Saturday, December 11, 2010

Day 10 & 11: Reverb 10 (Wisdom & Things)

Yesterday was a lovely day and I didn't really spend any time online.  Part of that is because it's been freezing and it was nice to sit in front of the fireplace with a book or curl up under the blankets and watch a movie.  Part of it was just wanting to enjoy my day off without worrying about doing anything.  Just chill.

So yeah, maybe I should just own that I'm a every other day Reverb 10 girl, but I'm trying not to put any negativity/failure vibes out into the universe if I can avoid it.

December 10 – Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out? (Author: Susannah Conway)

The wisest decision I made was continue with therapy.  My original therapist ended up having to leave her practice due to a family emergency and a part of me thought that I was off the hook (because, being me, I never would've stopped therapy without an excuse out of my irrational fears of others judging me). I had a moment where I knew it was probably wrong to give up, but the idea of stopping was alluring.  I wouldn't have to keep drudging stuff up (stupid feelings) and could just fall back into oblivion under the guise that it wasn't meant to be.  But while I do believe in fate, that would have been a total cop out on my part.  I was scared to start over with someone new - what if we didn't mesh?  what if s/he judged me?  what if, what if, what if? - but I did it.  I don't love therapy.  It's hard and draining, but I love my therapist and I think I have an even better rapport with her than I did my original psychologist.  And I've made huge strides this year.  Help is not a bad thing, talking about hurt feelings (even if they are irrational) is not a bad thing, and I'm finally getting that.

December 11 – 11 Things. What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life? (Author: Sam Davidson)

1.  Drama
2.  Judgement
3.  Negativity
4.  Self-sabotage
5.  lack of faith
6.  anger
7.  suffering from what if syndrome
8.  bad nutrition
9.  procrastination
10.  too much worry
11.  not feeling good enough

Pretty much one through ten fit into the final answer - not feeling good enough.  I've found ways, throughout the years, to make myself feel horrible.  I keep people in my life who create unncessary drama, I don't seek out great opportunities because I'm not sure I deserve it, I hold onto anger and hurt and everything else, stuffing it down until I can't anymore.  All of this is because I just don't think I deserve better.

How will I eliminate it?  Being conscious in each moment.  Journaling, especially on the rough days.  Continuing with therapy and delving into all my issues and letting go.  I need to stop protecting my mother and father, who are both dead and gone, out of fear of how others will think of them, of me, and allow myself to feel anger and sadness and whatever else I need to experience.  It won't be easy, but it's all about me acknowledging feelings in the moment and noticing when I fall back into the never-good-enough mindset.

But I do and in 2011 I want it to be year about me, where I am able to see myself with a nicer pair of lenses and a time to cull out all the things that hold me back.  If I can eliminate these things, there will be nothing in my way.  Or I won't be in my way, at the very least, and there will be so much weight lifted off my shoulders. 

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