Monday, April 11, 2011

it's a new dawn, it's a new day...

If one were to put an official starting over day on changing her diet and lack of exercise, I guess today would be that day for me.  Per my usual, I just woke up and decided today was the day.  It tends to work for me in the long run best (after all, it's how I managed to get started on breaking my soda habit - just waking up and doing it), but I'm more than a little freaked out.

My mind tends to run in the most negative manner.  It likes to point out how I've yet to last longterm and I always hit a wall of my own making and what's the point.  But I'm so sick of listening to that voice.  I want to do this.  I want to take this step and make these changes so that I can be one step closer on my life journey of happiness and living a good life.

I'm in the middle of the wonderful Blossom From the Heart E-Course by Sara Blackthorne and in the middle of writing on one of the prompts in my journal, I had this sad, but important epiphany.  Even before I was ever, by any health guidelines, considered "fat," I have lived my life with that as a defining factor.  I both hate being fat and fear letting go of it.  Because then I'm standing there, vulnerable to the world, no excuses in my way to keep me from living life, and when I fail (as we all do), I'll have to own it.  I couldn't hide behind the idea that I didn't get the job because I was fat or this friendship didn't work out because I was fat.  In this warped way, I've made being heavy into a protective shield of sorts.  Except it's not really.

I thought about creating a separate journaling place for just tracking my journey to get healthy and lose weight, but that really defeats why I created this blog in the first place.  This blog is about me, learning who I am in all the various forms - creativity, reading, getting healthy, whatever comes up as I go.  So if you read (and I love & appreciate the encouragement) my blog and this isn't up your alley, just skim right on by, but I feel like I need to do this.  I do better when I document my journey, when I explore the things behind my decisions so I can learn from them.  I set up a MyFitnessPal account for tracking calories, food, and exercise, but I also want a place to really delve into the emotional side for me.

I'm off to a good start for the day and using MyFitnessPal is showing me not only calories, but how many grams of carbs and protein I'm getting in and how much I should be.  Hardly surprising is that I get in more carbs than protein, but what is astounding is just how many grams of protein I'm lacking.  I must work on that.  Tonight, after my food shopping and walk, I think I'll be looking for some good protein-heavy recipes that aren't too hard to cook. 

Goals for this week:  track what I eat (good/bad), get moving, and not judge myself too harshly

1 comment:

Isabella Skylar said...

What a journey it is. I am doing the same thing. I started the same way as you. I just woke up one morning and decided I didn't like the way I was feeling and needed to do something about it. It's so hard but I do hope that you post your journey or what you feel comfortable posting here because it does help others not feel so alone. I don't have the courage to post mine yet in my online blog. I just keep track in my pen and paper journal.