Wednesday, October 27, 2010

pushing through gravity...

Today is Wishcasting Wednesday.  I love Jamie for providing this outlet and always being so in tune with the universe to ask the perfect question for feelings running through me at any time.  




I'm continuing to feel physically and emotionally drained.  It's not helped by returning from a rough therapy session (which I do realize, in the long run, is a good thing) during my lunch break and wishing I could curl up in a ball until this feeling passes.  I'm trying not to put such negativity out there, but some days it feels like a grueling process...some days it feels so much easier to embrace the same-old-horrible-pessamistic ways than to embrace the harder-live-in-the-moment what if.

I'm my greatest obstacle.  There are plenty of reasons behind the madness, reasons I won't bore you with, and reasons I don't particularly understand yet.  I worry too much about how I am perceived.  I hold onto the smallest, most awful thoughts I have about myself and allow them to manifest until I become convinced that I'm a huge failure and not deserving of anything.  Logically, I know this isn't true, but it's funny how little logic can work when it comes to emotions, especially about yourself.

In therapy today we talked about this fall-back I have and how it's possibly a large reason why I've been feeling so stuck the past year.   I want to be able to move past this huge block, the voice in my head that says allowing myself to feel or to embrace sadness are bad things.  I want to be able to take time for myself without worrying about all the ways I'm being selfish and letting people down.  I want to free myself of these preconceptions I place on myself and other people, and take the time to experience what I'm feeling.  Because maybe once I can do that - including the years of it that I've avoided because that's not how I was raised - I can be free to live, to sometimes-succeed-sometimes-fail, and to be in the now, striving toward happiness. 

It's fluid really.  I think.  And it requires hard work and facing up to my fears.

My wish:  that I can allow myself to go to the harder places and push through in hopes of achieving some clarity and peace in the future.

8 comments:

Pam said...

As you wish for yourself, so I wish for you as well...

((HUGS))

thewildpomegranate said...

mmmmmm living a meaninful, 'awake' life isn't for sissiegirls, is it?

I don't think I've ever visited here before, so I don't know you at all. However, I'd like to tell you that in the middle of all of your thoughts - no matter their energy - here is something that I hope you will known - ALL IS WELL...because in the end, the 'real' you truly is magnificent. And one day - in some way - you will know this.

As you wish for yourself, I wish for you as well.

- Grace

Ellison said...

It's so wonderful that you're willing to put the effort in to therapy for what you feel is holding you back. You're so strong to keep going!

As you wish for yourself, so I wish for you also.

Cindy Jones said...

As Mare wishes for herself, I wish for her also

GlendaM said...

As Mare wishes this for herself, so do I wish it for her as well.

collectingyourself said...

Let me be a cheerleader for you today. Go Mare, Go Girl, Go Wild Wise Woman! The gift you are giving to yourself will be the biggest you ever receive in your life. The caterpillar must push and pull and rip itself out of the cocoon in order for it to be strong enough to fly. I can see your wings. As Mare wishes for herself, I wholeheartedly wish for her also.

Sarah Lulu said...

As Mare wishes for herself I so lovingly wish this for her also. xx

lynna-g said...

I am sending you all the strength and positive feelings I can for this difficult and important journey. Ypu are deserving of the time you need to do this necessary work. Love to you and as you wish for yourself so I wish for you also
Lynna G