the sun is out and the snow is melting...

Sometimes life just moves so fast and I feel like I'm constantly playing catch up, and then there is this rare moment where everything synchs up and I feel like I'm right where I'm supposed to be on this journey.  Life, it is tricky to master, and while I don't fear death, I do fear being a could've been.

Something to discuss at therapy today, I suppose.

For pondering here, it's wishcasting wednesday.  I love the circle of fellow wishers and dreamers and the ability to learn new things about myself that were simmering just under the surface, waiting for some attention.

This week, Jamie asks:

What aspect of your personality do you wish to express more of?

courtesy of We Heart It

I know I'm strong.  I'm a survivor.  I've endured a lot and I'm still standing, albiet sometimes on wobbly legs, and I don't think I ever really embrace that strength.  I don't see it as a part of my personality, as a part of who I am, and I completely forget about it when the evil gremlins running amuck in my brain are whispering things in my ear.  "You'll never be happy, just stay where you are."  "You'll never get published, so what's the point?"  "You'll never lose this weight because you're weak."

Part of the reason these gremlin voices get to have their way is that I'm so afraid of the unknown, so scared of what happiness entails.  While most of me wants happiness and to enjoy my life journey, there is that small part of me that thinks it's better not to fight for something that could go horribly awry.  At least I know where I stand with abject misery and disappointment.

The thing is?  I am strong.  I need to remind myself of that more.  I am strong.  I lost my dad to cancer when I was eleven.  Most of my family disappeared from my life.  I grew up with a volatile, controlling mother, who loved me, but didn't know how to be a parent.  I lost my mother suddenly because she never took care of herself no matter how much I tried to get her to do it. 

I survived it all.  It helped me become the caring, compassionate person I am.  It taught me how to tap into my strength and showed me new roads to help better myself. 

I wish I could embrace this strength and use it to fight my gremlins.  I wish to remind myself that I am strong, that I'm a fighter, and that if there is no fear, I'm doing something wrong.  Fear is good, being paralyzed by it is not.  And if I fail, I've proven that I'm strong enough to survive.

I just need to make myself believe that.