Wednesday, June 8, 2011

It's time to truly begin...

Today was a hard but productive therapy session.  I made an interesting realization during the session.  It was one of those moments when I'm trying to explain something to my therapist and the wording I use surprised even me.  It makes me feel like all of this digging into feelings and such has been worthwhile and I'm feeling hopeful.

It's also Wishcasting Wednesday, which is always so on-point with the universe and a wonderful way to share dreams and wishes with a group of great people.

Today Jamie asks:



courtesy of we heart it

I am so afraid of leaving people behind and transforming my life for the better out of fear that I stand there paralyzed.  It's how I've lived most of my life thus far.  I doubt every choice I make.  I convince myself I don't deserve happiness or to put myself first - it's selfish and I'm bad, bad, bad.  I get it stuck in my head that I have no willpower, I'm lazy, and every other horrible thing I can think of to only further keep myself from trying things.  And then I hate myself for not moving forward.  it's an ugly, vicious circle.

About a week ago, my sister said something to me about how, yes, my mother was horrible and a bad parent in many ways, but she's gone now.  Do I let her keep infecting my life in negative ways or do I do something about it?  And she's right.  I'm still giving my mother all the power.  I'm still putting myself last, behind someone who is no longer living for god's sake, and it leaves me sad and missing out on my own journey.

Today I wish to begin my own journey without being hampered by my mother's voice in my ear and without allowing my own gremlin to control every choice I make.  I've made great strides.  I'm smart and capable and I do have willpower.  There is a lot of good things about me and I need to focus on those and enjoy small victories as I work toward the life I want.  I wish to begin moving along the road of transformation - weight, work, and creativity.   I wish to begin to notice my achievements, however small they seem because I sure do notice the equally small failures. 

Mostly, I wish to begin.  To simply do and stop waiting for some unidentifiable thing.

14 comments:

beejee23 said...

That person that was hurt and alone? That was little Jamie, but you are not that person anymore. You are simply Jamie, a wonderful, capable, caring, intelligent, loving person moving forward to create the wonderful life you deserve. You wish to begin? You already have :) As you wish for yourself, I wish for you also.

artistaprilcole@gmail.com said...

Hold tight to your beautiful self...
As you wish for yourself, I wish for you as well.
*hugs*

Ginny said...

You write such beautiful strong words that can help so many people. As you wish for yourself, I wish for you as well.

KathrynAntyr said...

I love your honesty here. In the last few years I have come so far and a big part of it was when I realized how much I swallowed and believed the words of others, namely my parents and an angry spouse. My parents were saying things from a place of fear and wanting the best from me. My spouse was speaking also from a place of fear, his own. Last November I finally hit a wall where I knew I wanted to change. I found that the wall came crumbling down when I was ready to let go and surrender. Sounds scary, but I'll tell you it is freeing. I actually feel sober and I'm not an alcoholic.

You are showing a lot of bravery in this post. I'll leave you with one watchword, "love." Put love in all that you do and you will heal and be powered to find your voice and follow your dreams.

As you wish for yourself, so I wish for you always.

{soul hugs}
Kathryn, Collage Diva

Camilla said...

I too need to turn off my mother's voice in my ear, and believe in myself.

(HUGS)

As you wish for yourself, so I wish for you also.

Mouse said...

(((((Mare)))))

It's a hard road that you are walking down, and it takes bravery, courage, guts and heart to do ..... so please recognise that you are demonstrating these fantastic qualities!! It is extremely hard to unlearn what our parents taught us, and even more so when those lessons have been ingrained to such a degree that we have taken on the very same role against our selves!

You are a survivor ... and to survive means you had to adapt and copy what what shown to you ... hence the self-judgement ....

As you wish for yourself Mare, so I wish for you too .... as well as much love, peace and help as you walk down the path of shadows!

DonnaOnTheBeach said...

Firstly, what a stunning picture - love it. Secondly, your wish made my heart expand. May you begin being the magnificent you. As you wish for yourself, I wholeheartedly wish for you also. xx

My Courageous Life said...

Your wish was my wish. I totally agree! As Mare wishes for herself, so I wish for her also.

Cindy Jones said...

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
As you wish for yourself, I wish for you also!

Lucy Ladham-Dyment said...

Sounds to me like you are on the right track. Great wish... to simply begin. As you wish for yourself, so I wish for you also.

Paula - Buenos Aires said...

I´ve been watching you taking little steps, all in the same direction these past months. You are surprising yourself now, then you will smile and move confidently in that same loving direction.
As Mare wishes for herself, so I wish for her also.

thewildpomegranate said...

Ah, the voice of the Inner Critic. It's funny how many of us have experienced that voice as our mothers. However, once we are 'awake' to that, we have the power to change it. Sounds like you are ready and that the Universe (via your sister) is conspiring on your behalf to get the message through!

Live your life authentically! YOU DESERVE IT and so does the rest of the world. It misses you xox

As you wish for yourself I wish for you as well!

Sandy VanNocker said...

Thanks for sharing your heartfelt wishes! A quote I love - I may not be perfect, but parts of me are awesome - focus on your awesomeness!!! xx

As you wish for yourself, so I wish for you!

TrishaTrixie said...

As you wish for yourself, I also wish for you. My all your wonderful wishes, on this great day come true!

If you would like to check out either of my blogs here they are

http://www.adgb.blogspot.com/
http://art-a-day-keeps-the-crazies-away.blogspot.com/