Sunday, December 19, 2010

Day 18 & 19: Reverb 10 (Try & Heal)

I got back-logged on Reverb 10 the past four days.  I had a story deadline that had me anxious and life kept getting in the way and I would remember I needed to do my posts when i was nowhere near my computer.

So I'm just going to partake in yesterday and today's Reverb 10 prompts.

December 18 – Try. What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn’t go for it? (Author: Kaileen Elise)

I want to try to put myself out there more with my writing.  I have this nasty habit of stopping midway through a piece because I look into the future in an evil sort of way where it ends horribly and only proves I'm failure.  So I stop.  The funny thing, one of the few areas in my life I'm truly confident is my ability to write, but I find so many ways to avoid to it.

I want to train for 5K because I've been so bored and lazy with my workouts.  I think having a goal to work toward outside of losing weight might help me.  Plus, I think it would be such a great achievement for me.  To go from the girl who once got winded walking up stairs to completing a 5K.

I think the big thing for me is that I just don't want to be so afraid to try things, to spend so much time analyzing and over-thinking every single thing that I miss out on fun and potential greatness.  2010 was a year where I've spent a lot of time evaluating and learning about myself and while I can't think of anything that I really wanted to try that I passed on...I think that's more because I was so oblivious to my own wants and needs.

December 19 – Healing. What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011? (Author: Leonie Allan)

For so many years, I had people telling me that I should probably talk to someone.  My doctor, who prescribed my medications for anxiety/depression, thought it would help me.  My friends, who knew about my mother's alcoholism often thought it would be good for me.  But I couldn't do it.  I was terrified of opening up about things.  I spent thirty years stuffing it all in and I still felt so very protective of my mother.  And a part of me was convinced the therapist would judge me because that's how I thought about everything.  Me being judged.  Pretty self-centered in a destructive way. 

When she died and I went to a really dark place, I finally forced myself to find a therapist.  It was the hardest and best thing I've done for myself.  This past year has been so emotionally draining and hard at times.  But I'm slowly stripping away at the defenses I built up and letting people know how I feel more.  I'm working through all the hurt I grew up with so I can put it behind me.  I've learned that it's okay to want to be happy and that I deserve it.  And I'm realizing my mother doesn't need me to protect anymore and that it was never really my job anyway.  She was supposed to protect me, not the other way around. 

In 2011, I hope to heal a bit more regarding the anger I carry around.  I have a ton of abandonment issues and grew up feeling like there was no one there for me.  No one to protect me, to mentor me, to have my back.  And there were people I expected to do that, I realize now, even though I never asked for help.  I want to forgive them and let it go.  I want to be free of these burdens of the past so that I can focus on my right now.

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