my cat's perfect day

I had so much fun last week that I signed up for the Indie Ink Writing Challenges again. This week I challenged My Plaid Pants and my challenge - Describe your perfect day in your better life - came from BinaryFootPrint.

I had planned to make this one nonfiction, but I came home this evening, feeling crappy, to find my cat, Dexter, conked out on my bed and I was slightly jealous of his life.  I wondered what his "better life" would be and this is what came out. I'm sure that I'm offending cats everywhere with this piece.

dexter is not impressed

Better life?  Maybe that's something other cats need, like the ones in shelters or featured in those weird commercials that always make my human cry and needlessly cuddle me (hello, I'm not in need of love.  I'm in need of new toys and food of my liking), but my life is pretty good.  I've got a roof over my head when water pours down from the sky, food and toys (there are never enough toys), and a water fountain to slurp my water out of all day.  This is especially fun when I'm feeling vindictive and want to make my litter as messy as possible.  To others like me out there - not only does water keep you hydrated and able to live up to your best kitty potential, but it can really gross out the ladies.  I've often heard, "You sicken me, Dexter.  You're a monster."

Indeed.

I'll humor you for a minute with the idea of this better life and my perfect day.  Purr-fect.  Hee.  Get it?  I'm hysterical.  And some people think cats don't have a sense of humor!  Okay, fair enough.  Some of us don't.  I've met a few felines in my day that are pretty hostile.  You guys call it "feral" but it's just mean.  There is no need to hiss at me from outside while I sit on a nice fluffy  bed and preen on my porch.  It's not my fault that I was such a catch.

Where was I?   Thoughts tend to come and go really fast in my head.  Not like dog fast, where I'm distracted by the simplest things, but still - sometimes a bird has been known to fascinate me for hours.  I'm not proud of it, but there you go.

I guess that would be the first thing in my better world and perfect day to be addressed.  I would eliminate birds and their powers.  Birds would still exist - they're tasty - but they would no longer have their  freaky mind control powers over me.   I would stop wasting precious hours of my life staring out a window and meowing ferociously for them to stop building their silly nests outside my house.  Do they listen?  No, they're rude and my owners won't let me go teach them a lesson.

Speaking of owners...my humans think I need to see this "pet doctor" who pokes me with sharp needles and cold thermometers and then wonders why I am angry.  This will stop immediately for I have lion and tiger blood (for real, not like Charlie Sheen) in my ancestry.  There are no doctors in the African wild; therefore, no more doctors or vets or sterile rooms for me.

These are things that I expect in this better life that I'm being promised.  They should be obvious, but I never know with humans.  They think they're helpful when really they baffle me.

Aside from these obvious things, below is how my purr-fect day (it does NOT get old) will play out:

6am: wake up, sing my lovely songs and am met with great praise instead of mean words from my humans and doors slamming in my face.  The vibrato of my voice will drive my owners to get up and feed me right away.  And no more of this organic dry food, but a real meal.  I'm thinking turkey.  Lots of turkey.

6:30am: Having stuffed myself on turkey, I go to my private litter box (no more sharing for me) and do some light exercise by playing with some of my favorite balls.

7am:  Gather my toy mice up for meeting on how things are in Dexter land.  I'm a firm, but kind ruler.

7:30am:  Curl up in the sun room and sleep.  No longer distracted by birds, it's a restful slumber.

Throughout most of day:  sleep, eat, play...sometimes torment my fellow cats just to remind them that I'm the best.

5:20pm:  Greet my human at the front door.  Not because I miss her so much as like to remind her that I exist and need food.   No longer will I have to endure silly cuddles at her whim just to endear myself to her in hopes of a special treat of wet food.  No, I automatically get my wet food.  I'm a huge fan of the Turkey & Cheese variety.  I love preservatives and protein!

5:30pm:  After eating quickly, I practice my ninja kitty moves by getting into things I'm not supposed to and amazing humans with my great jumping and balancing skills.  And they don't yell at me because it's my perfect day.

6pm:  I do a parameter check of my home.  Just because I'm a kind ruler doesn't mean I like other creatures on my property.  And i will find out where that dog barking is coming from and that dog will rue the day!

6:15pm:  I make the stupid Labrador across the street rue the day and remove its vocal chords.  It's not abuse because I'm a cat and the drooling idiot deserved it.

6:20pm:  It's time to nap.  This way I can be wide awake when humans want to sleep and ruin their night if I'm feeling so inclined.  Sometimes, I like them and will let them get their rest, but it's my day, and hey, I'm gonna enjoy it.

9pm:  Meow, meow, meow...I'm totally auditioning for American Idol next season.  Too bad I hate going in the car and most humans and I'm not exactly "heartthrob" material, but that Taylor Hicks guy won before, so I think I've got a chance.  Worse comes to worse, I show off my white belly.  It always gets me oohs and ahhs around the house.

11pm:  Oh hell, it's been a day.  I'm tired.  And my human is pretty good at rubbing my head just right.  I think I'm gonna turn in.

Sure, to some people it doesn't seem like this amazing day, but it's really all I need.  That's why my autobiography, Ruling in a Time of Turkey and Toys, is only two pages.  It's not long, but it's two important pages that prove cats are the most amazing species to ever exist.  And I guess in my perfect day, the rest of the world and its inhabitants (every creature!)  finally realize my...our perfection - like those Egyptians did back in the day.  We were revered properly.

it's another wishcast

It's Wishcasting Wednesday!  I'm a bit late to the game today as work was crazy and allergies continue to try to murder me...I'm trying to push past the discomfort, but sometimes, it's really hard.

To all wishcasters:  Like a few weeks ago, I'm going to attempt to check in with each of you tomorrow, but please know that I'm sending all my hope/good vibes/wishing mojo to you guys - as you wish for yourselves, so I truly wish for you also.

This week Jamie asks:

What is your money wish?

 courtesy of we heart it

For about the last four months, my sister and I have become hardcore couponers.  Not to the insane level of people on Extreme Couponing (I see no need to buy things that I will never use simply because I can), but it's addictive and great to see the costs of your groceries going down.  Also, I've reached out to various organic companies and they've sent me coupons, which makes my life a bit easier and food not quite so expensive.

Now I need to branch out.  The past few years I've been really good about spending on most frivolous things and I'm slowly curbing my grocery bills.  That leaves ordering out.  My problem is that I hate cooking.  It's only made worse after a long day at work and with the weather being so hot lately...it's a waste of money, usually not a healthy food choice, and the time it takes order/wait could make food.  For me, I need to make that leap and understand that part.  That while it might seem easier to order something, in that time, I could've cooked something small - cheap and healthier.

I wish to remember these things whenever I'm about to just shrug dinner off.  I also wish to see an increase in my salary in the near future.  Money is really tight and a little wiggle room would be wonderful.

Indie Ink Challenge: vengeance or justice or whatever

I had so much fun last week that I signed up for the Indie Ink Writing Challenges again.  This week I challenged Flaming NYX (whose response is here) and my challenge - Write about a time in your life when you were wronged and justice was not served (can be fiction or nonfiction) - came from Dafeenah.  This is a fictional character and her world that I've been slowly building as I try to figure out exactly what's going on with her and her story to tell.  Figured I could use it for this week's prompt.

---

I was awoken with a hard shove and my brother hovering over me as he grinned down at me and said, "Morning Cady."

"Oh my god.  Are you a farmer?" I groaned, throwing my blanket over my head.  

The hint was lost on Sean, who laughed as he pulled my blanket away and said, "It's nearly eight and you've got things to do."

"I'm not doing anything.  I'm going to curl up in a ball and wait for the humiliation of last night to pass."

"So, I'll see you again in ten years?"

I glared at him as I sat up and pulled my knees to my chest.  "Maybe if you'd let me-"

"-You know the rules, kiddo.  You don't use your abilities to harm innocent people."  Before I could protest and explain exactly how not innocent Lucian Devane was, my brother held up his hand and said, "Breakfast and then school work."

"You're on my list."

"Considering how long that list is after all these years, I'm not too worried," he said with a pat on the head.  Yeah, if he couldn't kick my ass in less time than it would take for me to even make a move, I would totally kill him.  

I stood up, stretched out, and pulled the shade of my room open.  The sunlight filtered into the room from the alley between my building and another and as I opened the window, glancing in both directions and looking for anyone suspicious wandering around on the streets, the city's familiar noises inundated me.  There was something comforting in the sounds of the city - I felt safe.  Well, as safe as someone like I could, considering the trendy thing as of late was attempts on my life.

I picked up my phone, deleted the texts from Lucian without looking, and made my way down the short hall to what passed for our kitchen, living room, and library.  I licked my lips as I inhaled the smell of bacon and hurried to the table.  My brother could be a hard ass about trying to maintain some semblance of normal in our life.  Usually, it drove me nuts.  We weren't normal - or I wasn't and he was guilty by association - and I saw no need to pretend.  It wasn't like I was going to live a long life with a husband and the two-point-five kiddies . 

But, even though I would swallow a bullet before admitting it, I looked forward to the fact that my brother and I usually ate at least one meal together.  We could be in the middle of a debacle of epic proportions, but we would find time to just sit, eat, and talk.  He told me it kept us from forgetting why we were doing all of this.  And while I rarely bought into the yay-world Kool-Aide, I liked spending a few quiet moments with my brother where the topic of discussion wasn't the end of the world or our impending demise.

I shoved a piece of bacon into my mouth, grimaced and nearly spit it out, "Is this fake bacon?"

"Tofurkey bacon strips."

"I used to love you," I said, plopping down into my chair dramatically.

"It's better for you."

"Dude, you woke me up after the worst night of my life--"

"--that's a bit of an exaggeration considering I've witnessed much worse."

I picked up another strip of vegetarian devil food and pointed it in my brother's direction.  I said, "That's different.  It doesn't count when you're not sure you'll survive the night - you let things slide."

"I thought it was sweet."

"That's because you're a sap."

"Cady, Lucian likes you.  There is nothing wrong with that."

"He sang a song to me in front of a crowded bar.  A really bad song.  A Barry Manilow song."

"You inspire greatness," Sean replied with a laugh.

I glared at him and said, "Maybe if we were like, fifty, that might be sweet, but I'm seventeen.  I don't want a guy to serenade me with an easy listening, cheesy ballad and definitely not in a room full of people.   I have a reputation to uphold."

"A legend in your own mind."

"Seriously, you are on my list."

Sean  shook his head and stared at me until I met his gaze before he replied, "I know you don't trust people easily and with good reason, but Lucian seems harmless and it might be good for you to socialize with someone your own age."

"He wears pleather pants and furry coats.  If that's not a sign of evil, I don't know what is."

"Do yourself a favor.  Let this go and put the guy out of his misery.  He looked devastated when you ignored him for the remainder of the evening."

"That could've been solved if you let me punch him in the face."

"No."

"Maybe a one-way ticket to ancient Roman times?"

"You don't use..."

"...use my abilities on the innocent, blah, blah, blah.  I maintain that Lucian is not innocent.  He offended me."

"Cady."

"Go ahead and tell me that I'm ridiculous, but you weren't the one who had a billion eyes fixated on her as some dooface in bedazzled sunglasses sang her 'Can't Smile Without You.'  It wasn't even in tune."

My brother dropped his napkin on the table, folded his arms, and gave me the look that said I was being a brat and needed to shape up.  Looks like that never boded well, usually ending with me in the gym for hours on end as he grilled me on my fighting moves.  "What the hell are we doing all this for if you're never gonna let yourself have a life?"

"Not this again.  I don't have enough caffeine in my system for this talk.  I didn't know you were so Team Lucian."

"I don't give a crap about Lucian.  This is about you and how you create situations where nothing pleases you and no one can get in.  It's your way of protecting yourself, and I get it, but I don't like it."

I rolled my eyes and huffed hard enough to blow the bangs up on my forehead.  "I want justice."

"For bad karaoke?"

"My life in general, but I guess Lucian's sad attempts at singing are a good place to start.  You know I can't go back in there, right?  Like ever again?"

"Too bad you work there."

"Clyde will never let me hear the end of this."

Sean stood up and kissed the top of my head.  "You'll survive.  You always do."

"Can I at least egg Lucian's car?"

"No."

"Spit in his drinks?"

"Gross."

"Make him watch a day's worth of MTV reality TV shows?"

Sean laughed.  "Sure.  Vengeance will be yours."

"Okay then.  I guess I can muster up the good will to forgive Lucian.  I'll text him later and as long as there is no more singing, I'll tolerate his existence."

"That's very magnanimous of you.  Now finish up your breakfast and try to stay out of trouble while I work today."

I nodded and watched my brother gather his wallet and coat and head to the door.  He did a quick sweep of the hallway before turning back to me and motioning to the locks, like I didn't know the drill after all these years.  I nodded again, otherwise we'd be there all day, and he shot me a quick wave before shutting the door behind him. 

I grabbed another piece of not-quite-bacon and walked the short distance to lock up the door, my mind wandering to thoughts of Lucian, his insane wardrobe and bad singing.  I wanted to hate him for it.   A part of me did - I was not a girl who liked to stand out in a crowd - but this sick girly part of me was almost fond of him for his inane bravery.  It wasn't every guy that was willing to humiliate himself for a girl he barely knew.  

He was still going to pay.  

And it gave me an excuse to watch the 16 and Pregnant marathon without having to worry about my own broken psyche.  Win-win, really.

Wishcasting on health

My day began with a root canal.  Never the way one wants to begin the day, but at least the pain in my tooth is gone (one hopes - mouth is still numb so jury is out).  It's a lovely day, I'm in a good space with my writing this week, and the temporary assistant I trained last week is doing a great job, which takes some burden off me.

The best?  It's wishcasting wednesday.  If you're unfamiliar, it's "...a safe haven for wishes, a fertile field in which to plant wish seeds and have them witnessed and tended lovingly. It’s a place where magic begins."

This week Jamie asks us:

What do you wish for your health?

courtesy of we heart it

I don't think this one is any surprise to anyone who reads my journal.  It's my ongoing journey/battle/whatever-you-call-it with my weight and getting to a place where I'm healthy and happy.  I wish to lose weight, get in shape, and take the steps I need to in order to insure my health as best as I can.  I have two parents who died fairly young - my father died of cancer when I was little and my mother had a heart attack two years ago.  So far, I've lost 75lbs, removed soda from my diet for 91 days (and counting!  I almost succumbed this weekend, but decided the feeling of not having it was worth more than the craving), and have been slowly getting back on track with tracking my calories.

What I need to do now is step it up and add exercise back into my routine.  It's about restructuring my time and priorities.  I really want this, but I've realized that I have to put the work in for it to actually pay off.  That means, setting aside an hour at least four days a week for working out.  It's worth it.  I just have to get myself motivated.

I wish to find the motivation to push me forward on my continued journey to lose weight and get healthy.  I want to remember to reward the small steps in the right direction (which is why I know exactly how many days I've avoided any soda!) and not be so hard on myself when I fall down.  I need to believe that I can do it and that I deserve to do it.  I wish for my mind to catch up with what my body wants from me.



Happy Wishcasting

It's Wishcasting Wednesday.  It's been a crazy day - work has gotten insane within one week - and I'm exhausted, but I wanted to make sure to do my weekly wishcasting.  I'll state ahead of time to all my fellow wishcasters:  as you wish for yourself, so I truly wish for you also.  I'll try to read each post individually, but it probably won't be until tomorrow - just an extra day of good vibes coming your way.

Today Jamie asks:

What dreams are you wishing for?

I'm wishing to find time to write more.  To stop feeling guilty when I choose time alone to write over hanging out with people - my friends and family understand, but I still feel like I'm being horrible if I want to write.  I want to stop censoring myself before I even begin out of fear of it not being good enough.  I wish to simply free myself to write, whatever comes to mind, simply let it flow and make the time for it.

Is This How the World Ends?

This is my first week participating in the Indie Ink Writing Challenges.  I challenged Wendryn and my challenge - the day you became unable to read or write - came from Katri.  The prompt was hard and interesting at the same time and it forced me to go outside my comfort zone. 

---

Nothing like this had ever happened before, at least not in any history that had been recorded. Maybe eons ago, a tribe of people woke up and their drawings on cave walls looked like gibberish, but as far as the world was concerned, this anomaly was never-seen-before-obviously-the-end-of-times-or-probably-just-dumb-luck. It wasn’t every day that the collective human race woke up one morning unable to read or write. Didn’t matter the language or your how smart you were – reading and writing was like advanced Physics for a liberal arts major.


“They’re saying it’s got to be a solar flare and everything should be fine in forty-eight hours,” one friend offered.

“I heard it’s permanent,” another said.

“Do you think we’ll forget how to talk next?” someone asked.

No one had a clue what was happening. The world was suddenly thrown into the type of chaos that was never accounted for in those History Channel apocalypse specials. It seemed that our teachers were right all those years they harped on us about learning how to read and write – it was important. After all, if you couldn’t read that “dead end” sign as you barreled down the road, you were screwed.

I flipped through the various television stations, intermittently stopping on the latest “breaking news” broadcast regarding “the Illiteracy Plague” running amuck around the world. It seemed the general consensus at the moment was that no one had any idea what was happening. Scientists couldn’t figure out a reason why an entire species would randomly wake up like this and they offered up hypotheses that ranged from massive-spread strokes to alien weapon. I couldn’t really blame them for the ridiculous. None of this made sense.

Last night I had been able to read. Last night, I had written in my journal before turning off the light and going to sleep. Routine acts that I took for granted until this morning when I couldn’t do either of those things. I tried. I ignored what my roommate told me and the news was broadcasting. I thought that I would be different. I was always the class bookworm and, after years of being used as derogatory term, it made me special.  It meant that I was immune.

Except I wasn't.  I was yet another victim of the Illiteracy Plague.  I opened one of my favorite books and while I remembered the sentences, the words were unfamiliar. I couldn’t pick out words or sound them out and the pages jumbled together in a big mess of ink. I tried to write down a thought as it flittered through my head, but as much as I tried, a wall had gone up in my brain that I couldn’t get around. I knew what I wanted to say, remembered being able to do it, but had no idea how to get it back. I wanted my abilities back. I wondered if this was how some people lived every day and felt guilty for the assumptions I made about these people I didn’t know. I panicked and tried to bargain with God – just let me be able to read again and I’ll go to church every week. I became angry that no one seemed to know why this was happening or for how long and then it faded away to a dull sort of indifference.

I stared at the bookcases lining the walls and pictured never being able to read the words again or to get lost in imaginary worlds and cheer on fictional characters. It probably wouldn’t be the end of the world – despite how much we whine, we’re a pretty tough species – and humans would adapt, but things would always feel inadequate. I clung to the hope that it was temporary as some people were suggesting as I made mental lists of how much would change. How would I do my job? How would things get done? How would I learn new things? How, how, how?

This new world, temporary or not, was foreign and terrifying. I grieved for the comfort of what I knew as I turned the television off and shut my eyes. It will be okay. Everything will be okay. Life will be okay.

Except I wasn’t sure I believed that. Not yet, anyway.

time for another wishcast...

This morning I found out that my co-worker has to go out immediately on bed rest for the remainder of her pregnancy so the temporary assistant game begins sooner than expected (she wasn't planning to come back after she has her baby).  I'll miss her at the office, but as I told her this morning when I talked to her, the most important thing is her and her baby and not to even worry about this place.

I'm mentally preparing myself for the game of hope-they-like-this-one-maybe-hire-that-one that goes on.  I've been through this twice before and it always takes my boss about a year (yes, a flipping year) to hire someone and it's not fair to me or the new hire (as I'm so drained by the time the person is hired, I'm not able to train her/him as well as I should).  Here's to hoping for a quick turnaround. 

Bright side:  it's wishcasting wednesday and I get to share my dreams and wishes with all of my lovelies!

Today Jamie asks:

What do you wish to take a stand for?

courtesy of We Heart It

I feel like it's horribly self-involved to immediately think of myself.   I already stand up for causes I hold dear - women's issues, environment, gay rights - and try to stay involved as much as possible.  that is a part of how I was raised.  Civics and standing up for what you believe and doing something about it have been ingrained in me since I was little.  Championing causes and volunteering and trying to better my community and world were things both my parents did and I followed their examples.  I'm sure there is always room for improvement on my part - volunteer more!  live a greener life! - but I think I've got this area of things going well.

Taking a stand for myself?  Doing things that will make me better?  Removing people from my life that our toxic?  I'm not good at standing up for myself.  Instead, it's like I wear a neon flashing sign "doormat!"  I wish to work on that.  I wish to stand up to my own inner gremlin voices that tell me I don't deserve good things or all the ways I'm horrible.  I wish to stand up to people who treat me poorly as I don't deserve it.  I wish to stop avoiding doing things that could move me to a better future and version of me because of hurtful words from other people and some silly notion that it's selfish.

After all, how can I help make the world a better place when I'm living in a pit of despair of my own making?

(I'll be making the rounds and try to get to as many blogs as possible today, but just know:  as you wish for yourselves, so I truly wish for all of you!)

celebrations and new goals...

I have not had a drop of soda in seventy-six days.  76!  That's huge for me.  I had such a terrible addiction to Coke and Cherry 7-Up.  It was insane and unhealthy and there was no real reason for it because I'm one of those people who actually likes water.  But I'm like a  junkie in need of a fix with soda - moderation doesn't work.  I had managed to give up soda for six months at one point, until one day I thought, "it's been long enough, a small diet coke won't hurt me."  It was like a deluge opened and I would have excuse after excuse for not stopping again.  It's a weird addiction to have, but I'm learning that the reasons I want soda are muddled in a mess of things and it's best to avoid it if I can. 

76 days!

I want to take this victory and use it to go into other areas of my life.  It's all about small steps, making small changes, and it's also all about making sure I'm proud of my accomplishments. 

---

In other news, I am using the WordPress journal I set up awhile ago to join in on a writing adventure with a great group.  It's the Serpentine Road and I know it will be great for unleashing my creativity.  I'm so focused on numbers lately that it's causing me to freeze up.  And it makes me dread writing - I hate feeling like that.  I'm also hoping to do more random writing in this blog as well.  I'm not sure where my block is coming from - life, fear, me - but I'm ready to plow through it.

knowledge is power

Happy Wishcasting Wednesday!  It's been a busy week and I had a tough therapy session last week (I know this is good in the long run, but I walk out just exhausted in every way).

This week Jamie asks:

What do you wish to know?

courtesy of we heart it

I wish to know myself better.  The past few years have been a journey filled with ups and downs and random zig-zags.  I've felt victorious and strong and a few minutes later completely annhilated.  I've started the process of getting to know myself with therapy, something I probably should have done long ago, but didn't know how to go about while my mother was alive.  My family was Irish Catholic, filled with drinking and repressing pain away, definitely not talking about it.  And happiness?  Well, if you were lucky, but not guaranteed without a lot of suffering. 

Of course, the emotions and questions never went away, just festered...and I'm full of old memories and bad feelings and emotions I was never brave enough, or capable of dealing with before the past few years.

I've learned a lot about myself already.  I've begun to realize that I was the child in a situation without a parent who was rational or capable of being what I needed.  Now, I just want to get to know this person that other people seem to think I am - someone who is smart, funny, and kind.  I never see that in myself.  I want to be able to truly know what I'm feeling and why I'm making the choices I am...I want to stop sabotaging myself out of fear of knowing who I am.

You must focus...

Happy Wishcasting Wednesday, everyone!  i have therapy in a hour during a late lunch and I'm really not in the mood for introspection and dealing with feelings.  Here's to hoping the weekly wishcast will help put me in a better mindset.

This week Jamie asks:

What do you wish to focus on?

courtesy of we heart it

As soon as I read the question, my mind immediately went into overdrive.  There is so much that I want to accomplish, so much that I've put off, so many things on a to-do list that never seems to end no matter how much I cross off...

::takes a deep, calming breath::

I think that's part of my problem.  Rather than focusing on one particular project or area, I try to take everything on at once.  And because I'm human and not SuperGirl, I end up frazzled and feeling like a failure, when one of the many balls I'm juggling falls to the ground.  Logically, I know that it's ridiculous to be upset about it, but my brain rarely works on logic. 

This week I wish to focus on the quiet in moments.  I wish to take some time to focus my energy onto myself and what's most important to me right now.  I wish to journal and learn and concentrate on conquering one thing at a time  I wish to focus on me and not worry so much about the outside world and what they want or I think they want.

there are things that need tending to...

It's Wishcasting Wednesday.  As Jamie puts it, "Make a Wish: Dare to dream. Every Wednesday here at Jamie Ridler Studios, there will be a wish prompt to inspire you, but you can always wish for whatever you like, whenever you like. If you’d like to share your wish on your blog or website, there will be a space here for you to share your link so that others can visit and help tend your wish."

Today she asks:

What do you wish to tend?

I wish to tend to my health, losing weight and getting fit.  I wish to tend to the emotions that arise, especially those that invoke a sense of failure and not good enough, as I continue on this journey.  I'm an emotional eater.  I eat out of sadness, stress, boredom, whatever...I might not be hungry, but still I eat.  I try to hide it because I'm ashamed and can't figure out what's wrong with me - why do I constantly do this - but that only makes it worse.  I've taken a good first step in tracking everything that goes into my mouth again.  It's definitely helping me to notice patterns.  Night is the worse time for me.  If I don't have a dinner planned, it all goes to hell.  I do better when I get my workout in early, as I feel more confident and more determined to not have a "wasted" session. 

Take yesterday, for example.  I did good throughout the day.  I had a surplus of calories going into dinner.  But I had not planned for dinner and we ended up eating McDonalds.  I didn't go over my calories by much and I don't want to beat myself up over it, but I want to learn from this.  No plan in place = me grabbing something quick and unhealthy.  I wish to tend to this by taking some time on Sunday to plan out meals and put everything in place that I need. 

I wish to tend to these fears that continue to sprout up in me, the little demon voice that tells me: you don't deserve this, you don't really want this, why not save yourself the inevitable let down? 

I'm starting to realize that there doesn't have to be an inevitable let down and that's such a horrible place to live my life from.  I need to remind myself that I'm a survivor of so many things and that whatever I did in the past to get by doesn't have to be the total sum of my life.  I'm allowed to be happy and laugh and live a long time even though neither of my parents did.  I'm allowed to find something I love in life.  I'm allowed to feel comfortable in my own skin.

And for me, that all begins with tending to my health and weight.  Such a simple thing for some, but for me, a huge step.  I'm ready though, even if the demon voice in my head isn't.

Calorie tracking and mean allergies...

Allergy season is officially upon us here in South Jersey and it's killing me.  I realize the importance of plants and pollination.  I truly appreciate being able to breathe, but must it torment me so?  I wanted to stay curled up in bed this morning as my head and eyes hurt, but I forced myself up and to work.  I'm sitting here rather sleepy and bleh, unable to focus, and wondering if I made the right decision.  It's such a weird dynamic for me.  On the one hand, I don't want to use sick time on allergies, but on the other hand, I feel like I'm accomplishing nothing at the office. 

I'm on day nine of my healthy living journey (yes, diet, I know, but I do hate that word) and there have been a few rough patches, but overall, I'm doing okay.  I only had one day where I was over calories and I still forced myself to track the food I ate so that I could try to learn from it.  Or, at the very least, see in cold hard numbers exactly what those three slices of pizza cost me nutritionally so that in the future, I can go into a situation aware. 

I haven't been doing the exercise part much yet.  One day last week.  Better than no days, but this won't work if I don't get moving.  I'm currently in the hiding-behind-no-time excuse, which is just that.  The thing is, I hate exercise.  Even when I was in a routine of doing it five times a week and getting fitter with each passing day, I never liked working out.  I saw it as one of those things I had to do.   Like work, but for my body.  I did like losing the weight and noticing that I could go for longer bouts of time at certain things, but the whole act of exercising is me getting from point A to point B.  I've accepted that I'm never going to be the girl who loves the gym and I'm not going to lie and pretend it's an enjoyable hour of my day, but it's an important one.  I need to focus on that more - it's important for my health and what I want to accomplish.

I once again, hit day six on #7daychip and had a bad day.  It wasn't as bad as some of my eating days in the past, but there is something about getting so close to a goal regarding my health that makes me sabotage myself.  There is this part of me that doesn't want to succeed, that doesn't think I deserve it, and that small part can take over so very easily.  I continue to work on being conscious of my eating decisions, but sometimes, I am conscious of it and still make the wrong choice.  I want to get control of this. 

Maybe it's as simple as starting with forgiving myself for slip-ups that do occur and moving on.  No looking back at how I messed up and I'm such a failure and my life is meant to be this way.  If I can start there, maybe whatever part of me gets off on failure and feeling terrible, will be silenced when I don't feed into it.

I don't know, really.  I'm talking out of my ass here.  All I do know is that something has to change.  I need to understand these patterns better if I'm going to avoid them in the future.

Victory:  Day 55 with no soda.  There have been a few moments where I almost gave in and had "just one" but stopped myself.  I really am proud of this and it often serves as a reminder that I can do whatever I put my mind to.

Mini Goal for Day:  Get all my waters in!

Mini Goal for Week:  Exercise two times.

7DayChip, I'm coming for you this week.  You will be mine!

Wishcasting Wednesday: Reading

Today Jamie asks:

What do you wish to read?

courtesy of We Heart It

I'm always reading.  It's one of my favorite things to do in the world.  It's one of the things I'm so grateful to both my parents for - the love of the written word and getting caught up in stories and lives that are not my own.  When I graduated from my Catholic School in eighth grade, I was named "Class Bookworm" and it was very fitting.  I've always felt more comfortable with my nose stuck in a book than almost anywhere else in the world, and it continues to surprise me when people tell me that they don't read.  What?  How is that possible? 

This week's question from Jamie automatically made me think of all the books on my to-read list, all the books I want to get too, but like laundry and dishes, as soon as you get through one pile, there is a whole new pile that's appeared.  Except books are much more fun than laundry or dishes.  And I like to read, whereas I'll put off the other two for as long as possible. 

However, when I thought about the question a little more, I realized, for me, this question has nothing to do with books at all.  I wish to be able to read myself better.  I want to be able to glance at myself in the mirror and see the person I am and the person I'm becoming.  I want to be able to know myself the way I know certain books like Pride and Prejudice and The Outsiders - by memory, so certain of what is in front of me without any doubts, with great affection.  I want to be able to read the words that I write on the page or in my blog and gain some perspective and better understanding of who I really am, rather than who I perceive myself to be (which is always a menacing, horrible person who deserves nothing). 

I wish to be able to read myself and know myself like the back of my hand, so that I can use those skills to learn to read other people better.  Because when you don't know yourself, don't care very much for yourself, you let a lot of negativity into your life.  You let a lot of people take advantage of you and make you feel bad because you want to be liked and, when you're honest with yourself, you think it's what you deserve.  I want to be able to spot these people for the soul-suckers they can be and learn to walk away.

It's funny.  I thought this would be such a simple question, but as usual, this prompt has taken me somewhere unexpected it.  I'm grateful for that.

I wish there was a pizza patch

I wish there was a pizza patch, sorta like a nicotine one, that gave you the pleasure of a great tasting pizza without any of the calories or fat.  If someone could invent that, they would make bank. 

I'm on day three of my journey to health.  Day one was fairly easy.  Day ones are always fairly easy - I'm full of energy and hope and the I-can-do-it mantra - once I commit to it.  Beginning day one is hard. I'm always tempted to say, "well, I should enjoy this one last time and start tomorrow" as though I'm promised an infinite number of tommorrows.  As though today doesn't matter.  But once I've started and committed to do it (and as I said in the last post, it really does have to just be a spontaneous thing for me as it keeps me from going down the line of beginning sabotage), day one is usually a high point for me.  I feel good about what I'm doing for myself. 

Day two is much harder, especially when you're so accustomed to using food as a part of your support system.  Yesterday, I got hit with some further money issues, which pumped my anxiety into high gear and as soon as I got home from work, after a majority of the day of eating so well, I grabbed my bag of Tortilla chips and headed to my room.  Somehow, I managed a moment of clarity of sorts before I did something that would just end up making me feel worse in the end.  I poured out one serving and put the bag away.  I gave myself the satisfaction I seemed to need (which is something that I need to work on and I am), but didn't tailspin out of control and instead just thought about why I was eating.  Was I hungry? A little, but I was pre-heating the oven for dinner.  Was this because I was upset?  Yeah.  A lot.   Would eating this bag of chips really make me feel better?  No...well, maybe for the time it takes to eat it, but then I'll feel sick, ashamed and angry with myself. 

It was a huge moment for me and I'm happy to report that I came in under my calorie limit for the day, even with the serving of Tortilla chips.  There is nothing wrong with eating a serving Tortilla chips from Whole Foods, but there is an issue with eating it because I'm feeling bad.  I need to be conscious of my food choices and start asking myself before I eat anything, "Am I doing this because I'm hungry?" At least until I can get into a better habit of understanding my self-destructive tendencies. 

It also made me aware that I need to find new, healthier things to reach for when I'm having these moments of anxiety and fear and anger. 
I am proud that I've made it through two days and am on my way through day three with the calories.   My goal for today is to add in some cardio and not let excuses or random things keep me from 30 minutes for myself.

it's a new dawn, it's a new day...

If one were to put an official starting over day on changing her diet and lack of exercise, I guess today would be that day for me.  Per my usual, I just woke up and decided today was the day.  It tends to work for me in the long run best (after all, it's how I managed to get started on breaking my soda habit - just waking up and doing it), but I'm more than a little freaked out.

My mind tends to run in the most negative manner.  It likes to point out how I've yet to last longterm and I always hit a wall of my own making and what's the point.  But I'm so sick of listening to that voice.  I want to do this.  I want to take this step and make these changes so that I can be one step closer on my life journey of happiness and living a good life.

I'm in the middle of the wonderful Blossom From the Heart E-Course by Sara Blackthorne and in the middle of writing on one of the prompts in my journal, I had this sad, but important epiphany.  Even before I was ever, by any health guidelines, considered "fat," I have lived my life with that as a defining factor.  I both hate being fat and fear letting go of it.  Because then I'm standing there, vulnerable to the world, no excuses in my way to keep me from living life, and when I fail (as we all do), I'll have to own it.  I couldn't hide behind the idea that I didn't get the job because I was fat or this friendship didn't work out because I was fat.  In this warped way, I've made being heavy into a protective shield of sorts.  Except it's not really.

I thought about creating a separate journaling place for just tracking my journey to get healthy and lose weight, but that really defeats why I created this blog in the first place.  This blog is about me, learning who I am in all the various forms - creativity, reading, getting healthy, whatever comes up as I go.  So if you read (and I love & appreciate the encouragement) my blog and this isn't up your alley, just skim right on by, but I feel like I need to do this.  I do better when I document my journey, when I explore the things behind my decisions so I can learn from them.  I set up a MyFitnessPal account for tracking calories, food, and exercise, but I also want a place to really delve into the emotional side for me.

I'm off to a good start for the day and using MyFitnessPal is showing me not only calories, but how many grams of carbs and protein I'm getting in and how much I should be.  Hardly surprising is that I get in more carbs than protein, but what is astounding is just how many grams of protein I'm lacking.  I must work on that.  Tonight, after my food shopping and walk, I think I'll be looking for some good protein-heavy recipes that aren't too hard to cook. 

Goals for this week:  track what I eat (good/bad), get moving, and not judge myself too harshly

Reviews: Beastly and the Lonely Hearts Club

I've read a few more books toward the YA Challenge for 2011.

Book 5/12

Title: Beastly by Alex Finn

Summary:  I am a beast.

A beast!

Not quite wolf or bear, gorilla or dog but a horrible new creature who walks upright. I am a monster.

You think I'm talking fairy tales? No way. The place is New York City. The time is now. It's no deformity, no disease. And I'll, stay this way forever ruined unless I can break the spell.

Yes, the spell, the one the witch in my English class cast on me. Why did she turn me into a beast who hides by day and prowls by night? I'll tell you. I'll tell you how I used to be Kyle Kingsbury, the guy you wished you were, with money, perfect looks, and the perfect life. And then, I'll tell you how I became perfectly...beastly.

My Review:  It was okay is really all I can think to say about this book. I like the idea of going inside the Beast's (Kyle/Adrian) head and seeing the journey he's on. But it all felt slightly off. I can't really explain it, but I didn't feel like I was with the character as he went through the loss of his identity (evil as it was), the sullen and lonely times, and learning to be better. And everything with Lindy just seemed too easy. I do realize it's based on a fairy tale, but still.

It wasn't bad and it might be amazing for some readers, there was just something that left me feeling disconnected and not really caring about how things turned out for the characters.

Overall:  2 stars

---

Book 6/12

Title: The Lonely Hearts Club by Elizabeth Eulberg

Summary:  Love is all you need...or is it? Penny's about to find out in this wonderful debut.

Penny is sick of boys and sick of dating. So she vows - no more. It's a personal choice...and, of course, soon everyone wants to know about it. And a few other girls are inspired. A movement is born; The Lonely Hearts Club (named after the band from Sgt. Pepper). Penny is suddenly known for her nondating ways...which is too bad, because there's this certain boy she can't help but like...

My Review:  This was a cute quick read. I loved the use of the Beatles lyrics and the way the book was sectioned off based on various Beatles songs - so fitting for the character. I think Penny Lane Bloom is a great character and I love her journey to figure out who she is as a person all brought on from heartache and the formation of a club that takes off. I really love that by the end she, with help from her friends, realizes that it's all about balance. I wish I was that smart when I was sixteen.

Quick, fun read. No surprises, no big plot, mostly just an interesting journey for an interesting character. My favorite kind of book when done right.

Overall:  4 stars

Writer's Workshop: If you really knew me...

courtesy of we heart it

3.) If you really knew me, you would know that…

If you really knew me, you would know that I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m the girl fumbling around in the dark, trying to find the light switch or even a familiar piece of furniture to rest against and get my bearings. I can sometimes almost fool myself into believing I have some modicum of a reason behind the inner workings of my mind and where my passions truly lie. I can tell you, like a girl who is interviewing for a job, that I’m smart and detail-oriented and strive for perfection and that those same things tend to get in my own way all the time. I can offer up the standard, “work in progress” answer I use whenever I join a site and it requests a bio, but that's about it.

If you really knew me, you would know that my favorite words to use about myself are “work in progress” because I don’t know how else to define this journey. It’s a cop-out. I own it. Aren’t we all that very thing? How does that show how unique I am? How does it even explain anything about me?

If you really knew me, you would know that my friends have a very different view of who I am than I do. I don’t know whose is more accurate or not, but I’m betting theirs is nicer. My friends might say that I’m loyal and funny because I want so much for people to always know that I care about them. I never felt it growing up – always feeling lost and off-to-the-side and alone – and I wasn’t a very good friend to people when I was younger. I wanted so much to be liked that I didn’t know how to be there for people. I’m funny because, well, I’m from an Irish Catholic family that repressed everything. I handled losing my father with humor because crying was wrong – even at eleven years old, I knew that. I handled feelings of worthlessness with a quick joke at my own expense because it doesn’t count if I’m laughing at myself and it proved you couldn’t hurt me. Except you really could and I just set myself up for a lifetime of negative thoughts firing out of my synapses.

If you really knew me, you would know that I really hate and love my mother fiercely. I’ve missed her so much since she passed away two years ago and yet I’m so relieved she’s not my problem anymore. I used to curse my father, wherever he might’ve gone after he died, because not only did he leave me with her, but her whole survival seemed dependent on me. And yeah, even if you really didn’t know me, you would know that the dynamic wasn’t healthy and probably not my fault, but I wouldn’t listen to you about such things.

If you really knew me, you would know that I try to give off a “whatever” or laissez faire attitude about things, but I over-analyze and fret and run around like Chicken Little, “the world’s gonna end! The world’s gonna end!” I take everything to heart. Things stay with me forever and I hate and hate and hate.

I guess that’s another thing you can know about me – I’m not very forgiving. I hold onto everything. It’s filed away on an index-card-like brain cell, fermenting and growing, and you might never even know that you hurt me, but oh the wrath I will feel and the justice I will dispel in my own imagination.

Mostly, if you really knew me, you would know how uncomfortable I am in my own skin. I put a lot of focus on my weight. It’s been ingrained in me for as long as I can remember and it’s a huge part of how I identify myself. But even beyond the weight, I never feel right. Never good enough or funny enough or smart enough - I’m never enough.

It’s a horrible way to live.

So I'm right back whre I started because I really don't know myself. There is this amazing person inside me, fighting to get out and be heard and share her lessons with the world, but she is stuck in the quicksand of “not good enough.” It’s not so much that I’m fumbling around in the dark trying to find the lights, but that I’m too afraid to turn them on and truly see.

In the end, if you really knew me, you would have a one-up on me.

Review: The Wave: In Pursuit of the Rogues, Freaks, and Giants of the Ocean

I read this back at the beginning of March, but forgot to post the review of it for Lazy Girl Read's mini-challenge.

book 4/4 - something new (brand new from Borders!)

Title:  The Wave: In Pursuit of the Rogues, Freaks, and Giants of the Ocean by Susan Casey

Summary:  For centuries, mariners have spun tales of gargantuan waves, 100-feet high or taller. Until recently scientists dis­missed these stories—waves that high would seem to violate the laws of physics. But in the past few decades, as a startling number of ships vanished and new evidence has emerged, oceanographers realized something scary was brewing in the planet’s waters. They found their proof in February 2000, when a British research vessel was trapped in a vortex of impossibly mammoth waves in the North Sea—including several that approached 100 feet.

As scientists scramble to understand this phenomenon, others view the giant waves as the ultimate challenge. These are extreme surfers who fly around the world trying to ride the ocean’s most destructive monsters. The pioneer of extreme surfing is the legendary Laird Hamilton, who, with a group of friends in Hawaii, figured out how to board suicidally large waves of 70 and 80 feet. Casey follows this unique tribe of peo­ple as they seek to conquer the holy grail of their sport, a 100­foot wave.

In this mesmerizing account, the exploits of Hamilton and his fellow surfers are juxtaposed against scientists’ urgent efforts to understand the destructive powers of waves—from the tsunami that wiped out 250,000 people in the Pacific in 2004 to the 1,740-foot-wave that recently leveled part of the Alaskan coast.

My Review:  It feels slightly odd talking about this book after everything that happened yesterday in Japan, but I think it only makes it that much more of a read that people should seek out. I loved the narrative Susan Casey set up. She switches from her experiences with the big-waves surfers (who I admire and yet think are insane) and their relationships with the water between various science-related situations. The book was so gripping and fascinating. I thought I would like it, but I didn't expect to love it and have trouble putting it down. I think the decision to intermingle the stories of Laird Hamilton and the other surfers chasing the waves intermingled throughout the book kept it from feeling like i was bombarded with all science and catastrophe.

I had always respected the ocean, but I think this book makes me appreciate it all the more.

Overall:  5 stars

I can be bold and dream big

My note from the universe today is so appropriate: 

Your secret blessing, Mare, is that no matter where you go in time and space, you only ever have to be yourself - as courageous, vulnerable, bold, or afraid as you may feel - to find yourself amongst friends.
So loved,


The Universe
 
It was a good way to start the day and a good thing to be reminded of.  And it's also wishcasting wednesday, which always provides me with a chance to explore my journey.  I hated that I missed last week - evil back trouble and a root canal left me wanting nothing to do with the computer - but I've been doing better with my regular journaling again.  I tend to go through peaks and valleys with my journaling these days.
 
This week Jamie asks:
 

What do you wish to transform?

 
 

courtesy of We Heart It

The immediate answer is my life.  I wish to transform my life.  And while that is a good thing, it's part of my ongoing problem with change.  I don't know how to appreciate small transformations and wish to blink my eyes and POOF, everything is as I dream it to be.  I overlook the hard work and emotional growth and investment necessary to make great transformations occur. 

I have been off all types of soda for 42 days now.  Considering how much of a soda fiend I was, this is a huge victory for me.  Do I allow myself to celebrate it or do I focus on all the things that I haven't conquered in those same 42 days?  I need to think about my life differently and appreciate all the changes I've made so far so that I can move forward and reach that next step.

Right now, I want to transform my health.  I had done so well when I was on Weight Watchers, dropped 75lbs, and hit a wall when money got tight.  It was all emotional, all self-sabotage, and I'm slowly understanding those triggers.  For me now, it's about starting over, to stop waiting for the perpetual Monday to come and just do it.

I wish to make the conscious decision to eat better and move more.  If I stray, I want to understand why I'm doing that - do I simply want a piece of pizza or am I getting in my own way.  I wish to be all those things my note from the universe says I am - bold, courageous, vulnerable.