courtesy of http://weheartit.com/entry/4225256
I've managed to get back into a routine of journaling and blogging, but I've had such issues with writing consistently since my mother died. It's a strange thing. She never appreciated or thought much of my writing. She would tell me to grow up and act like an adult, stop living in fantasy worlds. It often led to fights and, while it bothered me that she just couldn't understand (or at least accept) that I loved writing and creating worlds and stringing sentences together that made other people react, I always wrote. Maybe it was one of my ways of defying her, and now there is no reason for that, but sometimes it just feels so hard to undertake the actual act of writing. I'll say I'm going to do it. I'll talk about how I miss it, but then I just can't do it.
I thought this feeling would pass with time. This January it will have been two years since she died and my writing is barely there. It's like I'm punishing myself for something that wasn't my fault. And it's not something my mother was ever right about either. I'm worried I'll be bombarded with those pesky feelings and emotions and grief that are still simmering and the one place I've always dealt with things was my writing.
The thing is, it would probably help me deal with things. It's always the way I have in the past. And writing is a joyful experience. Sure, there are moments when I really wish a scene would come out the way I envision it in my head or a character would stop hijacking the story, but I love it. I think a lot of it is that I'm afraid of what might come out.
I signed up for Mini-Nanowrimo, a take on the Nanowrimo challenge, but instead of having to write one novel of 50,000 words, I set a certain number of words to write each day on any project I choose. I thought it might be a good way to get me back into the practice of writing each day and to push myself to break through this self-imposed block.
My wish? I wish to enjoy the process of writing again, to take each day in November and the writing time I set aside, and be okay with whatever comes out.