courtesy of http://miss-confusedx.blogspot.com/
I'm continuing to feel physically and emotionally drained. It's not helped by returning from a rough therapy session (which I do realize, in the long run, is a good thing) during my lunch break and wishing I could curl up in a ball until this feeling passes. I'm trying not to put such negativity out there, but some days it feels like a grueling process...some days it feels so much easier to embrace the same-old-horrible-pessamistic ways than to embrace the harder-live-in-the-moment what if.
I'm my greatest obstacle. There are plenty of reasons behind the madness, reasons I won't bore you with, and reasons I don't particularly understand yet. I worry too much about how I am perceived. I hold onto the smallest, most awful thoughts I have about myself and allow them to manifest until I become convinced that I'm a huge failure and not deserving of anything. Logically, I know this isn't true, but it's funny how little logic can work when it comes to emotions, especially about yourself.
In therapy today we talked about this fall-back I have and how it's possibly a large reason why I've been feeling so stuck the past year. I want to be able to move past this huge block, the voice in my head that says allowing myself to feel or to embrace sadness are bad things. I want to be able to take time for myself without worrying about all the ways I'm being selfish and letting people down. I want to free myself of these preconceptions I place on myself and other people, and take the time to experience what I'm feeling. Because maybe once I can do that - including the years of it that I've avoided because that's not how I was raised - I can be free to live, to sometimes-succeed-sometimes-fail, and to be in the now, striving toward happiness.
It's fluid really. I think. And it requires hard work and facing up to my fears.
My wish: that I can allow myself to go to the harder places and push through in hopes of achieving some clarity and peace in the future.