Wednesday, February 9, 2011

I pushed past the pain of the day...

This past week I've been doing my best to notice not only when I'm negative about myself, but the many ways I blow off nice/complimentary things people say to me.  It's not in a rude way so much as I-don't-even-notice-because-why-would-I-get-compliments sort of way.  I've also been highly focused on work and things that I've been putting off this past week, things that need dealing with as ignoring them until they go away has yet to work.  So I'm slightly behind on everything - posts, book reviews, etc. 

I have, however, been making my daily word count of 250 words every day since the beginning of January.  It's not on one specific project, which I would like to start to focus on, but when I'm feeling pressure to write or antsy, I just let myself go where the muse wants.  It seems to work best for me.

Half the work week is over and it's wishcasting wednesday.  I love the questions and my circle of wishcasters.

This week Jamie asks:

courtesy of We Heart It

I wish to dare to take a leap of courage and start looking for a new job.  One of the things I've learned in therapy is that growing up the way I did, I became convinced that the only right way for me to live was if I was unhappy or unsatisfied.  Something was wrong if I wasn't miserable and it was never a good idea to move out of my comfort zone.  She probably didn't mean to encourage it, but my mother always made me feel like I needed to hold onto the what-I-have-is-practical because dreams were for kids.  I know she meant it to help make me a better adult, more responsible, and that she honestly didn't know what to make of her daydreaming daughter.  I was always different from the mold she had imagined and neither of us knew how to interact with the other because of it.  That's a simplistic take on things when it's actually so much more involved, but in many ways, it is that simple.  We didn't relate to one another.

With all the talking and working out of my myriad issues, I'm starting to see this horrible pattern in my life.  I surround myself with people and put myself in scenarios where not only is thriving impossible, but I'm utterly miserable every single day.  It's mentally draining. I hide behind excuses like the market is too competitive and I should be grateful to even have a job and I'm not being a good enough friend if s(he) treats me this way, but it's all about me being afraid of change, scared of being judged and worried that maybe I do only deserve this mind-numbing hole I've dug myself into.

I let fear hold me back in so many ways and it's time to stop.  And I think the best place to start is with the one of the two areas that bothers me most - my current job.  I want a career

I wish to dare to find my path to a career and in the meantime, search for a new job, no matter how daunting or how much the gremlin voice in my head tries to dissuade me.  Life is too short to spend the majority of my week somewhere toxic.


Ginny said...

As Mare wishes for herself, I wish for her as well. I hope that you will not only find a new career but have fun while searching.

LissaL said...

As Mare wishes for herself, so I wish also

Pam said...

OH Mare!!!
I could have written this myself, so much I wish to dare to leave the job I have and DARE to reach for a career... the career that I let go of for an abusive relationship.
Like you, I have told myself that I am being responsible by keeping my job, making my money, doing the "right" thing for everyone... everyone but ME.

As Mare wishes for herself, so I wish for her as well...

Yvonne said...

It's not easy to allow oneself to be happy and make the best out of life.
As you wish for yourself, so I wish for you as well.

Maggie J said...

This is a truly a dare that is also full of courage. Pace yourself, I am also doing the same dare with my work/ you wish for yourseelf so too I wish for you.

Cazamataz said...

Bless you on your healing you wish for yourself i wish for you also