Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Let enjoyment take over...

It's wishcasting wednesday!  In Jamie's own words, "Wishcasting Wednesday is a safe haven for wishes, a fertile field in which to plant wish seeds and have them witnessed and tended lovingly. It’s a place where magic begins."

I've managed to get back into a routine of journaling and blogging, but I've had such issues with writing consistently since my mother died.  It's a strange thing.  She never appreciated or thought much of my writing.  She would tell me to grow up and act like an adult, stop living in fantasy worlds.  It often led to fights and, while it bothered me that she just couldn't understand (or at least accept) that I loved writing and creating worlds and stringing sentences together that made other people react, I always wrote.  Maybe it was one of my ways of defying her, and now there is no reason for that, but sometimes it just feels so hard to undertake the actual act of writing.  I'll say I'm going to do it.  I'll talk about how I miss it, but then I just can't do it. 

I thought this feeling would pass with time.  This January it will have been two years since she died and my writing is barely there.  It's like I'm punishing myself for something that wasn't my fault.  And it's not something my mother was ever right about either.  I'm worried I'll be bombarded with those pesky feelings and emotions and grief that are still simmering and the one place I've always dealt with things was my writing.  

The thing is, it would probably help me deal with things.  It's always the way I have in the past.  And writing is a joyful experience.  Sure, there are moments when I really wish a scene would come out the way I envision it in my head or a character would stop hijacking the story, but I love it.  I think a lot of it is that I'm afraid of what might come out. 

I signed up for Mini-Nanowrimo, a take on the Nanowrimo challenge, but instead of having to write one novel of 50,000 words, I set a certain number of words to write each day on any project I choose.  I thought it might be a good way to get me back into the practice of writing each day and to push myself to break through this self-imposed block.  

My wish?  I wish to enjoy the process of writing again, to take each day in November and the writing time I set aside, and be okay with whatever comes out.


Kim Switzer said...

It's so hard when that connection with our writing slips. I hope the mini-NaNoWriMo helps you reconnect and sink into your words.

As Mare wishes for herself, so I wish for her as well.

mami pea said...

I read a great article by the author of Eat,Pray,Love in this month Oprah. She talks about struggling with writing too.

I wish for you to find happiness and delight in each word you write, each brilliant sentence you create! As mare ishes for herself, I wish for you also!

Anonymous said...

oh...this post breaks my heart! :( I'm so sorry your mom didn't nuture and care for your gifts - especially in their early incubation stage!

I've been writing since I was 10 or so. I had parently support. And STILL I go through times when the words simply - disappear. Rather than fight against it, now, I just sort of sit with it until it passes. And it does :) Keep the faith! FAITH in yourself...and your gift of writing!


Anonymous said...

oops.. And, as you wish for yourself, I wish for you as well! ;-)

Anonymous said...

Events in our lives sometimes take over and we have trouble finding the joy in things we used to enjoy very much. I hope you are able to reconnect with yourself and your writing.

As Mare wishes for herself, so I wish for her also.

Anonymous said...

You might want to read Sark's newest book she talks about the loss of her mother.

As you wish for yourself, I wish for you also

Yolanda Alejandre said...

As Mare wishes for herself, I wish for her also.

LissaL said...

I am so sorry that you didn't get encouragement from your mom. That must have been so painful. You said " I think a lot of it is that I'm afraid of what might come out." and I believe that is so true. My sister died in 2006 & my dad in 2008. I was very close to both of them. The grief has been so overwhelming that I have to shut it down. I have so much in my head, but when you open up "lissa's lockbox" you let out the joy & the sorrow. I wish you much success in your journey of writing, grief & of course Life.
As Mare wishes for herself, I do so wish for her also.

Cindy Jones said...

As you know, it's the writing that can be cathartic-working through the feelings which tend to handicap our creativity. As you wish for yourelf, I wish for you also.