mother nature is on a rampage, but it's still wishcasting wednesday

Snow is once again ruling and mother nature is a force to be reckoned with.  It's a hard week for me as the two year anniversary of my mother's death is this Friday.  In some ways, it feels so much longer and at other times, it feels like it just happened.  Some days I just wonder if I'll ever be free of the whole ordeal.  I doubt it, but I can aim to at least stop being so hurt and angry and get to a place that's a lot healthier.  Baby steps.

In spite of all these things, today has been a great day.  We had a winter luncheon at work, where I was reminded how much I do enjoy the company of many of my co-workers, and it's wischasting wednesday.

This week Jamie asks:

What do you wish to enjoy?

courtesy of http://mercurysummers.tumblr.com/page/3

It's funny because sometimes the quickest and simplest answers are the hardest to achieve.  As soon as I read the question, the answer "my life" popped right into my head and I started thinking about all the ways I thwart myself in this department. I've become  a person who focuses on the negative and has accepted the idea of unhappiness as a way of life for myself.  It's a weird thing with me because I'm actually pretty optimistic where it concerns others and such, but whenever it's about me, I take a brutal, sometimes mean view.  Enjoying life is for other people, better people, people not me.

I've slowly been learning to stop that cycle.  I grew up thinking that there were only certain things that should make me happy.  Except these things were never right fits for me and I didn't really have anyone who understood or who I could explain this to.  It's sad that it has taken me so long to realize that I'm allowed to be happy and make the most of my life the way that I want to, but it's also amazing to finally acknowledge.

And yet, some days, enjoyment feels so hard to come by, so wrong at times, like all these positive steps I've taken in my life since my mother died (as that was a huge catalyst in my life) is wrong somehow.  And the simplest answer becomes complicated.

Because I make it that way.

So my wish is to enjoy my life.  Not every moment will be great, but happiness is not some fairy tale-never-happens sort of thing.  I am in control of enjoying life and I wish that I can allow myself that right (which at this very moment is to curl up in front of a fire with a book and hot cocoa, hence the picture).