Wishcasting on health

My day began with a root canal.  Never the way one wants to begin the day, but at least the pain in my tooth is gone (one hopes - mouth is still numb so jury is out).  It's a lovely day, I'm in a good space with my writing this week, and the temporary assistant I trained last week is doing a great job, which takes some burden off me.

The best?  It's wishcasting wednesday.  If you're unfamiliar, it's "...a safe haven for wishes, a fertile field in which to plant wish seeds and have them witnessed and tended lovingly. It’s a place where magic begins."

This week Jamie asks us:

What do you wish for your health?

courtesy of we heart it

I don't think this one is any surprise to anyone who reads my journal.  It's my ongoing journey/battle/whatever-you-call-it with my weight and getting to a place where I'm healthy and happy.  I wish to lose weight, get in shape, and take the steps I need to in order to insure my health as best as I can.  I have two parents who died fairly young - my father died of cancer when I was little and my mother had a heart attack two years ago.  So far, I've lost 75lbs, removed soda from my diet for 91 days (and counting!  I almost succumbed this weekend, but decided the feeling of not having it was worth more than the craving), and have been slowly getting back on track with tracking my calories.

What I need to do now is step it up and add exercise back into my routine.  It's about restructuring my time and priorities.  I really want this, but I've realized that I have to put the work in for it to actually pay off.  That means, setting aside an hour at least four days a week for working out.  It's worth it.  I just have to get myself motivated.

I wish to find the motivation to push me forward on my continued journey to lose weight and get healthy.  I want to remember to reward the small steps in the right direction (which is why I know exactly how many days I've avoided any soda!) and not be so hard on myself when I fall down.  I need to believe that I can do it and that I deserve to do it.  I wish for my mind to catch up with what my body wants from me.



celebrations and new goals...

I have not had a drop of soda in seventy-six days.  76!  That's huge for me.  I had such a terrible addiction to Coke and Cherry 7-Up.  It was insane and unhealthy and there was no real reason for it because I'm one of those people who actually likes water.  But I'm like a  junkie in need of a fix with soda - moderation doesn't work.  I had managed to give up soda for six months at one point, until one day I thought, "it's been long enough, a small diet coke won't hurt me."  It was like a deluge opened and I would have excuse after excuse for not stopping again.  It's a weird addiction to have, but I'm learning that the reasons I want soda are muddled in a mess of things and it's best to avoid it if I can. 

76 days!

I want to take this victory and use it to go into other areas of my life.  It's all about small steps, making small changes, and it's also all about making sure I'm proud of my accomplishments. 

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In other news, I am using the WordPress journal I set up awhile ago to join in on a writing adventure with a great group.  It's the Serpentine Road and I know it will be great for unleashing my creativity.  I'm so focused on numbers lately that it's causing me to freeze up.  And it makes me dread writing - I hate feeling like that.  I'm also hoping to do more random writing in this blog as well.  I'm not sure where my block is coming from - life, fear, me - but I'm ready to plow through it.

there are things that need tending to...

It's Wishcasting Wednesday.  As Jamie puts it, "Make a Wish: Dare to dream. Every Wednesday here at Jamie Ridler Studios, there will be a wish prompt to inspire you, but you can always wish for whatever you like, whenever you like. If you’d like to share your wish on your blog or website, there will be a space here for you to share your link so that others can visit and help tend your wish."

Today she asks:

What do you wish to tend?

I wish to tend to my health, losing weight and getting fit.  I wish to tend to the emotions that arise, especially those that invoke a sense of failure and not good enough, as I continue on this journey.  I'm an emotional eater.  I eat out of sadness, stress, boredom, whatever...I might not be hungry, but still I eat.  I try to hide it because I'm ashamed and can't figure out what's wrong with me - why do I constantly do this - but that only makes it worse.  I've taken a good first step in tracking everything that goes into my mouth again.  It's definitely helping me to notice patterns.  Night is the worse time for me.  If I don't have a dinner planned, it all goes to hell.  I do better when I get my workout in early, as I feel more confident and more determined to not have a "wasted" session. 

Take yesterday, for example.  I did good throughout the day.  I had a surplus of calories going into dinner.  But I had not planned for dinner and we ended up eating McDonalds.  I didn't go over my calories by much and I don't want to beat myself up over it, but I want to learn from this.  No plan in place = me grabbing something quick and unhealthy.  I wish to tend to this by taking some time on Sunday to plan out meals and put everything in place that I need. 

I wish to tend to these fears that continue to sprout up in me, the little demon voice that tells me: you don't deserve this, you don't really want this, why not save yourself the inevitable let down? 

I'm starting to realize that there doesn't have to be an inevitable let down and that's such a horrible place to live my life from.  I need to remind myself that I'm a survivor of so many things and that whatever I did in the past to get by doesn't have to be the total sum of my life.  I'm allowed to be happy and laugh and live a long time even though neither of my parents did.  I'm allowed to find something I love in life.  I'm allowed to feel comfortable in my own skin.

And for me, that all begins with tending to my health and weight.  Such a simple thing for some, but for me, a huge step.  I'm ready though, even if the demon voice in my head isn't.

Calorie tracking and mean allergies...

Allergy season is officially upon us here in South Jersey and it's killing me.  I realize the importance of plants and pollination.  I truly appreciate being able to breathe, but must it torment me so?  I wanted to stay curled up in bed this morning as my head and eyes hurt, but I forced myself up and to work.  I'm sitting here rather sleepy and bleh, unable to focus, and wondering if I made the right decision.  It's such a weird dynamic for me.  On the one hand, I don't want to use sick time on allergies, but on the other hand, I feel like I'm accomplishing nothing at the office. 

I'm on day nine of my healthy living journey (yes, diet, I know, but I do hate that word) and there have been a few rough patches, but overall, I'm doing okay.  I only had one day where I was over calories and I still forced myself to track the food I ate so that I could try to learn from it.  Or, at the very least, see in cold hard numbers exactly what those three slices of pizza cost me nutritionally so that in the future, I can go into a situation aware. 

I haven't been doing the exercise part much yet.  One day last week.  Better than no days, but this won't work if I don't get moving.  I'm currently in the hiding-behind-no-time excuse, which is just that.  The thing is, I hate exercise.  Even when I was in a routine of doing it five times a week and getting fitter with each passing day, I never liked working out.  I saw it as one of those things I had to do.   Like work, but for my body.  I did like losing the weight and noticing that I could go for longer bouts of time at certain things, but the whole act of exercising is me getting from point A to point B.  I've accepted that I'm never going to be the girl who loves the gym and I'm not going to lie and pretend it's an enjoyable hour of my day, but it's an important one.  I need to focus on that more - it's important for my health and what I want to accomplish.

I once again, hit day six on #7daychip and had a bad day.  It wasn't as bad as some of my eating days in the past, but there is something about getting so close to a goal regarding my health that makes me sabotage myself.  There is this part of me that doesn't want to succeed, that doesn't think I deserve it, and that small part can take over so very easily.  I continue to work on being conscious of my eating decisions, but sometimes, I am conscious of it and still make the wrong choice.  I want to get control of this. 

Maybe it's as simple as starting with forgiving myself for slip-ups that do occur and moving on.  No looking back at how I messed up and I'm such a failure and my life is meant to be this way.  If I can start there, maybe whatever part of me gets off on failure and feeling terrible, will be silenced when I don't feed into it.

I don't know, really.  I'm talking out of my ass here.  All I do know is that something has to change.  I need to understand these patterns better if I'm going to avoid them in the future.

Victory:  Day 55 with no soda.  There have been a few moments where I almost gave in and had "just one" but stopped myself.  I really am proud of this and it often serves as a reminder that I can do whatever I put my mind to.

Mini Goal for Day:  Get all my waters in!

Mini Goal for Week:  Exercise two times.

7DayChip, I'm coming for you this week.  You will be mine!

I wish there was a pizza patch

I wish there was a pizza patch, sorta like a nicotine one, that gave you the pleasure of a great tasting pizza without any of the calories or fat.  If someone could invent that, they would make bank. 

I'm on day three of my journey to health.  Day one was fairly easy.  Day ones are always fairly easy - I'm full of energy and hope and the I-can-do-it mantra - once I commit to it.  Beginning day one is hard. I'm always tempted to say, "well, I should enjoy this one last time and start tomorrow" as though I'm promised an infinite number of tommorrows.  As though today doesn't matter.  But once I've started and committed to do it (and as I said in the last post, it really does have to just be a spontaneous thing for me as it keeps me from going down the line of beginning sabotage), day one is usually a high point for me.  I feel good about what I'm doing for myself. 

Day two is much harder, especially when you're so accustomed to using food as a part of your support system.  Yesterday, I got hit with some further money issues, which pumped my anxiety into high gear and as soon as I got home from work, after a majority of the day of eating so well, I grabbed my bag of Tortilla chips and headed to my room.  Somehow, I managed a moment of clarity of sorts before I did something that would just end up making me feel worse in the end.  I poured out one serving and put the bag away.  I gave myself the satisfaction I seemed to need (which is something that I need to work on and I am), but didn't tailspin out of control and instead just thought about why I was eating.  Was I hungry? A little, but I was pre-heating the oven for dinner.  Was this because I was upset?  Yeah.  A lot.   Would eating this bag of chips really make me feel better?  No...well, maybe for the time it takes to eat it, but then I'll feel sick, ashamed and angry with myself. 

It was a huge moment for me and I'm happy to report that I came in under my calorie limit for the day, even with the serving of Tortilla chips.  There is nothing wrong with eating a serving Tortilla chips from Whole Foods, but there is an issue with eating it because I'm feeling bad.  I need to be conscious of my food choices and start asking myself before I eat anything, "Am I doing this because I'm hungry?" At least until I can get into a better habit of understanding my self-destructive tendencies. 

It also made me aware that I need to find new, healthier things to reach for when I'm having these moments of anxiety and fear and anger. 
I am proud that I've made it through two days and am on my way through day three with the calories.   My goal for today is to add in some cardio and not let excuses or random things keep me from 30 minutes for myself.

it's a new dawn, it's a new day...

If one were to put an official starting over day on changing her diet and lack of exercise, I guess today would be that day for me.  Per my usual, I just woke up and decided today was the day.  It tends to work for me in the long run best (after all, it's how I managed to get started on breaking my soda habit - just waking up and doing it), but I'm more than a little freaked out.

My mind tends to run in the most negative manner.  It likes to point out how I've yet to last longterm and I always hit a wall of my own making and what's the point.  But I'm so sick of listening to that voice.  I want to do this.  I want to take this step and make these changes so that I can be one step closer on my life journey of happiness and living a good life.

I'm in the middle of the wonderful Blossom From the Heart E-Course by Sara Blackthorne and in the middle of writing on one of the prompts in my journal, I had this sad, but important epiphany.  Even before I was ever, by any health guidelines, considered "fat," I have lived my life with that as a defining factor.  I both hate being fat and fear letting go of it.  Because then I'm standing there, vulnerable to the world, no excuses in my way to keep me from living life, and when I fail (as we all do), I'll have to own it.  I couldn't hide behind the idea that I didn't get the job because I was fat or this friendship didn't work out because I was fat.  In this warped way, I've made being heavy into a protective shield of sorts.  Except it's not really.

I thought about creating a separate journaling place for just tracking my journey to get healthy and lose weight, but that really defeats why I created this blog in the first place.  This blog is about me, learning who I am in all the various forms - creativity, reading, getting healthy, whatever comes up as I go.  So if you read (and I love & appreciate the encouragement) my blog and this isn't up your alley, just skim right on by, but I feel like I need to do this.  I do better when I document my journey, when I explore the things behind my decisions so I can learn from them.  I set up a MyFitnessPal account for tracking calories, food, and exercise, but I also want a place to really delve into the emotional side for me.

I'm off to a good start for the day and using MyFitnessPal is showing me not only calories, but how many grams of carbs and protein I'm getting in and how much I should be.  Hardly surprising is that I get in more carbs than protein, but what is astounding is just how many grams of protein I'm lacking.  I must work on that.  Tonight, after my food shopping and walk, I think I'll be looking for some good protein-heavy recipes that aren't too hard to cook. 

Goals for this week:  track what I eat (good/bad), get moving, and not judge myself too harshly