Wednesday, April 13, 2011

I wish there was a pizza patch

I wish there was a pizza patch, sorta like a nicotine one, that gave you the pleasure of a great tasting pizza without any of the calories or fat.  If someone could invent that, they would make bank. 

I'm on day three of my journey to health.  Day one was fairly easy.  Day ones are always fairly easy - I'm full of energy and hope and the I-can-do-it mantra - once I commit to it.  Beginning day one is hard. I'm always tempted to say, "well, I should enjoy this one last time and start tomorrow" as though I'm promised an infinite number of tommorrows.  As though today doesn't matter.  But once I've started and committed to do it (and as I said in the last post, it really does have to just be a spontaneous thing for me as it keeps me from going down the line of beginning sabotage), day one is usually a high point for me.  I feel good about what I'm doing for myself. 

Day two is much harder, especially when you're so accustomed to using food as a part of your support system.  Yesterday, I got hit with some further money issues, which pumped my anxiety into high gear and as soon as I got home from work, after a majority of the day of eating so well, I grabbed my bag of Tortilla chips and headed to my room.  Somehow, I managed a moment of clarity of sorts before I did something that would just end up making me feel worse in the end.  I poured out one serving and put the bag away.  I gave myself the satisfaction I seemed to need (which is something that I need to work on and I am), but didn't tailspin out of control and instead just thought about why I was eating.  Was I hungry? A little, but I was pre-heating the oven for dinner.  Was this because I was upset?  Yeah.  A lot.   Would eating this bag of chips really make me feel better?  No...well, maybe for the time it takes to eat it, but then I'll feel sick, ashamed and angry with myself. 

It was a huge moment for me and I'm happy to report that I came in under my calorie limit for the day, even with the serving of Tortilla chips.  There is nothing wrong with eating a serving Tortilla chips from Whole Foods, but there is an issue with eating it because I'm feeling bad.  I need to be conscious of my food choices and start asking myself before I eat anything, "Am I doing this because I'm hungry?" At least until I can get into a better habit of understanding my self-destructive tendencies. 

It also made me aware that I need to find new, healthier things to reach for when I'm having these moments of anxiety and fear and anger. 
I am proud that I've made it through two days and am on my way through day three with the calories.   My goal for today is to add in some cardio and not let excuses or random things keep me from 30 minutes for myself.

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