It's bound to be a better ride than what you've got planned...

It's Wednesday.  I am still battling illness of doom, but at least it's no longer bronchitis.  It's now a bad sinus infection - I'm not sure why that's better, but my doctor seemed to think it was progress.  Unfortunately the hacking cough and grossness still hasn't gone away.  And this is why, when co-workers come in all sickly in the future, I will wear a mask like I'm a commuter in Japan or something.

My note from the universe today was something I could do with remembering more often:

It may seem a bit backwards for some, Mare, but the first step on might take towards rearranging the present circumstances of their life is to stop dwelling upon the present circumstances of their life.


But for you it's probably a no-brainer.


The Universe

I wish I could say it was a no-brainer, but I do tend to get bogged down by what's going on in the minute.  I also tend to then take that and freak out about possible horrible futures.  It's a strange thing.  I'm actually a pretty optimistic gal, but when it comes to myself, my own well being and my own successes/failures, I can be a horrible pessimist.  I continue to work on that.

---

One of the great things about Wednesday, aside from the work week being halfway through, is that it's wishcasting Wednesday.  Today Jamie asks:

How do you wish to spend your time?

courtesy of we heart it

"Oh!  Do not attack me with your watch.  A watch is always too fast or too slow.  I cannot be dictated to by a watch." - Mansfield Park by Jane Austen

I have this nasty habit of making strange deadlines in my own head of where I should be with my life and start to get angry with myself because I'm not there.  It's not productive and usually leads to me wallowing about wondering why I'm bothering - as though thirty-six is so old and beyond accomplishing great things.  It's bizarre and negative and wrong.  I view time as my enemy and it's not.

I wish to spend my time without worry about what should be and focus on what I want and accomplishing it, without fear and hesitation and getting caught up in the too late mantra.

I wish to spend my time exploring myself and the world through those eyes, embracing creativity and spirituality and all those other great -ity words.

I wish to laugh and cry and face my fears with courage.

I wish to remember that each second counts and it's no use to me to spend those precious moments caught up in games of "what if" and "i suck" and "bah! humbug!"

What do you wish for?

a wish for the world

Turns out I had bronchitis last week.  I'm starting to feel better, though it seems to have moved from my chest to rest in my sinuses and I can currently barely hear.  Dear ears, please drain out.  Love, Me.

It's Wednesday, only two days left to the work week before a long weekend, I'm starting to feel better and I had a good therapy session today.  i can't complain too much.  

And to top it off, it's wishcasting wednesday.  Today Jamie asks:

What do you wish for the world?

courtesy of we heart it

"Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity." - Martin Luther King Jr.

This is a very fitting question given what is going on in the world at the moment.  Syrian citizens are being killed and attacked by their own government.  Israel and Iran are on the verge of war and bombing.  And here in my area, last week, a guy pulled his two little boys into the house with him and set it on fire, killing them all.  The world can be a very scary place.  I wish, just for a moment, that everyone could step back and try to see things from another's point of view.  It can be hard and scary (lordy knows I have issues with it).  I wish that peace could prevail over greed and power.  I wish that people would actually stand up and say, "I see what is going on and I won't tolerate it" instead of thinking there is nothing they can do and/or choosing to do nothing.

---

Hey wishcasters, who is on Pinterest?  If you are, share your links.  I can be found here.  If you're not on Pinterest, I can send you an invite as it's fun and addictive.

Indie Ink: Another Life Lesson

Note to self:  For future reference, when Megan tells you she has an omg!brilliant idea for how to spend Friday night, do not listen.  Stay home, put on ratty pajamas, and watch Sixteen Candles or one of those other movies about high school kids who were much cooler than self.

I was going to kill someone.  Loud music emanated around the room so loud that I could feel the beat in my chest, but it was nowhere near as shrill as the laughter of the drunk girl sitting next to me.  She kept touching me like we hadn't just met five minutes ago and kept singing the wrong verses to the songs followed by a bout of giggling.

No one told me that the only way to actually enjoy a fraternity party was to be super drunk so the sheer idiocy wouldn't register.  

"I don't know about you, but this is the best party I've ever been to," she slurred.  She tried to stand herself up from her spot on the worn leather couch, but ended up falling onto the floor.  She giggled and added, "Awesome."

I was momentarily torn between helping her out and taking a picture on my iPhone of the stupid drunk girl who molested me to share with the world.  My good nature kicked in, but I was too late.  Random drunk girl had crawled across the shag carpet to random drunk guy in a tie-dyed tee-shirt and draped herself across his lap .  It seemed the natural evolution of a party like this.  There would always be kegs of beer, stupid drinking games, disco balls and random drunks to find one another across a dirty carpet.

It turned out that college parties, like most other things in life, were highly overrated.   I wasn't sure what I had expected when I had agreed to come.  Maybe it was just the idea of being a junior in high school sneaking off to a college party with her ne'er-do-well friends, but I had been intrigued by the thought of hot guys who could talk to you about politics as easily as quote the latest South Park episode.  Unfortunately,  the guys at this party seemed incapable of any conversation beyond a basic grunt for more beer.

This had been a huge mistake.  When Megan texted me with the information, sneaking out to a college party had seemed like a good idea, a way to get myself out of the rut of high school and never feeling quite right in my own skin.  It would be one of those things that I could one day wax philosophical about as I remembered how much fun I had and what I learned about myself.  Maybe it would even be like a scene from a stupid teen movie where I meet the great love of my life over a game of quarters.

Instead, I had nearly been thrown up on twice, my friend had ditched me for the promise of a game of darts, and my father the career military ninja, was going murder me when I came home reeking of pot and beer.

"Jamie, there you are!" Megan squealed as she came down the stairs with a shirtless frat boy in tow.  She stumbled toward me - good thing I didn't believe her when she said she'd be the designated driver - and wrapped her arms around my neck from behind the couch.  She petted my head, god only knew why, and said, "Aren't you glad we came?  I'm glad we came!  This is Travis!"

Shirtless frat boy grinned at me and winked.  "Hey."

I rolled my eyes.  College boys were almost worst than the guys in my class.  I tapped my watch and said, "We need to go or we're going to be in trouble."

Megan continued to pet my head.  "Nah.  It's cool.  We've got time.  And Travis has a friend for you."

Travis winked again and said, "I do."

"Gee, thanks, but we really need to go.  Both Megan and I have really overprotective fathers.  And mine is legally allowed to shoot people."

"Cool."

I stood up and made my way around the couch until I could wrap my arm around Megan.  She giggled and said, "Jamie is always so serious."

"Yep.  That's me," I said.  I began to try to move us toward the door, but Travis-the-loser-frat-boy kept getting in my way.  I glared at him and said, "Move."

"My friend really liked you.  And I like Megs.  We can have fun."

"I feel like I'm trapped in a very special episode of a sitcom," I replied.  I grunted as I pushed past Travis and dragged Megan the remainder of the way out of the frat house.  I wasn't sure how college parties got the reputation for being cool, but this was one experience I could cross off my life list.

Megan waved back toward the house to no one as I guided her down the sidewalk.  She shook her head and said, "Party pooper."

"You're never allowed to talk me into some 'important rite of passage' again.  This sucks."

Megan pried free of my grip and almost crashed to the ground.  I managed to snake my arm back around her before she faceplanted into the concrete and pulled her back up.  Megan laughed and then her face quickly drained of color and she frowned.  "Jamie, why is that tree upside down?"

"Oh man.  The only life lesson I'm getting out of this is a long lecture from my dad when I drag your sorry ass back into my house."

"Your dad is hot.  I'd totally date him."

"That's gross and mentally scarring."

"It's a compliment.  You come from hot stock."

"Please stop talking.  I'm already reconsidering our friendship," I commented.  It felt like we had been walking forever, but we had only gotten a few yards from the house.  I peered down the street to wear Megan's car was parked and cursed under my breath. 

Megan rested her head on my shoulder, putting even more of her weight on me, and said, "Don't be silly.  We've been friends forever.  Nothing can come between us!"

I nodded because there really wasn't anything else to say.  I wanted to hate her, but I mostly hated myself for getting into this situation in the first place.  I used to be smarter than this.

Once we reached her car, there was another ordeal to pull the keys out of her jacket pocket and get Megan situated in the passenger seat.  I slid into the driver's seat and glanced at the dashboard.  I groaned and rested my head against the steering wheel.  This was just not my night.

Note to self #2: Learn how to drive stick shift.

---

For the IndieInk Writing Challenge this week, lisa challenged me with "I don't know about you, but this is the best party I've ever been to! she drunkenly slurred." and I challenged Sir with "she came to and her whole life was how she remembered it"

breathing in and out, slowly...

Once again I'm just getting to wishcasting at the end of the day.  The past few days I've been battling an evil cold/sinus infection of doom because people I work with come in sick, spread germs everywhere and then seem perplexed when everyone else catches their shit.  Argh.  I hate colds.  They're evil and I'm a baby.


Onto brighter things...wishcasting.  Today Jamie asks:

What do you wish to attract?

courtesy of we heart it

"Our greatest happiness does not depend on the condition of life in which chance has placed us, but is always the result of a good conscience, good health, occupation, and freedom in all just pursuits." - Thomas Jefferson

This seems fitting on a day when I'm cursing my inability to breathe easily without a fit of coughs.  I wish to attract good health.  I wish to attract the strength to take better care of myself.  I might not be able to avoid every cold that comes along, but I can do my best to limit what happens.  I don't want to end up like my mother.  She didn't take care of herself and she was miserable and died too young.  

What are you wishing for?  

As you wish for yourself, so I truly wish for you also...

Indie Ink: Everything Falls Apart

The apartment started to fall apart around the same time the first cracks in their relationship appeared, Livvie had noticed.  A bad fight about trash and the garbage disposal broke; nights of sleeping on couches and ignoring one another after feelings and egos were hurt matched up with the bathroom’s flooding thanks to a faulty pipe; and almost-indifferent declarations of “what are we even doing?” came about when the coffeemaker had blown up one sullen Sunday morning.  It was no surprise that Steve didn’t want to hear her complaints about their refrigerator. 

What else was left?  What more could they take?

Still, she couldn’t let it go, not quite yet.  She put down her newspaper and held up a spoonful of her breakfast as though she was providing proof in a trial and said, “The milk is warm, Steve.  If the refrigerator was working properly, that wouldn’t happen.”

“Livvie,” he breathed out in an almost-sigh.  There was so much in that one word and yet, none of it mattered.

“I’m serious.  Warm milk is good when you can’t sleep, not so much in Cheerios.”

Steve concentrated his gaze on her and offered up his best placating expression.  “I checked it this morning.  It’s not broken.  It’s just a little hiccup.  It gives it character.”  He said it with the fervor of the pulpit and the agenda of a flimflam man.  Livvie didn’t really believe him – he was a graphic designer, not a handy man – but she found herself acquiescing anyway.

She picked up her paper and swallowed the spoonful of cereal a la gross milk.  She used to enjoy these long silences between the two of them.  It had felt almost romantic in a way, that they could be together doing their own things, and all was right with the world.  Now it was stifling and all she could think about.  Wrong, wrong, wrong…too quiet…wrong.

After her fifth attempt at reading the same line of an article on nuclear disarmament, she gave up and focused her attention on Steve.  He was still handsome to look at, even with bedhead and the wheezing that passed for breathing from his battle with a cold, and a part of her wanted to reach out and touch him.  But she didn’t.  She watched him drawing in his notebook with one hand while he shoveled a bagel into his mouth with the other.  His eyes were shut and she knew he was lost somewhere in his own head.  Sometimes she wished she could visit the places that his imagination traveled to.  Just the two of them, together, lost in between galaxies and dreams and specters only the mind could create.  He would hold her tightly against his chest and she would rest her head on his shoulder just so as she wrapped her arms around his neck.  Things would be the way they were; the way they were meant to be when there wasn't real life and trivial crap to get in the way.

Now it was all flourescent kitchen lights and conversations-that-turned-into-arguments about who was supposed to mail the bills and an apartment that was falling to pieces.   They were battle worn and weary of one another.  They knew each other in ways that proved how much they had loved (or was it loved?  She didn't know any more) each other, but it provided each of them with years' worth of ammo and god, she hated him for it.  She hated it almost as much as she loathed herself for never leaving, but who else was she if not Livvie of Steve-and-Livvie?

After what felt like minutes, but was probably nothing more than a few seconds, Steve opened his eyes and caught her staring at him.  He dropped his pencil and wiped his hand over his face self-consciously.  It created a momentary pang in her chest, seeing how far things had shifted.  Long gone were the enamored gazes and the smiles and blushes that formed when noticed.  If she was staring at Steve, it meant something wasn't quite right.

"It all started with the goddamn garbage disposal, I think," Livvie said. 

"I told you I'd get around to replacing it soon," Steve replied, crossing his arms protectively over his chest.

She hadn't known she had said that out loud.  She hadn't meant to.  But she found herself quickly getting caught up in the moment.  She rolled her eyes at mention of the inevitable soon.

Steve still knew her well.  He shrugged and said, "I need to buy some parts."

Livvie leaned back in her chair.  "It's fine."

"What does that mean?"

"The same thing that soon does, I suppose," she replied.  She picked up her spoon and mindlessly pushed the cereal around in the bowl and let out a low huff of air.  She shook her head, refusing to look at Steve, and tried to clear her brain of the junk bogging her down in hopes of achieving some sort of clarity.  Trying and wishing would be her downfall. 

How was it possible to love someone so much and wish they would fade away at the same time?  And why couldn't she do anything to fix it or put them both out of their misery?

She glanced around the room and couldn't stop her eyes from landing back on the refrigerator, which was buzzing out an off-key tune.  "We need a new refrigerator."

"I told you--"

"--it's broken.  Maybe beyond repair."

"No, it's not."

"It's not working like it should and we can't live like this," she replied.  She ran her hand over her face and added, "Why are we living like this?"

He stared at her and shrugged.  She didn't know if she should kiss him or punch him, so she shoved out of her seat and stormed off.   Nothing was going to change this way and something had to change.

---

For the IndieInk Writing Challenge this week, Sarah Sparks challenged me with "Have a broken fridge involved." and I challenged Carrie with "I can no longer stand the guilt and I need to confess"

right at the end of the day, but still in time to share my wish

It has been a long day.  I still need to finish up my piece for this week's Indie Ink challenge, but I think it's waiting until tomorrow morning as I'm starting to feel the pull of my heated blanket and sleep.  But I didn't want to miss out on Wishcast Wednesday, so right under the gun...


Today Jamie asks:

What do you wish for your  health and wellness?

courtesy of we heart it

“To insure good health: Eat lightly, breathe deeply, live moderately, cultivate cheerfulness, and maintain an interest in life.” - William Londen

i wish to stop planning and fretting and waiting for tomorrow to get my head and body in order.  I seem to live for the perpetual tomorrow and there is no reason for it.  I do much better with right now on everything else, why wouldn't my health be the same?  

I wish to put as much energy into improving my mental and physical health as I do worrying about the myriad of ways I fail at these things.  

I can do it. 

What do you wish for?

As you wish for yourself, so I truly wish for you also...

Just close your eyes and listen...

It's been a rough couple of weeks emotionally, but focusing on the positive, I have made some progress on decluttering the house and getting rid of things.  It was getting ridiculous and I'm pretty sure it was slowly sapping away my energy.  Today was a tough therapy session that involved a lot of tears shed and I hate crying even if I know it's a way to get out all of this negativity and garbage I've kept stuffed away for so long.  It's not fun while I'm in it, but hopefully soon I realize it was all for the best.

Luckily, it's Wishcasting Wednesday, and today Jamie asks:

If you listen closely, what do you wish to hear?

courtesy of we heart it

"It is only when we silent the blaring sounds of our daily existence that we can finally hear the whispers of truth that life reveals to us, as it stands knocking on the doorsteps of our hearts." ~K.T. Jong

I wish to hear the truth and fears behind my thoughts and reasons for my actions.  I wish to hear the why in my choices that sometimes goes unnoticed in the moment.  I wish to listen to myself more and not feel guilty or selfish for what I need.

first wishcast of 2012

First day back to work after vacation and things are slightly crazy at the moment.  But how could I miss the first wishcast of 2012?  It's one of my favorite parts of the week and I feel strangely unfocused when I don't take part.  I have to finish preparing my co-worker's gift for tomorrow (part homemade fun/part real gift), so I won't be able to visit each blog until tomorrow, but as always know, as you wish for yourself, so I truly wish for you also.

This week Jamie asks us:

What or whom do you wish to make peace with?

courtesy of we heart it

I wish to make peace with my anger, sadness, and grief toward my mother.  It's hard to carry around this anger for things that happened in my life.  I've come to accept that I'm allowed to be upset, that I'm not marring her memory but being honest about how I perceived things and how I was hurt, but I haven't been able to forgive her yet.  And it's keeping me from really saying goodbye and moving past her death and not being tied down to these crazy ideas she put in my head because she meant well or just didn't know any better.  I know she loved me, but I haven't been able to get past these feelings of resentment I feel.  It's not good to carry this around.  I want to be able to conjure up the good memories of my mother when people ask about her, and there were plenty of good memories, but right now they get lost in this space in my gut.

I wish to finally process these emotions and move past them.  The only person they're hurting is me and I think I've done enough of that already.

ringing in 2012...

Happy New Year.  I've had all these posts in my head.  I would say, "I want to write about that" and then I would get distracted.  Kinda like the dogs in Up!  "I really want to talk about...BALL!..."  or "I've discovered that I'm rather...SQUIRREL!..."  I have problems.

I'm excited for 2012.  I feel optimistic and hopeful.  I feel like I've come along way in the past few years.  I'm still on the journey, still up to my eyes in working on my own betterment, but I'm feeling good for the most part.

Tomorrow I will do a post on resolutions.  Though I hate that word.  I associate the word with failure and woe.  I'd much rather just focus on goals.

Again, happy new year, everyone!  Here's to a healthy, happy and fun year!

the things you accomplish when you procrastinate

The holidays are a busy time.  First, Christmas arrives with all the things to do and people to see.  It's fun, but tiring.  And then it's time for some introspection and quality time before the new year arrives.  What went right?  What went wrong?  Where do I need to work harder?  What were my successes?  List all the great things that happened.

I haven't been able to participate in the Indie Ink challenge for pretty much the entire month of December.  I hope to start back to it next week in the new year.  I had two stories due for a yuletide challenge and being me I procrastinated a great deal on them.  It's funny the things I accomplish when I don't want to write.  Suddenly I have time to go through my closet, clean the kitchen, and read Tolstoy.  Anything to avoid the writing.  But once I get writing, it tends to be okay for the most part.  Sure, there are moments where I just want to write "and then they all died" no matter what the story I'm telling because that would just be easier than writing myself out of a plot hole.  But the voices in my head can be fun to play with.

I have a few posts to do over the next few days.  Thank goodness for vacation.

The right vote is for Mara Dyer...

I know at some point I will have to choose between Clary and Mara, but for now, they're not up against each other in the Tournament of Heroines at the YA Sisterhood.

Today it's between Mara and Karou, and while I feel no ill will toward Karou, I love Mara Dyer and I adored the Unbecoming of Mara Dyer so much.  I think it's my favorite book of 2011.




So go vote here.  Right now - December 16th is Mara's day and we need to make sure she gets to the next round.

it's all about getting out of my own way

Today has already been a day of sorts.  After a bout of food poisoning yesterday, I learned a valuable lesson - never eat McDonalds...ever.  I don't eat it often and now I remember why.  Ugh.  Yesterday was not a good day.  But things are looking brighter today.  Feeling one hundred percent better and things at work are under control and while there is a lot I need to do, I'm feeling okay instead of stressed about it.


And it's Wishcasting Wednesday, which is always a bright spot in my week.  Today Jamie asks:

What is your deepest wish?

courtesy of we heart it

"Very often we are our own worst enemy as we foolishly build stumbling blocks on the path that leads to success and happiness." - Louis Binstock

My deepest wish is to get out of my own way and let myself accomplish the things that I want.  I hide behind fear and the evil what if and find ways to constantly sabotage myself.  I want to get healthy.  I want to make a living doing something I love.  I want to embrace my creative side and quiet my negative one.  I want to stop running from fear and embrace it - because usually what you're afraid of leads to new things.  I want to stop thinking of myself in destructive ways and see all the good I bring to the universe.

My deepest wish is to get out of my own way and become the person I'm meant to be.

---

My daily email, I Believe God Wants You to Know, from Neale Donald Walsch seems to fit with this week's wishcast as well:

On this day of your life, Mare, I believe God wants you to know...

...that taking better care of yourself is not merely a matter

of good health, it is a measure of spiritual evolution.

Some people take better care of their car than they do

of their body. Most people, in fact, pay little attention

to their body until something goes wrong. Yet why

create that kind of situation?

Look at what you are eating. How much and how

often do you exercise? When was your last check-up?

Are you treating your physical vehicle as if it is Divine?

Good for you if you are. If you aren't...why not?

Party down and such...

Wednesday is upon us. i'm feeling a little run down and tired and there's no good reason for it except I'm reading/watching television too late, even though I know I have to be up early in the morning. And I've been terrible with my morning pages since Thanksgiving. During my five days off, I got out of routine and I'm just having such trouble getting back on track. Must just suck it up and get up half hour earlier again to do my writing.  And the new blogger posting format is a little weird - I'm not good with change.


In good news, my brain is currently filled with random ideas for stories and it's Wishcasting Wednesday.


Today Jamie asks:

What do you wish to celebrate?

courtesy of we heart it

"The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate." - Oprah Winfrey

I wish to celebrate my accomplishments.  I put so much emphasis on things that I do wrong and the mistakes I make in any given day, but I never give myself credit for the successes, especially the small ones.  I want to dance around when I finish my reports early.  I should be able to pat myself on the back for walking away from Shop-Rite with a bill of only $ 7.00 because of my coupon work.  And when I finish a story, I should be proud of what I accomplished instead of immediately worrying and freaking out that it's trite crap.

What do you wish to celebrate?

P.S. - Happy Birthday, Jamie!

Cool giveaway: Paperback Dolls Give Back & Kindle Fire giveaway

So, as many of you know, I love great giveaways.  Right up there with great coupon deals and reading blogs as ways to pass my time.   I tend not to talk about it much in my blog because it's not really what this blog tends to be about (emo posts and random bits of writing are way cooler - uh-huh), but every once-in-awhile there is a giveaway that I feel like I should share.  Because it's awesome.

paperback dolls give back + Kindle Fire giveaway

"For every new follower Paperback Doll’s acquires during this 17 day contest, Day has teamed up with her local Half Price Books and Dollar Tree Store and will donate 1 children’s book or toy to Operation Christmas Child or Toys for Tots charity. We hope we are able to give lots of books and toys to children all over the world this holiday season! As a special “thank you” to all of our readers we are giving away a KINDLE FIRE tablet and donating books and toys to charity. To participate simply enter below. Already have a tablet? You can still help by sending monetary donations securely via paypal."

Enter here.

I could really use a pot of gold

It was hard to come back to work yesterday after five glorious days off from work.  I did a lot of shopping (great deals with coupons were to be had) and cooked/baked and slept.  It was wonderful.  But back to work and getting back into a routine, which went out the window over the holiday.  Strange how easy it is to slip out of a pattern, but how hard it sometimes feels to get back on track.

Anyway, today is Wishcasting Wednesday, and Jamie asks us:

What treasures do you wish for?

courtesy of we heart it

"All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy." - Spike Milliga

I wish for the treasure of enough money to thrive rather than barely get by.  Currently, money is extremely tight and any house issue turns into a crisis with lots of stress and anxiety as I freak out about where the money will come from and why does this keep happening?  I realize that ups and downs are a part of life.  I do understand how lucky I am to have a job that provides a roof over my head and food on the table.  And I know I could probably extend my budget a little further to make it last longer...but it would be nice to have a little reprieve.  Not a ton of money, just enough to live without constant fear of what could happen.

What do you wish for?

Indie Ink: Colors Change for No Good Reason

"This is possibly the worst day of my life," I pause to sigh dramatically for effect and pout in Mike's general direction.  I continue before he can interrupt me though and say, "And yes, that includes the day that my bicycle crashed into the ice cream vendor at the pier."

Mike laughs and I hate him a little bit.  He chucks my chin and says, "I warned you to get the brakes on that death trap of a bike fixed."

I sit down on the front steps of the school and shake my head.  "That is not helping."

Mike wraps his arm around me and I'm inundated with smells that are so Mike - soap and wintergreen and pencil shavings.  I rest my head on his shoulder and close my eyes.  In this moment, everything is okay and I can forget how my life has fallen apart in front of me."It'll be okay, Elaina.  You always land on your feet."

I keep my eyes shut, but I'm back in my guidance counselor's office.  Instead of guidance, he stomps all over my dream and tells me there is no way I'll get into Yale without animal sacrifice.  He says it so easily, like it doesn't matter that every conversation with my father since I was five has been about Yale and following in his footsteps.  He says it with crumbs stuck in his beard between hacking coughs and shrill phones ringing.  Sucks to be you, Elaina.

"You didn't even want to go to Yale."

I roll my eyes and laugh mirthlessly.   Mike nudges me in the side and says, "You'll figure it out."

"You seem so sure of that."

"Because I know you.  You're relentless to a scary degree and you'll figure out what you want to do and where you want to go and god help anyone who stands in your way."

I smile reflexively.  "Thanks, I think."

He slides a few inches away and turns to face me and suddenly we're in this moment where time slows down and my heart hammers in my chest and my head is screaming to move away, but I can't do it.  All these feelings that I've been sitting on for months are bubbling up to the surface and the soft, endearing expression on Mike's face is all it takes for me to kiss him.

Logic and every reason best friends should not hook up begin to run through my head, but they're thwarted as Mike's fingers curl in my hair and he pulls me closer until I'm almost on his lap.  He tastes a lot like he smells, less the pencil shavings, and I feel like I will never get enough of this.

He pulls back and caresses my face which freaks me out because he's Mike, but also makes me shiver in a way I'm not used to.  He smiles and says, "I've been hoping you would do something like that for over a year."

I arch my eyebrow.  "What?"

"I figured you knew how I felt about you, but didn't want to ruin our friendship...and I didn't want to mess things up, so-"

"-so you were a big chicken?" I say with a laugh.

He rests his forehead against mine and holds my hands in his.  It's something we've done millions of times over the years, but it's different and exciting, my skin tingling.  "Are you freaking out on me, Elaina?"

"Surprisingly no."

"Are you sure?"

"Surprisingly, yes," I say and I kiss him again.  Maybe finding out I had no chance at Yale broke my brain and I no longer have impulse control.  It's a brief kiss and I pull back to look at him, making sure that this is really happening and I'm not having hallucinations brought on from a nervous breakdown.  I wouldn't be the first teenager to go crazy on the quest for the Ivy League.

"It really happened.  No take backs," Mike says.  He always can read my mind.  He stands up and extends his hand to me, lifting me up onto my feet.  He pushes back a stray piece of hair from my face and says, "We should get you home."

"Want to stay for dinner?"

"You need support when you break the news to the parents?"

I shrug and try to sound casual. "Well, yeah, but I also just want to hang out with you."

He grins and squeezes my hand, "Sure."

"Good," I respond, even though it hardly does justice to how I feel.  In the span of one afternoon, I've gone from having one dream destroyed, but another one, one I was so scared of for so long, has been realized.  And who knows what will happen, but I'm definitely enjoying the moment.

---

This week’s IndieInk Challenge came from transplantedx3, who gave me this prompt: "For every dream that's shattered, another one comes true." I challenged Amanda with the prompt "I can’t get you off my mind."

Note:  This is a scene that features one of the characters I like to revisit, Elaina.  Other pieces with her can be found here.  Happy Thanksgiving to those that celebrate!

do you remember the time...

It saddens me that I've missed the last few wischasting wednesdays, but I'm back today.  Life has been generally chaotic, but I'm looking forward to five days off and lots of deals on Black Friday.

This week Jamie asks:

What do you wish to remember?

courtesy of we heart it

"Living is like tearing through a museum. Not until later do you really start absorbing what you saw, thinking about it, looking it up in a book, and remembering - because you can't take it in all at once." - Audrey Hepburn

I wish to remember how fortunate I am.  I tend to focus on all the things that are going wrong, running right to the negative and ignore the good that is happening at the same time.  Life is a balancing act, a mix of good and bad, and it's important to pay as much (if not more) attention to the wonders as to the woes.  

I wish to remember how my dad used to tell me that I could do anything I wanted with my life, that I could be whatever I wanted, that it was in the palm of my hands.

I wish to remember the good things about my mother and forgive the bad.

I wish to remember everyone in my life who has been there for me and make sure they know how much they matter.

I wish to remember all of you.  I am truly grateful for this wonderful wishcasting circle of people.

Indie Ink: Don't Look Back in Anger

“Callie, so much has happened in your life even without even including the meteoric rise to fame at sixteen years old.  I couldn’t help but wonder, is there anything you wish could’ve been different?”

It’s always the same with these guys.  They think they're Dan Rather in the making except they're stuck on the teen beat and ask stupid questions.   If they insist on treating me like an idiot, I can only do as my publicist and agent suggest and play dumb.  I flip my long, blonde hair and narrow my gaze on the perspiring loser in sweatpants sitting across from me.  “Not really, Dave.  I never look back.  My motto is what’s done is done.”

He laughs in that faux Hollywood way that means he thinks I'm barely functional.  He jots notes down with one hand while the other keeps straying into my personal space and grazing my thigh.  Note to creepy guys everywhere:  thigh high boots and short skirts don’t mean I’m a personal plaything for groping.  I shift in my chair to create a bit more distance between our almost touching knees – creepy dude sweat is so gross – and laugh right back at him.  I say, “I’m much more interested in living in the moment and enjoying what’s happening right now.”

“And who could blame you, considering you’re currently celebrating three consecutive number one songs, an album gone platinum and a sold out tour.”

There is something depressing about hearing your hard work and accomplishments shortened down to one sentence.  I try not to let it bother me though.  I need to be on my A-Game with the press at all times.  I nod and smile at Dave like my publicist instructed me to do.  We rehearsed this interview (along with several others) for hours and I’m afraid her head might explode if I veer off script.  No one wants a rogue pop star on their hands.

“But…” his voice raises an octave like he’s about to catch me in an A-HA question.  Like any of this can phase me anymore.  Like I’m not beyond it and more concerned with what to wear to the AMAs – the Vera Wang or Stella McCartney.  I stifle a yawn and bat my eyes expectantly and he says, “…but I can’t help but wonder if there is some part of you that not only thinks about the past, but has trouble letting go.  How can someone come from such a trying childhood and not occasionally revisit her history?”

I nod again like I’m considering the statement.  I’m so bored with this crap.  Yeah, I had a crappy childhood. Who didn't?  “I’m sorry to disappoint you, Dave, but I choose not to dwell on my past.”

I smile brightly and touch his arm.  I notice his pen slip for a nanosecond mid-scribble and I know I've got him.  He won’t know what hit him and I'll be able to get the hell out of here.  None of my fans want to hear about a girl who grew up with a nomadic aunt for a guardian while her parents went off to find themselves.  I don’t particularly care to look back on my pitiful origins either.  It’s over and done with.  So what if I have issues with being alone – it’s not really a problem for me anyway as I can't recall the last time I was by myself for more than two minutes – or can’t let myself trust people?  I am fine.  More than fine.  I’m a fucking star, who graced the cover of Rolling Stone magazine at sixteen years old.  I have enough money to feed a small country and to insure my aunt can continue her flighty existence with hobby after expensive hobby.  And surprise, surprise, my parents finally found themselves six months ago…at the gate of my Bel Air home.

“Not even a little bit?”

I giggle like I’m about to offer up some secret inner-working of my soul and respond, “The thing is, life is hard all over, ya know, and the only reason I’m different from any other sixteen year old girl with a sad story is because I write fun songs that people can dance to.  I feel like if I focus on the past, it lessens the gratitude I have for God and my fans.”

He raises an eyebrow, but he wouldn't dare call me out on my load of crap. He says, “Some say if you forget the past, you’re doomed to repeat it.”

He’s getting on my nerves with his profundity of nothing and sweaty brow.  The truth is that there is no way I am going back to living in a shitty apartment with no heat or air with my crazy aunt.  I’m done with that and I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure it never happens again.  Door is slammed shut on my humble beginnings.    My jaw tightens and I know I’m making the fish face that my manager hollers at me about.  I force myself to smile through it, but I end up coming off even worse, like an alien freakshow about to suck out poor Dave-the-blogger’s brain.

As if he can sense weakness bubbling under my sunny exterior, Dave presses, “Your parents are back in your life after abandoning you when you were three.  How does that feel?”

“It’s complicated,” I state.

“Do you worry they’re back in your life simply because you’re the Callie McCallister and worth millions?”

“I try to keep my personal life separate from the professional, but I will say this.  We’re all learning as we go.  Will it work out?  I don’t know.  Yes, it’s hard sometimes,” I pause, resisting the urge to shoot daggers at mister wannabe hotshot reporter.  I take a deep breath and breathe – in spring blue sky, out tar black – and continue, “If people really want to know more about who I really am, I think my emotions truly come through in my new single, Inner Me.  I wrote it late one night on a tour bus while we drove across Kansas.  You see, Dave, music is the way I allow myself to deal with life’s trials and tribulations.  It’s what allows me to sit here and tell you that I never look back and feel good about it.”

I don’t give him a chance to respond.  I stand up, shake his hand, and hurry off toward my assistant.  I’m so over this.

---

For the IndieInk Writing Challenge this week, Floreksa challenged me with "I never looked back" and I challenged Bran mac Feabhail with "If I had known yesterday that he would be gone, I would've done things differently."

Indie Ink Challenge: Destiny Is Deafening

“…Well I don’t believe I’m beautiful,
but at least I have my sister’s smile
And I resist the muses,
but they sing to me in exile
And destiny’s not deafening,
but it hushed me like a child…” 

Music is such a huge part of my life.  It’s one of the constant companions to my day whether I’m stuck in traffic on the highway, working out, or attempting to create a genius piece of writing.  Maybe it’s because I’m a writer, but I’m always drawn to lyrics.  Beyond melodies and harmonies, the actual words of a song are what tend to make it a lasting fave or a flash-in-the-pan-feeling-of-regret later in life (I’m looking at you, Vanilla Ice). 

There are certain songs that I feel automatically linked to; ones that resonate on a level I’m not sure that I appreciate on first listen.   It feels like the songwriter stole my journal and wrote exactly what I was pondering.   There also certain artists that tend to do that for me more often than not – Ani Difranco, Sarah McLachlan, Bruce Springsteen…their lyrics are poetry to me, ways of explaining life that make me wish I was more eloquent.

It made this week’s prompt harder than I expected, but I ended up going back to one song over and over again.  While it’s not my overall favorite song of all time, the lyrics in this song just tend to capture how I feel about life.   I used the lyrics as the title of this blog – Destiny Is Deafening – and I often find myself, good or bad, resisting the muses.  It gets me in a lot of trouble, actually.  Whenever I attempt to approach my writing (or my life), with a set-in-stone plan or outline, things shift into rapid descent, the breath rushes out of my lungs and I’m left unsure of what the hell happened. 

In the refrain, Idina Menzel sings, “Still I can’t be still, still I can’t be silent...”  Even when life and destiny are upon us, even when we feel like things are out of our control, we keep moving.  We’re not still or silent.  I never know if that’s good or bad, but it continues to sum up how I feel on almost any given day.  I don’t claim that’s the healthiest mentality and maybe part of what attracts me to these lyrics is the idea that there are others like me.  There are those of us who don’t feel completely right, haven't quite conquered life and destiny, but we keep moving and trying.

---

For the IndieInk Writing Challenge this week, Alisha challenged me with "hands down most meaningful song lyric(s) to you & whyt" and I challenged Gehan with "I hate that he tells me how much he thinks I'm worth and I really hate that I listen to him."  The response from Gehan is here.

Note:  I always recommend people check out Idina Menzel's music.  Her first album, Still I Can't Be Still, is my favorite and features the above mentioned song.

Indie Ink Challenge: Life of a Wannabe Couch Potato

“I like being a couch potato,” I stated.  I shoved a chip in my mouth and stretched out on the ugly-olive-but-oh-so-comfy sofa that my brother and I had found on Craigslist a couple of months ago. Our last one suffered a horrible demise during a run-in with a bitchy coven of witches, who overran the apartment with pestilence.  I cannot explain the levels of awful that was without shuddering.

My brother rolled his eyes and sat down next to me with a book in his hand.  He had the same light brown hair and blue eyes that I did, but even sitting down he towered over me in height.  Sean also looked much wiser and cooler than I did, which was never fair and I wondered if it was just because he was older.   The one thing I was sure of in that moment as he flipped the pages of his four hundred page novel…he would never make a good couch potato.

When Sean didn't say anything, I continued, “There’s something wonderfully normal about vegging out on a rainy day with some junk food and nowhere to go.”

“Yeah, it’s like Christmas,” Sean replied without even missing a beat in his book.

I glared at him and said, “This is the first Saturday in forever where there wasn't peril at the hand of jackasses that we had to handle or you weren't in annoying dictator mode.”

“I’m hardly a dictator.”

“ Isn't that what all dictators say?”

“No, they throw lazy bums like you in jail for insolent behavior and go on with their day.  I’m just not that lucky.”

I continued to glare at the side of his head.  Over the years, I've had to listen to a lot of girls go on about how handsome and great my brother was.  If only they could see him in all his snarky glory.  I yawned, stretched out again, and began the important task of flipping through the list of programming on the television.  It had taken years of whining, but I had finally convinced Sean of the wonders of cable.  Maybe in another ten years, he’ll be ready to try TIVO.

I glanced over the list of upcoming shows.  This was part of the trappings of cable. I already knew what I was going to watch, but I felt compelled to see what else was on.  It wouldn't have surprised me to learn that the cable companies were in league with a few demons on the invention.  It definitely screamed evil in that I-love-it-and-can’t-stop-myself way.  I popped another chip into my mouth as I scrolled through the long list of channels and upcoming programming.

And I gasped in horror.

Sean’s eyes snapped up from his book and focused on me.  “What’s wrong?”

“My day.”

“A minute ago life was grand.”

“That was before I was in the middle of a freaking television crisis of epic proportions.”

“Sounds awful.”

“Did you not hear the epic proportions part?”

Sean shrugged.  "I honestly don't know how to respond."

"This is serious, Sean.  I was planning to spend my afternoon catching up on Ghost Hunters International, but I just noticed there is a Teen Mom marathon on MTV.   I haven't seen the current season, but it's such an awesome train wreck - always makes me feel better about my own lame existence."

Sean dropped his book and snatched the remote out of my hand the same way he would a weapon - quick and efficient, leaving me to wonder if he was part ninja.  He put on the National Geographic channel, smirked at my groan, and said, "Problem solved and neither of us will be stupider afterward."

I crossed my arms.  "That was not one of the choices."

"I'm not watching Teen Mom."

"But Macy and Ryan are fighting again--"

"I am not watching Teen Mom, Cady.  I prefer not to partake in a sociological experiment gone completely awry, leaving me worried about the future of the human race if these are the people procreating."

I was not beyond a full-fledged pout-turned-tantrum if necessary.  I unfolded and refolded my arms in a very bratty manner and said, "That's what's so great about MTV shows."  His look was unflappable as he picked his book back up.  Sometimes I hated my brother.  A lot.

I grabbed the remote from his lap and said, "Ghost Hunters it is."

"That's not much better."

"You're ruining my happy lazy day."

"You know as well as I do that nothing on that show is accurate."

"It's a television show, not a dissertation on the proper techniques for dealing with ornery spirits and poltergeists."

Sean shrugged in the way that said I could do what I want but it wasn't the right thing to do.   It was a fixture in my childhood.  "Do what you want, but it seems like a waste of time."

"Seems like a waste of time," I mimicked in my best Sean-is-boring voice and I stuck out my tongue in his direction.  I flipped through the channels and settled in on Ghost Hunters as a new episode was starting.  I noticed out of the corner of my eye that Sean was back to reading his book.  We might not have the same ideas for how to spend a quiet day, but the lack of impending doom was a nice break.  I said, "Wouldn't it be great if the biggest decision of the day is whether to watch Teen Mom or Ghost Hunters International?"

"If you say so."

"I have nowhere to go and nothing to do and I'm going to enjoy it."

"Okay."

"I mean it," I replied.  I turned my attention to the show for a few minutes.  Not that I would tell him, but Sean was right about this show.  There really was a disturbing number of inaccuracies in how they dealt with ghosts.  

I tapped my foot against the coffee table and fanned myself.  It suddenly felt a bit hot in the living room, despite the wind billowing in from the open window.   I resisted the urge to get up and pace around the room.  It turned out being still and zoning out were not for me.

My brother glanced at me and said, "Let me guess, this is boring and you want to go do something."

"Yes please.  I'm not made for mindless television all day, just at night," I said.  I hopped up off the couch and slipped into my boots and jacket.  I bounced on the balls of my feet while I watched my brother amble around the room like an old man, gathering his keys and wallet and patting his jacket pockets.    Once he was ready, I flung open the door and hurried into the hall of our building.   "Sweet freedom!"

I wasn't looking at him, but I knew my brother was rolling his eyes in my direction as he locked the door. 

---

For the Indie Ink Writing Challenge this week, Stefan challenged me with "Two things happened at once, it was which one to act upon that I couldn't decide..." and I challenged Sarah Cass with "It was a case of mistaken identity." (Her response is here.)

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Note:  My piece is pretty liberal with the prompt - but it's what came out, so I decided to go with it.  This is another piece that uses my character, Cady.