Today she asks:
I wish to tend to my health, losing weight and getting fit. I wish to tend to the emotions that arise, especially those that invoke a sense of failure and not good enough, as I continue on this journey. I'm an emotional eater. I eat out of sadness, stress, boredom, whatever...I might not be hungry, but still I eat. I try to hide it because I'm ashamed and can't figure out what's wrong with me - why do I constantly do this - but that only makes it worse. I've taken a good first step in tracking everything that goes into my mouth again. It's definitely helping me to notice patterns. Night is the worse time for me. If I don't have a dinner planned, it all goes to hell. I do better when I get my workout in early, as I feel more confident and more determined to not have a "wasted" session.
Take yesterday, for example. I did good throughout the day. I had a surplus of calories going into dinner. But I had not planned for dinner and we ended up eating McDonalds. I didn't go over my calories by much and I don't want to beat myself up over it, but I want to learn from this. No plan in place = me grabbing something quick and unhealthy. I wish to tend to this by taking some time on Sunday to plan out meals and put everything in place that I need.
I wish to tend to these fears that continue to sprout up in me, the little demon voice that tells me: you don't deserve this, you don't really want this, why not save yourself the inevitable let down?
I'm starting to realize that there doesn't have to be an inevitable let down and that's such a horrible place to live my life from. I need to remind myself that I'm a survivor of so many things and that whatever I did in the past to get by doesn't have to be the total sum of my life. I'm allowed to be happy and laugh and live a long time even though neither of my parents did. I'm allowed to find something I love in life. I'm allowed to feel comfortable in my own skin.
And for me, that all begins with tending to my health and weight. Such a simple thing for some, but for me, a huge step. I'm ready though, even if the demon voice in my head isn't.