stepping into my own and trying to leave anxiety behind

Today has not been my best. I woke up with a bad headache, but took some meds, slept a little more, and used my neti-pot before heading to work. Around ten am, I started to feel queasy and nauseous, so around noon, I just asked the manager in charge if I could use some sick time. I felt like ick.

However, I still had therapy at noon and you can't cancel without paying a fee, so I went and promptly had a panic attack while there. I guess it's one of the better places to have such an attack, if such a thing exists. So, after my session, my therapist told me it was definitely a good idea to go home, rest and such. That's what I've been doing. Meditation helped a bit. So did a Xanax. Yes, one day I would like to be completely off medications, but not quite there yet.

Anyway, it's Wishcasting Wednesday! And that's always a chance to think positively and put that out into the universe for others. I enjoy it and I feel like it might be helpful to me today.

What do you wish to step into?

 courtesy of http://gypsyholic.tumbrl.com/

Over the past year or so I've been slowly discovering my own voice, coming into my own, and realizing things I need/want to do to make my life happier.  Now it's time to accept that knowledge, gather up the confidence in myself to go, and step out into the world I want to create.  I constantly battle with my own right to be happy on my own terms versus the way I was raised.  I'm not regimental and the idea of "growing up" the way my mother wanted isn't who I am.  I'm creative and it's okay to embrace that and find a way to make my life about those things.  Just believe, Mare.  It will be okay and you can do it.

random thought of the day...

That old saying of life is what happens when you make plans. I think it's the story of my life sometimes. Since my mother's death (two years in January), I've been battling with a lot of issues that have been suppressed most of my life and realizing that I didn't want to end up like her. My mother was extremely unhappy at the end of her life and never took care of herself. I felt like it was my job to do it for her, to protect her, and after she died, I felt such a mixture of guilt and relief.

At the end of August, I turned 35 and I decided that this was my year. I'm sick of settling. I followed my mother's foot steps in the worst way and since her death, I've been slowly trying to change that. But I don't push myself. I think up excuses, allow the negative demon voices in my head to rule the day, convincing me I don't deserve happiness.

And it's not true.

And sometimes I just need to write that down or type it out because I wouldn't wish a what if/regret life on anyone, especially myself.

huge book giveaway

Because I ingest books at a rapid rate, I felt the need to share this!




You have until October 13th to enter! Eight different genres of books to choose from in each package! So head on over, fellow bibliophiles!

happy glee day

Happy Glee Day, my friends!

So I uh, may have bombarded my tumblr account with several quotes...so I can't ignore spreading the love here. It's starts in five minutes!

weekly intention: moment to moment

http://www.abccreativity.com/2010/09/20/intention-trust/

My intention last week was not to let fear control me.  I succeeded at times and other moments I failed spectacularly.  I can't deny I've been sitting on a lot of anxiety regarding finances.  Logically, I know things will work out and that I'm fortunate to have a job and a house to fret about when so many are in much worse situations.  But emotionally, selfishly, over the weekend, I was going to the "ohmygodwhatamIgoingtodolifeishorrible" place.

So, this week's intention is to grow upon my intention not to let fear stop me by focusing more on each moment as it happens.  To be present.  To be able to take that second to recognize my emotions in hopes of understanding and embracing my fears.

 

Book Review: I Know I Am, But What Are You? by Samantha Bee

I've been so busy reading that I haven't been keeping up with my reviews for challenges and such.  At least I usually manage to stay up on things at goodreads, but sometimes my brain is a scary place.  Anyway, i finished up the Non-Fiction Five Challenge with this lovely book.

Title:  I know I Am, But What Are You? by Samantha Bee

Summary:  Samantha Bee's hilarious essays on everything from her parents' views on religion and sex to her pre-Daily Show stint as a Japanese anime character.

My Review:  I loved this book.  Since I'm a huge fan of the Daily Show, I had her voice in my head as I read it, but I don't think that's a requirement for enjoying this series of essays that form a very interesting memoir of sorts.  I think it's very easy to understand how Samantha Bee came to be the very funny person she is today if the stories in this book are true.   It's interesting, unique, and a very quick read. 

My one warning:  This is laugh-out-loud funny.  My favorite part was when she was talking about Sailor Moon.  It was late at night and I'm not sure it was appreciated that I couldn't stop giggling like a maniac. 

Overall:  5 stars

Aloha Friday # 152

It's Aloha Friday.  In Hawaii, Aloha Friday is the day that we take it easy and look forward to the weekend. So I thought that on Fridays I would take it easy on posting, too.

Fall is quickly approaching.  It's my favorite time of year.  Halloween, the smell of leaves falling from the trees and times of playing in them while my dad kept having to rake them again, apple picking...so many wonderul things.

What is your favorite thing about Fall?

Wishcasting wednesday - it's like the Diana Ross song...

Happy Wishcasting Wednesday, everyone!  If you're not sure what that is, head over to Jamie Ridler studios and join in.  I find it to be a great weekly moment of clarity and enjoy reading others wishes and putting that energy out into the universe.

This week's wishcast question: 

How do you wish to come out of your shell?

photo courtesy of Justice McLellan on we heart it

I read the question and I admit the first thing that popped into my head were the lyrics to that Diana Ross song from the seventies.  "I'm coming out...I want the world to know...Got to let it show."  And it's almost fitting as it's something I've never allowed myself to feel or be.  It's funny that I read this question after returning from my therapy session on lunch, where we discussed the inertia that comes about in my life from worrying so much about how things may or may not be viewed by people outside my control.  I use up so much energy being afraid and nervous at how I will make other people feel or how they might react that I block myself from being true to who I am and my creativity. 

My wish:  to simply allow myself to open up to the universe and life without feeling guilty or worrying so much about everyone else.

Review: The Big Short

I realized I had finished up my Non-Fiction Five challenge reading, but never posted the final two reviews.  Yeah, I'm on the ball.  Oh well, I can only start anew, right?  Here is book 4 of 5 for the challenge.

Title: The Big Short by Michael Lewis

Summary:  A brilliant account—character-rich and darkly humorous—of how the U.S. economy was driven over the cliff.
Truth really is stranger than fiction. Who better than the author of the signature bestseller Liar’s Poker to explain how the event we were told was impossible—the free fall of the American economy—finally occurred; how the things that we wanted, like ridiculously easy money and greatly expanded home ownership, were vehicles for that crash; and how shareholder demand for profit forced investment executives to eat the forbidden fruit of toxic derivatives.

My Review:  This book is one of those books that I went into knowing would make me angry, but I had heard Michael Lewis on NPR talking about the release of the book and added it to my to-read list. I have to say I walked away even angrier than I expected as I gained a basic understanding of what seemed to perplex most of the investors on Wall Street. I enjoyed the narrative tales of a handful of those who noticed what was going on with the economic system early on through until the end. Most if it was easy to follow, even by me, a girl who feared economics, as much as anyone could make sense of it - which is one of the points of the book; that none of it was logical.

I think this is one of those books that everyone should read. Because while people hate what has happened to the economy and don't think too highly of the financial industry, I don't think most of us are nearly as mad as we should be. As it seems, unfortunately at the end of this book, that nothing has been learned.

Good, but depressingly-true read.

4/5 stars

I will not let fear control me...

http://www.abccreativity.com/2010/09/13/intention-sparkl/#more-3832

The passing of September 11th brought back a swarm of memories, worry about several friends, the loss of one of them, and it was yet another one of those reminders how much chaos there is in life.  There is only so much you can do to safe guard yourself from it without giving up actually living.  Who wants that?   The only thing each of us can do is live our best possible lives, be happy and try to pass that onto others.  My friend was all about that sort of thing.

Sometimes I let fear get in my way.  Fear of not being good enough.  Fear of failure.  Fear of success.  This fear keeps me static.

My intention this week:  Not to let fear hinder me.  Embrace it, work through it, and use it...just don't let it stop me.

Monday - what are you reading

http://bookjourney.wordpress.com/

Last week was a good reading week for me.  I was coming off of my "staycation" and I really wanted to get through my library book reads so I could jump into Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins. 

Finished Last Week (reviews to come): 

• Oh My Gods by Tera Lynn Childs
• I Know I Am, But What Are You by Samantha Bee
• Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins

Currently Reading:

• War By Sebastian Junger
• Web of Lies by Jennifer Estep

Upcoming Reads:

• Daywalker by Jocelynn Drake
• Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larrson

Loved Mockingjay.  Was pleasantly surprised by Oh My Gods.  Laughed a whole lot reading Samantha Bee's memoir. 

Fall Blogfest is here!

Blogfest 2010 is underway.  It's running today through September 12th and it's full of tons of giveaways!  Not only that, but it's a great way to discover new blogs to add to your blog roll.  And to make it easy for everyone to keep track of the sites they've visited and such, there is a tracking site.

I've already discovered some great new book blogs (because I can never add too many books to my to-read pile) and can't wait to spend the rest of the evening perusing the blogs and giveaways. 

What's that about writing?  Oh, yeah, um...I'll get back to you on that!

Wishcasting Wednesday - learn to fly

I survived our big event for the year at work, which went off rather well, so I can breathe a bit easier.  Even better, after the breakfast began my vacation through until next Tuesday.  I'm not traveling as I just don't have the funds and I'm looking forward to a "staycation" and just reading/writing/creating.  Maybe I'll head to the shore, but I'm not sure yet as it will be packed this weekend.

It's nearing the end of the day, spent my afternoon with my sister (who is also on "staycation" and running errands) and am now in a better mood to face Wishcasting Wednesday.  

This week's Wishcast:  What do you wish to begin?

I wish to spread my wings and fly.  To not be hampered by negativity or those lingering thoughts that I should be getting more done around the house.  What's the point in a life full of errands and too many rules?  I'm not saying I want to end up on an episode of Hoarders or requiring intervention to remember to do laundry or purchase groceries, but those things aren't going to be what I remember as I get older.  It's going to be opening myself up, risking failure, and sometimes soaring into the sky with my imagination and my pen.