Wednesday, January 4, 2012

first wishcast of 2012

First day back to work after vacation and things are slightly crazy at the moment.  But how could I miss the first wishcast of 2012?  It's one of my favorite parts of the week and I feel strangely unfocused when I don't take part.  I have to finish preparing my co-worker's gift for tomorrow (part homemade fun/part real gift), so I won't be able to visit each blog until tomorrow, but as always know, as you wish for yourself, so I truly wish for you also.

This week Jamie asks us:

courtesy of we heart it

I wish to make peace with my anger, sadness, and grief toward my mother.  It's hard to carry around this anger for things that happened in my life.  I've come to accept that I'm allowed to be upset, that I'm not marring her memory but being honest about how I perceived things and how I was hurt, but I haven't been able to forgive her yet.  And it's keeping me from really saying goodbye and moving past her death and not being tied down to these crazy ideas she put in my head because she meant well or just didn't know any better.  I know she loved me, but I haven't been able to get past these feelings of resentment I feel.  It's not good to carry this around.  I want to be able to conjure up the good memories of my mother when people ask about her, and there were plenty of good memories, but right now they get lost in this space in my gut.

I wish to finally process these emotions and move past them.  The only person they're hurting is me and I think I've done enough of that already.


building bridges seeking zen said...

This is heartachingly beautiful. As you wish for yourself, I wish for you as well.

Cindi Summerlin said...

I truly understand your post.

What helped me heal in a similar situation was to write down each hurt, each pain on a slip of paper, then as I lit them and dropped them into a can to burn away, I said "I forgive this hurt and release it from my heart." For me, the physical action helped me to mentally let it go.

Sometimes also, when someone shares a good memory that you don't share about your mom, simply listen and smile. Each of us has our own perception of events that happen to us in our lives because we see them from within. You can forgive your mom because she did what SHE thought was best, and then resolve to live differently.

I once asked my Dad why he raised us the way he did, and his response was that he was raising us the same way his Dad raised him. He thought he turned out okay.

It is hard for some people to give what they have never received.

As you wish for yourself, so I also wish for you.

Joy said...

Thank you for sharing so openly! Very touching. As you wish for your self, so I too wish for you as well:)

Anonymous said...

So much pain. Thank you for sharing your feelings.

As you wish for yourself, so I wish for you also.

Heidi@Rainy Day Ramblings said...

Mare, you have an inspirational blog. I know you can move beyond it and let it go. It hurts sometimes but dont let it consume you. Once you let it go you will have a catharsis and your soul will sing and you will feel pounds lighter, Keep working at it! You will get there.