Monday, February 28, 2011

here's to life...

courtesy of We Heart It

Today has been a good day.  I find that I complain enough when life is rough or I'm frustrated or particularly sullen, so I need to acknowledge when things are good as well.  I feel in sync with the universe and I'm noticing the small things that are going my way - rainy day with grocery store run needed, but there was a spot up close and no line!

The past couple of weeks, the last month, have not been my finest hours.  It was the anniversary of my mother's death at the end of January and then my father's death last week.  I got hit with this cold-infection-thing going around that takes awhile to go away and it got really bad last week.  My psychiatrist changed my meds and I was detoxing from caffeine and soda.

I seem to have come out the other end of the tunnel.  I started to feel a bit better yesterday, didn't dread getting out of bed and didn't feel like my body and mind were at war with one another, and today has been good (especially since I stayed up late to watch Oscar stuff). 

I almost stopped to get a soda on my way to work - part habit and part nerves about a work issue - but caught myself. I took a moment to ask myself why I wanted the soda and would it be worth giving up my streak of not drinking any of it.  When I did this, I was able to see that I didn't really want the soda, I was just worried about something that made me feel bad.  This is such a big moment for me and I am so proud of myself.  I caught myself in the moment of possible sabotage and stopped it!

As I read ABCcreativity's weekly intention post, I realized that is how I intend to approach this week.  Acknowledge the good moments, no matter how small or trivial they seem.  Appreciate myself and my accomplishments.  I'm so quick to come down on myself for the smallest issue, but I never allow myself to embrace anything positive if I mentally decide it's a small victory. It doesn't get me anywhere.

I'm going to say things like, "Yay! I've been off soda for a week and caffeine for two and I don't really miss it!" or "I got all of the laundry done!" or "I am finally noticing certain things I do!" and be proud of myself.

It feels weird to type this out - to put it out there - as the little voice in the back of my head tells me not to, that these aren't victories, just things most people can do...

Shut up, stupid monster voice.  I'm not most people and it's okay to be happy with myself.


I'm behind on many online things, but I keep reminding myself that the online and blogging world is supposed to be a fun place for me, a place to learn more about myself and express my creativity.  It's not a job that I have to dread and the truth of the matter is that I just wasn't feeling up to being online much. 

Now that I'm feeling better and have a bit of spring in my step, I hope to catch up with the Assessing Your Wellness journey from Rae, to post about my ROW80 and 90 Day Living Write challenges (I have been making my 250 word goal of writing every day - just not remembering to share it or even talk about it), and to add some of my latest book and movie reviews.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

the sun is out and the snow is melting...

Sometimes life just moves so fast and I feel like I'm constantly playing catch up, and then there is this rare moment where everything synchs up and I feel like I'm right where I'm supposed to be on this journey.  Life, it is tricky to master, and while I don't fear death, I do fear being a could've been.

Something to discuss at therapy today, I suppose.

For pondering here, it's wishcasting wednesday.  I love the circle of fellow wishers and dreamers and the ability to learn new things about myself that were simmering just under the surface, waiting for some attention.

This week, Jamie asks:

courtesy of We Heart It

I know I'm strong.  I'm a survivor.  I've endured a lot and I'm still standing, albiet sometimes on wobbly legs, and I don't think I ever really embrace that strength.  I don't see it as a part of my personality, as a part of who I am, and I completely forget about it when the evil gremlins running amuck in my brain are whispering things in my ear.  "You'll never be happy, just stay where you are."  "You'll never get published, so what's the point?"  "You'll never lose this weight because you're weak."

Part of the reason these gremlin voices get to have their way is that I'm so afraid of the unknown, so scared of what happiness entails.  While most of me wants happiness and to enjoy my life journey, there is that small part of me that thinks it's better not to fight for something that could go horribly awry.  At least I know where I stand with abject misery and disappointment.

The thing is?  I am strong.  I need to remind myself of that more.  I am strong.  I lost my dad to cancer when I was eleven.  Most of my family disappeared from my life.  I grew up with a volatile, controlling mother, who loved me, but didn't know how to be a parent.  I lost my mother suddenly because she never took care of herself no matter how much I tried to get her to do it. 

I survived it all.  It helped me become the caring, compassionate person I am.  It taught me how to tap into my strength and showed me new roads to help better myself. 

I wish I could embrace this strength and use it to fight my gremlins.  I wish to remind myself that I am strong, that I'm a fighter, and that if there is no fear, I'm doing something wrong.  Fear is good, being paralyzed by it is not.  And if I fail, I've proven that I'm strong enough to survive.

I just need to make myself believe that. 

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

I pushed past the pain of the day...

This past week I've been doing my best to notice not only when I'm negative about myself, but the many ways I blow off nice/complimentary things people say to me.  It's not in a rude way so much as I-don't-even-notice-because-why-would-I-get-compliments sort of way.  I've also been highly focused on work and things that I've been putting off this past week, things that need dealing with as ignoring them until they go away has yet to work.  So I'm slightly behind on everything - posts, book reviews, etc. 

I have, however, been making my daily word count of 250 words every day since the beginning of January.  It's not on one specific project, which I would like to start to focus on, but when I'm feeling pressure to write or antsy, I just let myself go where the muse wants.  It seems to work best for me.

Half the work week is over and it's wishcasting wednesday.  I love the questions and my circle of wishcasters.

This week Jamie asks:

courtesy of We Heart It

I wish to dare to take a leap of courage and start looking for a new job.  One of the things I've learned in therapy is that growing up the way I did, I became convinced that the only right way for me to live was if I was unhappy or unsatisfied.  Something was wrong if I wasn't miserable and it was never a good idea to move out of my comfort zone.  She probably didn't mean to encourage it, but my mother always made me feel like I needed to hold onto the what-I-have-is-practical because dreams were for kids.  I know she meant it to help make me a better adult, more responsible, and that she honestly didn't know what to make of her daydreaming daughter.  I was always different from the mold she had imagined and neither of us knew how to interact with the other because of it.  That's a simplistic take on things when it's actually so much more involved, but in many ways, it is that simple.  We didn't relate to one another.

With all the talking and working out of my myriad issues, I'm starting to see this horrible pattern in my life.  I surround myself with people and put myself in scenarios where not only is thriving impossible, but I'm utterly miserable every single day.  It's mentally draining. I hide behind excuses like the market is too competitive and I should be grateful to even have a job and I'm not being a good enough friend if s(he) treats me this way, but it's all about me being afraid of change, scared of being judged and worried that maybe I do only deserve this mind-numbing hole I've dug myself into.

I let fear hold me back in so many ways and it's time to stop.  And I think the best place to start is with the one of the two areas that bothers me most - my current job.  I want a career

I wish to dare to find my path to a career and in the meantime, search for a new job, no matter how daunting or how much the gremlin voice in my head tries to dissuade me.  Life is too short to spend the majority of my week somewhere toxic.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

there was no shadow, one less thing to worry about...

Happy Ground Hog Day (spring is upon us - the groundhog saw no shadow) and happy wishcasting wednesday!  I'm trying not to let the weather get me down as we weren't hit too bad here in South Jersey and I still got a delayed opening.  Plus, I feel like I had a small, but necessary breakthrough in therapy today.

Anyway, back to wishcasting.  Today Jamie asks:

Jamie's questions so often fall in line with what's going on in my life and things I am going through.  It's the universe hard at work, working with all its might to make me see things clearly.

I wish to let go of the negativity that plagues me.  I will keep saying it until it sticks.  I wish to let go of the guilt that I should've saved my mother, I should've taken better care of her, should've protected her more.  I wish to let go of that and accept that I was the child and she was the parent.  It was supposed to be the other way around and I'm allowed to seek happiness and joy and put the blame for her lack of self-worth on her shoulders.  It wasn't something I could control.  I wish to unburden myself with this strange belief that complacency is best out of weird fear.   My father died when I was a little kid, leaving me with an alcoholic mother, who died suddenly two years ago.  If I can survive those things, I can get through pretty much anything.  I'm stronger than I give myself credit for.

Mostly, I just wish to unburden myself of these beliefs for what my life should be that were never my own so that I can finally be happy in my own skin.

what do you wish for?

Note for my fellow wishcasters:  In case I don't get to everyone, please know that as you wish for yourself, I truly wish for you.