Wednesday, June 1, 2011

my cat's perfect day

I had so much fun last week that I signed up for the Indie Ink Writing Challenges again. This week I challenged My Plaid Pants and my challenge - Describe your perfect day in your better life - came from BinaryFootPrint.

I had planned to make this one nonfiction, but I came home this evening, feeling crappy, to find my cat, Dexter, conked out on my bed and I was slightly jealous of his life.  I wondered what his "better life" would be and this is what came out. I'm sure that I'm offending cats everywhere with this piece.

dexter is not impressed

Better life?  Maybe that's something other cats need, like the ones in shelters or featured in those weird commercials that always make my human cry and needlessly cuddle me (hello, I'm not in need of love.  I'm in need of new toys and food of my liking), but my life is pretty good.  I've got a roof over my head when water pours down from the sky, food and toys (there are never enough toys), and a water fountain to slurp my water out of all day.  This is especially fun when I'm feeling vindictive and want to make my litter as messy as possible.  To others like me out there - not only does water keep you hydrated and able to live up to your best kitty potential, but it can really gross out the ladies.  I've often heard, "You sicken me, Dexter.  You're a monster."
I'll humor you for a minute with the idea of this better life and my perfect day.  Purr-fect.  Hee.  Get it?  I'm hysterical.  And some people think cats don't have a sense of humor!  Okay, fair enough.  Some of us don't.  I've met a few felines in my day that are pretty hostile.  You guys call it "feral" but it's just mean.  There is no need to hiss at me from outside while I sit on a nice fluffy  bed and preen on my porch.  It's not my fault that I was such a catch.
Where was I?   Thoughts tend to come and go really fast in my head.  Not like dog fast, where I'm distracted by the simplest things, but still - sometimes a bird has been known to fascinate me for hours.  I'm not proud of it, but there you go.
I guess that would be the first thing in my better world and perfect day to be addressed.  I would eliminate birds and their powers.  Birds would still exist - they're tasty - but they would no longer have their  freaky mind control powers over me.   I would stop wasting precious hours of my life staring out a window and meowing ferociously for them to stop building their silly nests outside my house.  Do they listen?  No, they're rude and my owners won't let me go teach them a lesson.
Speaking of humans think I need to see this "pet doctor" who pokes me with sharp needles and cold thermometers and then wonders why I am angry.  This will stop immediately for I have lion and tiger blood (for real, not like Charlie Sheen) in my ancestry.  There are no doctors in the African wild; therefore, no more doctors or vets or sterile rooms for me.
These are things that I expect in this better life that I'm being promised.  They should be obvious, but I never know with humans.  They think they're helpful when really they baffle me.

Aside from these obvious things, below is how my purr-fect day (it does NOT get old) will play out:

6am: wake up, sing my lovely songs and am met with great praise instead of mean words from my humans and doors slamming in my face.  The vibrato of my voice will drive my owners to get up and feed me right away.  And no more of this organic dry food, but a real meal.  I'm thinking turkey.  Lots of turkey.

6:30am: Having stuffed myself on turkey, I go to my private litter box (no more sharing for me) and do some light exercise by playing with some of my favorite balls.

7am:  Gather my toy mice up for meeting on how things are in Dexter land.  I'm a firm, but kind ruler.

7:30am:  Curl up in the sun room and sleep.  No longer distracted by birds, it's a restful slumber.

Throughout most of day:  sleep, eat, play...sometimes torment my fellow cats just to remind them that I'm the best.

5:20pm:  Greet my human at the front door.  Not because I miss her so much as like to remind her that I exist and need food.   No longer will I have to endure silly cuddles at her whim just to endear myself to her in hopes of a special treat of wet food.  No, I automatically get my wet food.  I'm a huge fan of the Turkey & Cheese variety.  I love preservatives and protein!

5:30pm:  After eating quickly, I practice my ninja kitty moves by getting into things I'm not supposed to and amazing humans with my great jumping and balancing skills.  And they don't yell at me because it's my perfect day.

6pm:  I do a parameter check of my home.  Just because I'm a kind ruler doesn't mean I like other creatures on my property.  And i will find out where that dog barking is coming from and that dog will rue the day!

6:15pm:  I make the stupid Labrador across the street rue the day and remove its vocal chords.  It's not abuse because I'm a cat and the drooling idiot deserved it.

6:20pm:  It's time to nap.  This way I can be wide awake when humans want to sleep and ruin their night if I'm feeling so inclined.  Sometimes, I like them and will let them get their rest, but it's my day, and hey, I'm gonna enjoy it.

9pm:  Meow, meow, meow...I'm totally auditioning for American Idol next season.  Too bad I hate going in the car and most humans and I'm not exactly "heartthrob" material, but that Taylor Hicks guy won before, so I think I've got a chance.  Worse comes to worse, I show off my white belly.  It always gets me oohs and ahhs around the house.

11pm:  Oh hell, it's been a day.  I'm tired.  And my human is pretty good at rubbing my head just right.  I think I'm gonna turn in.

Sure, to some people it doesn't seem like this amazing day, but it's really all I need.  That's why my autobiography, Ruling in a Time of Turkey and Toys, is only two pages.  It's not long, but it's two important pages that prove cats are the most amazing species to ever exist.  And I guess in my perfect day, the rest of the world and its inhabitants (every creature!)  finally realize my...our perfection - like those Egyptians did back in the day.  We were revered properly.


Anonymous said...

Snicker. That was fun!

Sunny Dreamer said...

LOVED this! Dexter sort of looks like Egypt, my cat. Do not be afraid to post!

Fran said...

Message from Cully Killmouseki: Thank you for sharing your good day--I stretch myself carefully on top of my sleeping owner and will let her sleep for another ten minutes while I think about you; Cully

Anonymous said...

I think I have a kitty crush on Dexter. A cat's life sounds like a pretty nice life to have...

Caroline Gerardo said...

I love Dexter's sarcastic superior voice. There are many witty jokes in his thoughts.

Anonymous said...

Dogs drool, cats rule. There is purfect order in the the universe. :)

alyssa said...

hah! great job! i'm not really a cat person, but (geek alert) i love when my feline-owner friends slip into their cats' voices or take on the psyche of the cats. too funny! :) xx

Anonymous said...

The Ruling Cats of this nest applaud with many purrs and tail waves. They also told me to tell Dexter to hold out of wet food every day and the lovely meat the humans eat as a matter of comnom courtesy for their benin ruiership over their humans and birdies!

Lcks and head-buttings,
Pyewackett, Missy Skye and their human female GwenGui