself, and you've found a way to let go of all the anger/hurt with your mother and remember the good times.  I want you to know that in 2011, it's supposed to be the "year of me" and it's okay to put yourself first.  Make your voice heard - to yourself and others - and you can conquer the world.  Just remember, you deserve everything you wish for those you love.  Work hard and believe in yourself.  It pays off.  Trust me on that.


Love, 

Future Me

December 22 – Travel. How did you travel in 2010? How and/or where would you like to travel next year? (Author: Tara Hunt) 

Money has been super, super tight the past two years.  I work for a non-profit and with the state of the economy, we didn't get any raises last year.  It's never a lot - as it is a non-profit and it's part of the gig - but every bit helps.  And Murphy's Law was in full effect where every single thing happened at once and depleted lots of my funds.  So as far as travel, it's mostly been in my daydreams.  Sometimes I close my eyes and I'm back at the Cliffs of Moor in Ireland.  I think it is the most beautiful, perfect place I've ever visited.  I hope to go there again one day.

Day 18 & 19: Reverb 10 (Try & Heal)

I got back-logged on Reverb 10 the past four days.  I had a story deadline that had me anxious and life kept getting in the way and I would remember I needed to do my posts when i was nowhere near my computer.

So I'm just going to partake in yesterday and today's Reverb 10 prompts.

December 18 – Try. What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn’t go for it? (Author: Kaileen Elise)

I want to try to put myself out there more with my writing.  I have this nasty habit of stopping midway through a piece because I look into the future in an evil sort of way where it ends horribly and only proves I'm failure.  So I stop.  The funny thing, one of the few areas in my life I'm truly confident is my ability to write, but I find so many ways to avoid to it.

I want to train for 5K because I've been so bored and lazy with my workouts.  I think having a goal to work toward outside of losing weight might help me.  Plus, I think it would be such a great achievement for me.  To go from the girl who once got winded walking up stairs to completing a 5K.

I think the big thing for me is that I just don't want to be so afraid to try things, to spend so much time analyzing and over-thinking every single thing that I miss out on fun and potential greatness.  2010 was a year where I've spent a lot of time evaluating and learning about myself and while I can't think of anything that I really wanted to try that I passed on...I think that's more because I was so oblivious to my own wants and needs.

December 19 – Healing. What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011? (Author: Leonie Allan)

For so many years, I had people telling me that I should probably talk to someone.  My doctor, who prescribed my medications for anxiety/depression, thought it would help me.  My friends, who knew about my mother's alcoholism often thought it would be good for me.  But I couldn't do it.  I was terrified of opening up about things.  I spent thirty years stuffing it all in and I still felt so very protective of my mother.  And a part of me was convinced the therapist would judge me because that's how I thought about everything.  Me being judged.  Pretty self-centered in a destructive way. 

When she died and I went to a really dark place, I finally forced myself to find a therapist.  It was the hardest and best thing I've done for myself.  This past year has been so emotionally draining and hard at times.  But I'm slowly stripping away at the defenses I built up and letting people know how I feel more.  I'm working through all the hurt I grew up with so I can put it behind me.  I've learned that it's okay to want to be happy and that I deserve it.  And I'm realizing my mother doesn't need me to protect anymore and that it was never really my job anyway.  She was supposed to protect me, not the other way around. 

In 2011, I hope to heal a bit more regarding the anger I carry around.  I have a ton of abandonment issues and grew up feeling like there was no one there for me.  No one to protect me, to mentor me, to have my back.  And there were people I expected to do that, I realize now, even though I never asked for help.  I want to forgive them and let it go.  I want to be free of these burdens of the past so that I can focus on my right now.

Day 15: Reverb 10 (5 Minutes)

Today's Reverb 10 Prompt:

December 15 – 5 Minutes. Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010. (Author: Patti Digh)

1) Hanging out with my friends on my sister's birthday, playing rock band and chatting.
2) Finding Katniss, the survival kitty, and knowing that she had survived and was healthy.
3) A few of my hard therapy sessions where I made some discoveries about the anger/grief I carry around and being able to admit to myself and say, "I had bad parents."
4) Getting told by another trainer at the gym that I was working hard, kicking butt, and she could tell that I had it in me to get fit.
5) Hanging out with some of my friends that I don't get to see very often for dinner and chatting.
6) The first time I was able to make it through an Advanced Bootcamp class, sweat pouring down my face, huffing and puffing, but able to do it all.
7)  Becoming a finalist in a writing contest and getting some good feedback on my young adult novel's direction.
8) My sister buying me a new computer for all that I've done to help her since my mother died.
9) My sister coming to a therapy session with me and learning I wasn't alone and that I managed to do my job and protect her from things.
10)  Seeing the new Harry Potter movie and loving every second of it.

ready to leave 2009 eating dust behind me...

“Year’s end is neither an end nor a beginning but a going on, with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us.” ― Hal Borland

I wish I could say that I woke up this morning feeling profound and thinking about all the good and bad of 2009. Maybe this would've been the case if it weren't for the icky snow on the ground and the horrible commute to work, which just left me with a frustrated feeling that I'm still trying to let go of. Basically, it made hate 2009 even more. Sure, it wasn't my favorite year, starting off at the end of January with the out-of-nowhere death of my mother, but there were good moments too. And it's like all of that got lost in the grief of my mother's death and my own issues. After all, how can a year be okay in some ways when you lost your mother? How can you be happy about things? It's something I'm still trying to work out in my head.

Obviously, I had my good share of ups and downs, but with the new year, i want to focus on the positive. I want 2010 to be an amazing year, which I know doesn't mean perfect as whose life works like that, and I think the best way to bring that about is to go in thinking about what I have accomplished to move me forward.

Things I accomplished in 2009:

1) Lost 40 pounds. It's been a hard road at times, and I still struggle, but I've managed to incorporate working out into my life and cut out all caffeine and soda from my diet. Last month, after months of no soda at all, I decided that a glass of soda on Thanksgiving wouldn't kill me. i was worried it might be a slippery slope back into my horrible soda addiction, but it turns out, I don't know what I really saw in soda to begin with. I guess I had given myself enough time to realize it wasn't actually good.

2) Seeking out therapy. I've always had my issues, but I was raised in an Irish Catholic family where you don't talk about feelings and repressing things is so great. And despite my doctor always suggesting I see someone, I would put it off. After my mother died, I really decided I needed to talk to someone. Because I was having so many emotions bubble to the surface. I loved my mother but ours wasn't always the best relationship. We were close in some ways and so very far apart in many others. Mostly, we just didn't get each other. And when my dad died when i was eleven, so began our very tumultuous relationship.

I'm still not that great with therapy. I even tell my therapist that because it's so engrained in me not to talk about feelings and trying to unearth reality from my own perceptions...and to do all this without feeling like I'm putting it all on my dead mother when she can't defend herself. It's a learning process. But at least I've started the journey.

3) Meditation. I began practicing meditation in 2009. I usually meditate for about twenty minutes at least four times a week. it took me awhile to realize it was okay not to get it right away. I'm one of those people who feels like if I can't be perfect at something immediately it might not be worth my time, so it was a challenge. But I stuck with it. And it's just a nice little break in my day that's all for me to unwind.

4) Standing up for myself. I'm not 100% there on this, but I think I've always confused being a good family member/friend with being a doormat. And I think all of the above helped me realize that sometimes it's okay to put myself first. sometimes it's not a sign of bad friendship on my part when I need to walk away from someone who is constantly negative and takes me for granted. sometimes it's okay to stand by my own choices and not be talked into what other people want for me.

Anyway, as I look at this, I don't think 2009 was entirely bad. I've learned a lot of lessons about life. And I am one of those people that believes things happen for reasons that we might not understand...I didn't want to lose my mother, but I think it did force me to grow up in some ways that I hadn't and to take stock of how fleeting life can be. I made the decision to be present in my life and 2009 gave me that.

Doesn't let it off the hook for everything though.